Sour Grapes

So, I am still a little ticked, but today was good - so that is something.

I had kids today. Lately they don't get along and I end up refereeing the entire time. But I figured since they are going to be here three days this week, I better make the best of it. So, I scheduled our time. We had an activity planned for every minute and I didn't falter. We played cars and built towers, read stories, did puzzles at the table, painted, did school (What's one more kid anyway), and danced. When their mom got here we all went to the playground. The kids got along great. Of course, I told them their only other option was to sit in the orange chair facing the wall if they didn't want to do the activity. We even used a timer. It worked well, and we are doing the same thing tomorrow. I was thinking of setting up an obstacle course for them while the baby slept. After all three more days of rain are coming.

So now, C is sleeping and I came upstairs to take care of some paperwork. I fixed the whole what to do with my 401K deal - which lost 300.00 since last time I wrote about it. ERR - that thing was a bitch to rollover - so I didn't. Who cares, taxes shmaxes. Then I got a letter from DC saying my taxes were wrong because they didn't have a copy of my W-2. Darn Jackson Hewitt. This is like the third time they got DC wrong. Oh well. Next was Jury Duty. I was suppose to have it in April, but I delayed it because of IVF. Then I attempted to deposit a check at home with USAA but for some reason my new scanner isn't picking up when I hit scan and then if it does things are blurry. I think I need to recalibrate it or something. Anyway I just ordered deposit slips instead. I get back to that someday.

Well off to make dinner. I have been dieting so dinners have been dull to say the least, maybe I will spice it up tonight, I was thinning Mexican Spaghetti or maybe a recipe my friend posted to facebook about sloppy joes and crescent rolls. Yum, they both sound good. TTFN.

Why Bother?

Focus or no focus, life isn't an easy. Joe wouldn't even look at the house with an open mind. He said it "surprised him". Only God knows how, since I have been looking at houses for months and sharing the news with him. Also two days before I looked at the house I emailed him asking what he thought. The owners wanted our application by today. Joe said we could talk about it sometime but he couldn't guarantee it would be before the application was due. Why bother? He is so unnervingly content with just waiting things out.

There is not much more I can say that wouldn't hurt his feelings. There is so much more I could say - but basically things are really bad and I hate it. USAF # 1, family a long distant 2.

You know, I don't ask for much. I really don't, but everything I do ask for has to be such a damn compromise.

The Name of the Street is Funny

Today is better, C was really good while we ran around town today, and I seem to have found some focus. Elborations might bore the average reader, but what else are blogs for?

So, Cooper needs a new bike. He out grew his over the winter and it is really in disrepair, so even if we hike up the handle bars and the seat, the tires will go flat and the training wheels are premently rusted on. So, me being either practicle or stubborn - you can decided, decides that we are going to look for a bike under 45.00. Yesterday we went to six different places. Three thrift stores, the BX on Andrews, Wal-mart, & Target. Only the BX has bikes his size (16") but they were 74.99! That is nuts! I promised C I would teach him how to ride with out training wheels and I am not having him learn on at seventy-five dollar hunk of metal - the seat will tear the first time he falls, the handle bar covers will get scapped - Just nuts. So yesterday was kind of a bust. Although we really weren't out all that long, and got some other stuff done too.

So this morning there was this huge consignment sale at a local church. Everyone talks about this place as "the best place to go" for used kid stuff. So this morning C and I treked out to Alexandria, VA. What a nightmare. There had to be 400 people in a church gym litterally plowing through clothes and toys. If they didn't want them they would just throw them. I checked out the section of size 5/6 but there was nothing. Litterally it was an empty table, which was wierd becuase there was sooooo much stuff. Anyway, we left, but not before we got a look at the line - it had to be 100 people deep. Some people were going threw their bags and if they didn't like something they were just thrwing it on the floor. It was crazy. And to C's dissapointment they only had one girl's bike.

After that we went home and relaxed for awhile. I told C if we didn't find a bike today he could pick one off the internet tonight and he was actaully okay with that. He had me spell bike for him on a piece of paper and went upstairs to Google it. But I did have one more trick up my sleeve, actaully 2 - one giant thrift store that is about 45 minutes west which I new had bikes, and Toy R Us. Eventually we ended up at the far away thrift store and got the kid a bike. A really good one, for 24.99. They had three different ones for him to choose from. One was only 9.99 but the tires were flat - so who knows if it needed new tubes, tires, or both. His is a mini mountain bike. It is really cute.

So, in other news: I had been searching for homes to rent for months. I show them to Joe and he says some look good but he never wants to really go see them. Well, I found on on Craig's List the other day that looked perfect. C and I went to check it out today. It is a house, but the old garage is made into an apartment - and it is rented. But really you can't tell from the house at all. Inside is three bedroom, living room, dining room, kitchen, and huge screened in porch leading to the massive backyard. The home is a bi-level so when you go in the door you need to choose either upstairs or down. Downstairs there are a few storage closets a small den, fireplace, and laundry area. There is a four car driveway, and if we rented it we would share half with their other tenant. There is plenty of street parking. Also you can see the school from the kitchen window and backyard. The rent is 350-500 less than every rental in that area and the landlords will add it the average utility bill if you don't want to pay monthly for everything - and they gave me two years worth or bills as proof of the cost. The house isn't huge, in fact it is way smaller than this one - but it has a yard, is five miles from Joe's work, and it is in a really good neighborhood. It is on Kamputa Street and I want to live there.

Is it Me?

C and I are having a rough week. Between meltdowns, disrespectful actions, and down right disobidance I am at my wits end. I have been turning for guidence anywhere I can get it and the guidence sucks. Every Pro-Parenting resourse advice, I already do it, and do it consistantly. And it seems that no two Christian authors provide the same framework. I am not a spanker, never have been, so that is out of the question as a normal happening - it is not something I would be able to stick to or to consistantly apply. We have used timeouts and they have really worked until recently. Here is a quick run down;

In November I took C to the doctors and explained that I felt he was aggressive and lacked attention. She assured me that he was not ADD or ADHD and said it was a phase, that he could be coerced out of it with even more positive re-enforcement. She offered a plan which we are still following. The aggression has subsided, but seems to be lying just under the surface. Now it seems that the all the positive attention has created a really ... I can't even think of a good description, he is just either testing us to the nines, or is suffering, it is so hard to tell which. The other day he had a fit at the bowling alley - a really loud one, then today he took food from the fridge that I specifically told him not too. (He was sent to his room) It seems I need to up the ante, but with what?

Then there is the guilt. I have enough for a whole boat load of people. I know C would be happier at a real school. He longs to be other kids without me on the sidelines. He begs for it. I feel awful and defeated. First, there is not an opportunity to drop him off at an activity and pick him up later - it seems all home-schoolers around here hover over their children - plus each event they plan mandates that you be there. Second, the school here is too dangerous, period. His safety and his education would be in danger, and as a mother, I could not allow it. Why not move you ask? I want to so badly, but Joe just never complies. I can't take it anymore.

I think it is just the guilt that has me so worked up. I think I am just going to start taking away TV, by the day, it is really his only true currency.

A Letter to the Bowling Alley

An Open Letter to the Bolling AFB Bowling Alley:

To Whom it May or May Not Concern:

I would like to take a moment to thank you for your dedication to the Bolling AFB, Services standard of mediocrity. Yesterday, 3/25/08, our family and friends had the opportunity to meet at your location for bowling and pizza. Upon arrival you informed us that the "kiddie" lanes weren't working and that it could take anywhere from 15 minutes to "maybe 2-3 hours". Some day I hope to return the service and inability to explain why this has happened today. Now, we do applaud your MANAGER for letting us know it was not his fault, and it was the compressor - because it wasn't turned on. However, at this time I would like to ask that you reemploy the soft spoken / whispering associate, although we could not hear a word she said, she did know how to turn on the compressor when she opened.
As you are aware, after waiting nearly 45 minutes, my child, age 5, began to have a melt down. I would like to apologize for having my child sit on the side lines screaming "I wanted to go first!" for a half hour. As you may of guessed I was hoping the fit would last a full 45. Again, so-so-so sorry it was a short meltdown.

Yours Truly,
A Fan!

P.S. I would also like to add that because of our location on Bolling AFB, I have had to edit this letter twice in order to spell Bowling correctly - But I know, I know, it isn't your Manager's fault.

That's It!

I grounded my son to his room for the day. I haven't ever done that before, and I am not entirely sure it is what your suppose to do - but who cares! I am the Mom!

This morning was busy, but not so out of the ordinary. C and I traveled to Walter Reed to pick up some prescriptions, the drive is 45-60 minutes each way, plus a wait at the pharmacy. Round trip took us about three hours. But we were home by 11:00. He was really good during the wait in the hospital, but then on the way home he started yelling about McDonald's. It was only 10:15 AM. I didn't pay much attention. Normally when C is crabby, I just respond with extra happiness. When I said, no, we are not going to stop there, he responded with "YES! _ I _ WANNNNNNTTTTT TOOOOOOOOOOO!" So I just said " Oh, I am so glad you understand that we are going to have lunch at home, it is going to be great." He rolled his eyes and went back to singing along with the radio. I find this tactic avoids a lot of back and forth.

So, then we are home & I make us lunch, put his favorite radio station on, and we make a plan for the day. The day involves two repair men coming, cleaning the kitchen, going to the ball field, and school. So I clean, C plays. The he asks if I will play Life, which I do and the repair men come. (there is more to that story too) After the repair men have left I tell C that it is time for school. And I tell you it was a battle. He just decided that he wasn't going to do the work and that was that. Far from taking his hand in mine to complete the writing, I simply told him that if he didn't write his name he would not get a green light for the day in school. (that is our reward system) He wouldn't. Okay fine, we move on. The next task is to make Y's on a line. He refused. Not only did he refuse, he stuck his tongue out, made faces, yelled, and .... well you get the idea. I think I may just be trying to justify my actions here, because seriously I was really mad. I didn't yell. I told C that if he needed to stop this behavior because it was disrespectful. He let me know that he didn't care. So I gave him a choice, complete school or get sent to your room for the day. And now he is in his room. And I feel a little guilty, but darn it, I am standing my ground. And after dinner we will be doing school, not fun stuff like we normally do.

In other news, repairmen came today. One was suppose to fix my dishwasher - as usual, he cannot and will return with a new part next week. Anyway, half way through his task he gets up and says - I'll be back, then calls a person on his cell and walks out of the house. He drives away. About 30 minutes go by, and I decide I am going to let the dog out of the laundry room - I mean who knows how long this guy will be. Well about five minutes go by and I hear a crunching noise. Come to find out, it was this headlamp thing that guy must of left in the kitchen. I scold the dog and go into the kitchen to inspect all the damage. And you know, I was actually a little peeved at the repair man. He left all of his personal stuff all over the floor. A bag, watch, beeper looking thing, tools, not to mention dishwasher parts. Originally I thought the dog got the lamp off the counter - but no, it was all there smelling like old smoke. Gross. So then I realize the dog actually ripped the back side of the light where this padding is that would rest against your forehead. It was wet and sticky, so I grab a paper towel and try to dry it. Then I hear my front door opening. It is the repair man, he didn't even knock! So the dog charges him, I throw his lamp thing on the counter and get the dog. I go into the kitchen to tell the guy about the lamp, and he starts complaining about the work, the light he can't find (Hello! Look Up!) and my dog. So I just hand him his light and walk out. Screw him, I won't buy him a new one. Sorry I made you do your job and that you are so rude that you find it hard to knock. My bad, asshole.

So Not Funny & Then A Little Funny

So, Friday after my commissary trip ...

I put away all the cold stuff, then got a phone call. While on the phone with L I wrote on my blog, and started to clean the kitchen. Then unexpectedly Joe came home early. He just said, "we'll talk later" and headed up stairs. I knew something was wrong. The man carries a cloud with him when he is either in a bad mood or not feeling well. I swear, I could be in the farthest room from the door and I can tell something is up just from the way he walks in the house. The problem with my sixth sense is I can't tell if he is sick, upset, annoyed, or just plain in a bad mood.

Anyway - Friday he was sick. In fact, we ended up calling the paramedics to take him to the hospital. His arm and part of his face were numb, he was violently throwing up, had a raging headache, and had labored breathing. We spent the night at the ER. Some ding-a-ling nurse told him he just had a headache and should have drank water and taken a Tylenol. We pretty much wanted to give him a swift kick to the shins. In the end after loads of testing including a Spinal Tap to rule out a bleeding in the brain, the doc guessed that it might be a severe form of Migraine and put in a consult to a neurologist. Joe is fine, he had lots and lots of different meds at the hospital because nothing was working - and then was having some trippy thoughts and feeling for awhile, but by Sunday he was up and running.

As always I seem to have embarrassing moments in everyday. Friday was no different. Once I spoke with Joe and convinced him that we needed to call the paramedics I ran down stairs to grab a phone. I called our on-base emergency number and reported teh issue when it was done I pressed end button and the phone rang. It was my friend A who immediately starts telling me about a show, Jesus Christ Super Star that we both wanted to go to on Sunday. I let her go on and on, and then say, "uhhh, actually we have kind of an emergency-emergency over here, can I drop Cooper off over there?" She then says yes without hesitation and instead of hanging up I proceed to tell her to make an executive decision about the how. God knows why I felt the need to have a conversation! Okay, so then I hang up the phone and run upstairs to get Joe.

He starts telling me he needs a shirt, and socks. I respond by opening his dresser drawers and just throwing stuff at him. Not mean or anything, just tossing it his way. At this point I can hear the ambulance and become my mother in split second of flashing strobe.... I look at the floor and realize there is laundry there. So I gather it up and run downstairs. I coax the pup into the laundry room out of the way and then ... Here is the Mother part ... throw in a load of whites.

Next C says "Mom we called 911 and they are here, it works, it really works!" He then goes outside and flags them down, and holds the door open. I add fabric softener. Joe sits in a chair and becomes a little disorientated. I then check to see if there is anything in the dryer.

Then the phone rings, A calls and says she is coming over to get C. Then finally I get back to reality and start doing useful things -like giving the EMT's the right info for Joe and moving my unpacked dry groceries out of the way. Oh Lord, thank God A called back, or I might have started dusting, ironing, painting, or some other inane unimportant thing.

BTW Jesus Christ Super Star was wonderful last night. The singing was amazing and the story just perfect for the Lenten season.

Kind of Funny

I am a total math geek, however I cannot count. Today, C and I ventured over to the commissary. Which has been doing much better since my ranting letters about poor service, well, not that they read them - but still they have been better. The store was crowded, but I was able to buy what I went in for. Also they had Cheerios, Cookie Crunch, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Fruit Cheerios on sale for .99 ¢ which was great and some other great sales. Also I had like 22 bucks in coupons. Anyway one of my coupons was for gum, by one get one free. So I pick out four packs. Then after the clerk has rang through half my crap she points to the gum and starts up a dialog, her words are in red.

"So, you ain't use-in two doe-z?"

"Pardon?"

"Da gum, you ain't uses two tix?" She then hands me two out of four coupons

"Oh, no, I want to use all four coupons, thanks." I then hand them back

"Da gum, you can't use all these." She then hands me two coupons back again.

"Why not?" I then look at the coupons and start to hand them back.

"It's two fer un." She then gives me a look as if to say - you dumb ass.

"Oh oops, sorry I will get the extra packs of the rack, thanks."


On my defense, at least I speak in complete sentences and do not use Ebonics as a GS job standard. But as you all know making fun of others is just a defense mechanism, really I was the dumb ass in this scene. LOL.

Not Funny

You know, I am in a really crappy mood. So much so that I would like to unplug the phone: to keep all the perky people from calling, send the boys out: No, I don't want to go to the circus, it smells: and take a nice hot long bubble bath in a clean bathroom.

All three of which are impossible. One, the phone could be unplugged, but perky people leave messages, I have to go to the circus with the boys and our friends - I got out of Disney on Ice last month, and third, my husband uses my bathroom - so it is never as clean as I want.

Also, I have been in constant contact with my IVF nurse, who seems to keep changing game plans on me. My husband has announced that he needs to be in Denver in two weeks (which I new about) but then after that needs to go to San Diego for a week - so not pleased with that because it happens at the same time IVF does - it is just four days before - sooooo what if they change things again - I will be alone.

Then I get this Washington DC tax bill for 250.00 from my old work! It is for them, but my name is on it because when I worked there I was the only office person with DC residence. Now, I could just mail it over to the boss and tell her to fix it; but she won't. It will sit in processing for a week to a week and a half before it gets looked at. Then it will get sent to the accountant's office. Then it may or may not be touched for two weeks before it is shoved under the bosses door. Then when she rolls in around 11:00 she will step on it, then throw it in either her black tray with her daily catalogs or her accordion file which she will never touch. Either way the bill will be late, and my name will be attached. I have to make contact. I am sick over it.

Next I had kids today. Now mind you I have kids every Thursday, and some days are great. Today should have been fine. The baby slept (Yipppeeee) but A and C were not sharing, crying, throwing fits, and tattling, plus an array of other annoying kid behaviors. I need a break - a quiet break.

I seriously could keep bitching up a storm. OHHHH and one more thing: surprise, surprise we didn't get into any DC schools that have passing marks again this year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Darn lotto system for school seats is crazy. However we did get wait listed this year - so you never know. NO, really YOU NEVER KNOW. I want to move and I want to move now. I am seriously having thoughts of moving home for the school year next year. This isn't fair, and I don't know what else I can do to make it any better. NEVER MOVE TO DC _ EVER!

Really I could keep going -but I am just pissing myself off even more. Now I must go, because I have baby pee on me from 12:45 and dog blood on me since 9:00 when the dog lost a tooth at the playground this morning. Not my day.

It's a Battle

This morning C got out his pop out tent. [ side note: this tent is a big red oval looking thing that we got a yard sale for 2.00 years ago, and it is a favorite toy; we even take it camping with us in the summer] So he is in his tent in the living room and he announces he is going to have a battle. He begins hollering and making popping noises and his tent starts to bounce up and down. Then he falls out of it and says "Mom, I'm shot. Get a medic." The ends of my mouth began to curl into a grin and C says "Mom, it is no time to laugh, call a medic, call 911, get me a nurse!" Next he pops back into his tent while moaning and grunting and says "make her a hot one!"

HE IS 5! I am not positive where this fascination with HOT girls is coming from. I am pretty sure he just thinks it is funny because he sees it on TV, and I am pretty sure I shouldn't think it is funny, but man do I. I started laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. Then just to prove that he really is five and not sixteen C calls out "wait, can the dog me my nurse?" So I sent the dog in the tent. The two have been there for over an hour while I showered, made my bed, and got dressed.

LOL - nothing like a dog to lick your wounds in battle.

It's not you, it's my house!

I feel so out of touch lately. While on VK/ Medical Assistance (ha ha) I actively stayed away from F/B and all my blogging habits. When I came back it seems I have been really busy and just can't seem to get twenty minutes to update all my online commitments. I have started three different posts and not finished them. Don't worry you are not missing anything - I mostly complain about C being sick and it being my in-laws fault and then there is more intentional bitching about life in general. Anyway ....

Today I got dressed in front of the dryer. A continued habit of mine. While sliding on my jeans, that are now a little loose (yeah me), straight from the comforting warmth of the "more dry" cycle I felt this hot, I mean really hot, like freaking burning coals hot spot on my stomach. Ahh yes, I now have a bulls eye looking burn mark on just below my belly button thanks to the button on my jeans being on fire after coming out of the dryer. I never cease to amaze myself.

Also, in the embarrassing segments of my day - yesterday's segment anyway, a friend knocked on the door. Normally I open the door wide and welcome her in. Yesterday however while opening the door I noticed a bra, two pairs of panties - one hot pink the other purple - and pair of C's boxers in the front hall. Mind you C doesn't always get right in there - thus I wash his clothes separately - way way way separately. And since I was in the middle of opening the door when I saw this mess I couldn't shut it and then go move the clothes the dog dragged out of the hampers - so I just sort of stood between the door and my friend. She sort of started to step in and then asked "do you have an egg?" Oh thank the LORD - I DIDN'T!!!!! Could you imagine if I did, I would have had to let her in, and as nonchalantly as possible kick my neon panties and C's crap stained ones as far away as I could; as only a mother could. Needless to say we cleaned the house and I did all the laundry yesterday.

It's That Time Again

Every year I do all my annoying appointments right before my B-day. Dentist, Gyn, and the Investment Banker are all set. Granted the Gyn will most likely tell me a random culture has expired and I will have to go back again. That is just the way the seem to be.

So, here I am spread to the nines when the doc all bubbly and cute announces, "Oopsie, forgot to do your breast exam." And she leaves me in the 'position' to complete the OOpsie, which TMI - tickled??? That never happened before. I was really laughing and not because I was embarrassed, It friggin tickled. Then bubbly doc says, "well those are weird" and then didn't elaborate. So I say "what are weird?" Bubbly doc that laughs and says "Oh nothing, lets do the pelvic next." ... Strangest appointment ever...

The banker issue was a non-issue this year. My 401K lost 9,000. Which leaves me with only 1,000 left. I am taking the cash rolled over into an IRA, but only because I have no choice. I mean I could take 700.00 of the 1000.00 and call it all quits, but then I am actually paying taxes of 30% which is just more loss. Mom said it best when she said "Well, it is 1,000 bucks you will never have to save again if you roll it over." And there you have actual lucid, valid, and intelligent advice from my mother - that I am actually taking.

Next is the Dentist. I am late this year, not going until the end of the month. They just couldn't fit me in. Which is a bummer - I actually like going on my B-day - then my teeth are extra shiny in pics - oh well such is life.

Great News!

Not that I have a million followers, or that even one of my followers would be reading every word, but still I feel the need to live vicariously through others, and report it to what few faithful readers I do have.

So, a little while ago I mentioned that our friends were going through IVF at the same time we were. Well, apparently they had a positive result. So for the first time ever, and I do mean ever, in my married life, I am really truly excited for someone else being pregnant. Now normally, I love hearing news of a new baby on the way from my friends, but somewhere in the initial "we are pregnant" speech, as I am preaching my excitement, which is genuine, I feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach. Although I am always happy for the families, I start to feel sad that it isn't us. But this time, not so much.

I just really happy for them. Maybe I am just getting older and wiser, or maybe I just feel like our turn is around the corner, I don't know. Either way it is great news for them and for me.

In other news, I am back from Massachusetts. Mom is doing just fine and was really happy C and I came up. We stayed really close to home to help her out but we did sneak away to see my cousin E play soccer. It was awesome. Also, as always we had Sunday Dinner at Mom's. Only 12 of us this time around, but still fun. Just sitting around talking about nothing and everything while we eat some great home cooking. It was nice. I wish Joe's family would get together for no reason sometimes - might be nice to see how the other side of the family lives. (more on that subject later - I've got lots to bitch about there)

TTFN - JJ (as my sister calls me)

Homeward Bound

See you in a week. I am off to Massachusetts. Mom is having surgery on her hand and needs an extra set :O)

I am OK

So, I am fine. The other day's crazy weight fiasco is okay - I am good now. But oh so on a diet, which should be pretty easy over Lent anyway since you are suppose to fast through to Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner only. No snacking for 40 days and 40 nights. BTW, I cut that back to only Friday's in years past because the church does allow it, but I am going old school. Should be back to normal by Easter. Which is great because IVF starts the day after.

Speaking of IVF. I talked with the financial office at Walter Reed and found out how much we owe, 367.00. Can you believe it? I am so excited. We fronted 6800 and were canceled on day 10, the day before surgery. Apparently we over paid for an extra procedure that we don't need, so there was carry over from that. That is all a great relief. We should have our small but helpful refund from the IRS on Friday, so there you have it - we don't have to charge another round. Yippeeeeee.

In other news I have been praying a ton for our friends because they just recently finished a cycle of IVF. They must be getting or have already gotten their results some time this week. I am so hopeful for them. Even though they are far away it was nice to go through it together. However, it would be better if we didn't go through it together again because that would mean someone is actually pregnant. For an pretty un-superstitious person, I probably just jinxed us all, oh well Thoughts & Prayers.

Hip Check

Seriously, I am really ticked. Mostly at myself, but if I could find someone to blame I might feel better. Somethings are just not fair. I call foul!

Now, I watch my weight and exercise... a lot. I am not saying I go 'Biggest Looser' style with 6-8 hour workouts, but I get an hour a day at least. For example this morning I ran for 20 minutes on the treadmill than rode the bike and elliptical for another 25, add in normal activities like walking the dog, chasing C around, and cleaning and I more than have an hour already for today. In fact, you would think I would weight much less than I really do, but I have a habit of skipping breakfast, grazing at lunch and totally pigging out at dinner, which means my metabolism hates me. Anyway, I decide that before the next IVF cycle I should try to trim down 10% which would be 18 pounds. YIKES. (Math geeks would see me at 180).

Anyway I have been doing a little better with the consistent eating and cut back caffeine and cream in my coffee. But I noticed I always weighed the same. Then on Saturday I weighed myself with full clothing including shoes and my coat and weighed 180. Oh crap! I thought and promptly went out to by a new scale yesterday. Things are not good my friends they are not good at all.

I must have looked really bad to the doc during cycle because every time before they weighed me I would say 185 when asked the question. But really I was tipping the scales ten pound heavier. TEN! Oh yes, I am admitting it, I am barely under the dreaded 200 mark. 195.

So I grabbed the new scale and weigh myself in every room that has a hard surface. It is the same 194.8, which really is 195. So then I take the old scale and grab the dog and her and I stand on it and weigh in at 175. The dog weighs 35 pounds! I am sick over it, just sick.

All I can say is. I have lost weight since I stopped working at CSS - I do not even want to know what I really weighed back then. I am sooooooooo on a real diet.

No comments please, lets just pretend this is all a scary dream. (HA!)

Dumpster Dives & Cheapo Finds

Today was interesting. First C wakes me up at 6:00 and announces "Good Morning Mommy! It is 7:00, and I have had 3 granola bars, the rest of the cookies, and poured my own juice, Oh and here is your coffee, bye gotta go, oh yeah and I'm hungry can you make me breakfast?" Sooo I schlep downstairs and let the dog out, poured out the cup of coffee C made, and picked up the wrappers from the snack raid. Next I made a new pot of coffee and made breakfast. Somehow I missed the clock and didn't realize it was 6:00 until I tried to put on the Today Show. I am certainly not that chipper in the morning, but I was particularly not in a good mood this morning. In fact I had quite a headache and by 7:00 I was on the couch, with a blanket and cold cup of coffee sitting on the table. I am pretty sure the dog drank it once I fell back to sleep.

Later, I heard the shower running and went back to my room assuming it was Joe, which it was, so I crawled back in bed and didn't get up until 11:00. Joe said he tried to wake me but I wouldn't budge. It was so weird. I have no idea even when I actually went up there, but once I woke up I was fine. Last night I took four Tylenol by mistake. I meant to take two, but forgot I already took them and then just popped two more without thinking. I ended up in bed by 10:00 and was feeling really dopey. Maybe it was all connected. Anyway...

Once I awoke from the dead Scott dropped me off at the post office to mail some Ebay stuff. I ended up walking home because he and C saw a basketball hoop on the side of the road that someone was throwing out. So they ventured off to get it. As they drove off I told Joe to get the bench and the Tonka trucks from a few doors down too. He has no shame, me I wait until it is dark out (hee hee - like it matters) So he went shopping / dumpster diving what ever you want to call it, we call it Curb-bees. Next we went over to Andrews and ate Taco Bell. (the results: most likely the dog won't even want to hang out with me later) After lunch we checked out their thrift store- I got C a new shirt and vest for Easter for only 3.00. Then we headed over to a thrift store I read about online near the base. It was packed, but we managed to load up our cart. I got C two pairs of sneakers, once pair of Walmart brand and one pair of Vans which look new, then we got two pounds of Lego's, a bag filled with transformers and McDonald's toy, and I got a Kate Spade pocket book, the whole bill came to 14.00. Last weekend we went to a different thrift store in Falls Church which we loaded up a full cart with stuff for only 33.00. I looked online to see if they had any other locations and found this one.

So I expected the purse to be a knock-off. I remember reading somewhere that Kate Spade's are the easiest ones to copy. I checked it out and it looked pretty good. The stitching is good, the leather handles are real leather and there is a country of origin label on the inside. So I decided to check the web. http://ihatecounterfeitbags.info/katespadelabels had my labels - under real Kate Spade bags. That means I just paid 3.94 for a 300.00 hand bag either that or I paid 3.94 for a damn good 40.00 knock off. Either way, I made out. Yeah me.

After my great finds, we headed home and decided to take Maggie and C over to the baseball field. We had a blast. For over an hour we were hitting tennis balls to the out field and seeing who got them faster, the dog, or the kids. It was a riot and we had so much fun. It was still in the 40's today but with no wind we could bear it :O). Maggs was thrilled to get to run off leash. She has pretty much been sleeping since we got home. Up only once to see what I put in the sink after dinner. She can reach the sink, and likes to lick the plates, so so sad.

Once we got home we were all wicked thirsty so I poured us some juice and C and I sat at the table eating a snack and he says "Mom, this is a great weekend, Monopoly last night and Yatzee, getting cheap stuff at the store and Curb-Bees then going to the baseball field." I really don't know how we are going to top this for tomorrow. Ha ha.

IKEA - the new daycare?

A friend and I brought our kids to Ikea today. We brought them there with a mission. Wear them out, and avoid the winter blahs we have all been experiencing. So we bussed four kids 25 miles just to have free day care for an hour. It was so worth it. The kids all played in the ball pit and T and I walked around looking at weirdly small furniture. After we took the kids to their cafe and loaded up on oddly American versions of Swedish foods. In the end we talked about going there next week if the weather doesn't warm up.

It has been in the 40's - YIKES! I was feeling really cold until I read a friends blog - she said it was 9, and not that bad. Perspective is everything.

What NOW?

An email:

S, J, C & Maggie,

Lets plan on talking this weekend.

Love L & D

So I ask you, now what? Do we have to plan to talk, really - is that how we are now? I am not in the mood, so there.

Last I talked to L I was so angry that I may have been foaming at the mouth. The quick run down, Joe is going back to school at the end of the month (Yeah for him) and she wanted to know what would happen if he failed, what will he do if he gets busy at work, what will happen if he doesn't pass a test, who is going to help him with his papers, blah blah blah. My answer to everything, "S is a really smart guy, he can take care of himself and will be fine". Then L starts carrying on about being a bad mother and needing more faith in her son.

I can't take it, it is an emotional roller coaster I do not wish to ride. It is ridiculous. The man is 32 years old. He runs three major government production programs in three different states and works in a fourth. He remembers every darn history and baseball fact he has ever heard, read or seen and can cross-reference and draw congruences between them all. The guy is smart. And yes, you should have more faith in him.

Granted he does drive like a moron and leave the toilet seat up. So unless they are teaching toilet etiquette in college, the man will do great. And what is all this talk about who will help him? Certainly she was fishing for the "Oh I will help out." Noooooo. He is a big boy who can take care of himself. I graduated; REMEMBER! Joe proof read maybe four papers for me in the eight years I went to school. Why? Because I am a grown up!

Lets plan on talking this weekend ... great.

Old, Shriveled, & My Mother

New readers - this is way too much info I am sure - but what else are blogs for?

Still no period. Still. As in it has been a month since I stopped the fertility drugs and have an abundant amount of eggs just floating around all shriveled up and gross. I just made an appointment for the annual the nurses ordered and am going to get the blood work done today. I read somewhere that your body may absorb unused eggs much like a miscarriage in early pregnancy. In that case, I would assume I wouldn't be in pain. And as you might have guessed I am not a doctor.

In other news, I think I might have turned into my mother. Yesterday I wore a "clean bowling" shirt (as she would call it) and later that night, as I am stripping in front of the washing machine, (a habit of mine) I realize I have on white boring tennis shoes, ripped jeans, a brightly colored shirt, a stained sweatshirt, and as you may have guessed, if you know my Mom, my hair was a white a women's fro. No need to throw it all in the wash, I trashed the sweatshirt and the jeans, shirt went to the goodwill bag, and the sneakers - well they are the best walking shoes I have - so up in my closet they went. If I start talking about the Home Depot at random intervals please just shoot me.

Smashing

My sister is a fantastic author. Just thought I would put that out there. One of her most recently finished books, Smashing, is being sent to different publishers. One such publisher asked to see a full copy of the book but then rejected it. Although said publisher did offer detailed feedback and mentioned that she may be interested in reading a rewrite.



Now, for some reason or another I cannot stop thinking about this book. It was amazing. I loved it. In a nut shell, teenage angst mixed with I am Legand w/o the zombies. Actually it could be mixed with a lot of "Last Survivor" type stories, but it is so much better than anyone I have seen. Sadly, though M was pretty crushed that the publisher didn't love the book as is and suggested key changes which in her opinion change the story and characters that she loves.



So why do I feel the need to ramble about another's accomplishments and angst, because I keep dreaming of the book. I keep seeing it as a movie playing with all different changes and comparisons to her current draft. Last night I was evening dreaming I was eating popcorn while watching Dakota Fanning play Francine.

The whole popcorn thing was the nightmare part of the sequence. If you have read previous posts you may remember I have a new love affair with spray butter. Well, the affair is on the fritz. First I bought the blue kind instead of the yellow. The yellow is sooooo much better. Next I have overloaded on the popcorn. Worse, I keep getting pieces stuck in my teeth. My gums are retaliating and I am certain I might need to go to the dentist early than planned because I keep feeling like a kernel is stuck in my back tooth. No amount of floss or little flosser sticks have helps.

Nothing like making an ode to my sister's great book a story about me.

Vulgarity, the new Valentine's Day Theme

A few weeks ago, I checked my favorite movie theater's web site to see what the Monday movies were. (on Monday's all movies are 1.00 - seriously that is it) Bolt was playing which we saw randomly a few weeks back at Andrew's AFB. So the plan for the moment was not going to happen. Anyway, they advertised on their site for a Valentine's Day, Wine Tasting, Comedy, and Movie Night. The cost was 8.00. How great is that. We live in one of the most expensive places in the US and we get great deals on entertainment.

** side note, last year we were loaded. I worked full time made more than Joe and spent it like there was no tomorrow. It was like I forgot everything I learned in Minot and Vandenberg. At first, I was like WOW we can afford to by Milk on the 10th of the month. The next thing I know we are flying to Disney and staying longer than we planned, going to huge name concerts, and shopping became a past time. Fortunately, I did save some of it, but in reality, not much. So then in April I quit the full time gig and went to part time to help the company and make a little extra money through the summer. Next thing you know we have blown through savings and liquid cash, our IRA's and my 401K has TANKED and I have gone back to really knowing when we get paid, how much, and when I can and cannot buy milk.

Now with all that being said: Last year we went to a really fancy reservations required semi-formal, kind of a place. 120.00 prepayment required plus 24.00 tip. You had to pre-order. Scott ordered some fancy steak, and my meal was forgettable. In fact what we do remember is great ambiance, walking around Georgetown after, holding hands, and going to McDonald's on the way home. Yes McD's. Our food was so minuscule that we were not just a little hungry we were absolutely starving. So this year's 16.00 total price tag for an even had me pretty happy.

Onto the Vulgarity:

We got to Arlington around 6:10 and doors opened at 6:30. So we go in, we stand in line, and when the doors open there is rush to get to the good seats, of which we did get. Then, the waiters come around and ask if you want anything from the restaurant or bar. We ordered drinks and nachos - oh soooo romantic. Then the comedy started. Three comics strutted their stuff and we pretty funny. Vulgar, yes, funny, oh yeah. (although the people behind us brought their tween girls - weird) One comedian imitated a cat in heat another complained that too many bums in DC and had an entire unsympathetic hilarious bit on the political incorrectness's of such a bit. I almost choked on my dink as I inhaled a laugh and made a hiccup noise escaped my nostrils, so it must have been funny. Then the movie. The Princess Bride. OH it was so sweet and nice. Oddly people felt and extreme need to clap, hoot, and repeat famous lines. But I enjoyed the movie. And remembered something funny half way through.

When I was in the 6th grade a friend and I pretended we were making out with Fred Savage using pillows while watching the Movie. The show the Wonder's Years had premiered that winter and we begged the girls mom the rent us the movie from Video King because we were in love with the kid. Laugh- it is okay - I take solace in the fact that it was a short lived crush. I moved on to Jonathon Brandice years later - I had a poster of him with a soccer ball from the movie Ladybugs. He offed himself some years later or so I have heard. That was a pathetic crush - he looked like such a girl. Next I moved on actually boys I knew. Some of which have also looked like girls, but have not offed themselves.

Fred is still alive. Granted I am married ... but ... I might have to rekindle my crush - because he is now a producer of one of my favorite shows, Always Sunny in Philadelphia which had been referred to as "Seinfeld" on crack. Who pooped the Bed?, being my favorite episode of his. How can a guy this warped also have produced gems like Hannah Montana and Zoey 101? (granted he only worked on a few episodes, but still???!?!?!) I warn fellow followers the vulgarity of the comedians last night is nothing compared to Always Sunny. But I digress, the Princess Bride ... ahh what a great Valentine's Day.

Fred Facts: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000625/filmoseries#tt0340281

Arlington Draft House: http://www.arlingtondrafthouse.com/default.aspx?page=home

Become a Fan of Princess Bride on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/The-Princess-Bride-Book-Film/9238887431?ref=mf

Just so you know

I totally stink at Rock Band. The guitar - I can handle sort of, but then my hands get tired. The drums are a horrid mess - there is no excuse there, when you have no rhythm and cannot pat your head and rub a circle on your stomach at the same time - it pretty much means you will never play an instrument that requires two hands. The singing is passable, but really I must be considerate of the neighbors.

Needles to say I LOVE IT! C and I played a few cities tonight - we totally rock.

Honesty - Really - Shut Up

There really is no such thing as true honesty is there? Point in case:

Case One, a phone call from a family member:

"Hey J how are you?"

My Answer: "Oh pretty good - you?"

The Truth: "Friggin terrible, but what do you care? Because if I tell you the truth you will cut the call short and say something stupid"

Case Two, self explanatory

"Mom Can I have candy?"

My Answer: "No, if you have too much candy it will rot your teeth."

The truth: We skipped teeth brushing the other night which I am sure is worse than a piece of heart candy the in-laws sent in the mail, and quite frankly I am just to damn lazy to get up and get it off the top shelf.

Case Three, strangers

"Oh your dog is so cute."

My Response "Oh thanks, we sure like her."

The truth: YES SHE IS YOU DUMB F thanks for pointing out the obvious, now if you don't mind I am in the middle of my walk and would like to make it back home in time to watch my shows.

The truth of the truth: The shows are DVR'd

Agony

I am dying. No it is not a tumor, a real death threat, or my mother-in-law, it is the result of fertility drugs. I have over 45 eggs floating around in me still! I am in pain with the tenderness, swelling, feeling full when I am hungry, and irritability, but are all secondary to the idea that something is really wrong. I am calling the nurse this morning.



I last took the Lupron, Menopure, and FSH the day we were canceled, 1/24/08, I would have thought I would have had a period by now. It isn't fair, The retrieval was suppose to me the 25th with a back up date of the 26th. Granted all the eggs are dried and shriveled up by now, but I am in pain. Also I am really moody, and tired. Weather that is related or not, I have no clue.

Last night I went to bed at 10:20. I slept until 7:00 and am still tired. I watched the news for a while, and now and off to play castle ghettoville with C. But really he is whiny - has been for two days - and I am crabby... so, well I would rather take a nap. I am a mess, and it seems as though it is rubbing off on him.

I Got Nothing

Would you believe nothing has happened that is blog worthy this weekend? I wouldn't either. Here is a quick recap:

1. Took the dog to Pet-Smart with C. It was a blast. Also, most of the pets there were out of their minds, and mine was calm and happy. We had a great time.

2. I saw a lady in church who forgot to take the tag of a new pair of jeans. A long tag down the back of one of her legs revealed that she wore a pair of CK size 9 jeans. Upon a further look, I am inclined to tell you that the muffin top she was sporting most likely would have brought her out of the juniors sizes and in to the double digit ladies department.

3. I watched the movie Hancock and was not overly impressed. It was flat. That makes two Will Smith movies in a row that were disappointing. I Am Legend being the first. Not that either were terrible, just boring and predictable. Just a thought, Will sing me some more Get Jiggy With It, PLEASE.

4. My husband has been sorting baseball cards feverishly because he starts school at the end of the month. He wants to organize them yet again before his free time is filled with studies. Anyway, he opened a tote he hadn't looked at in a while and held up a 24K Gold Larry Bird card. He leaned over and held it up in the light and said "Hey this is cool, have you ever seen this one." My response "Yes, it is mine, you gave it to me one year as a gift, then kept it."

5. I am loving my new dryer. I have had dryer woes for two years due to the purchase of a high end washer/dryer combo. The machine is popular in apartment because it uses no ventilation is small and requires you to do nothing but add some soap and press start. It washes the clothes then dries them all in the same drum. It sucks. It takes 3 hours to dry a small load. Jeans never dry. With that being said, I saw several dryers and washers on the curb last week waiting for our monthly bulk trash pick up. We made use of the new Jeep and brought one home. Dumpster Diving at its best. I had it hooked up with in 20 minutes of bringing it home and have washed as much as I can fit into my washing machine. Every comforter, curtain, blanket and coat I could wash and dry was fair game. It has been a week ... I have nothing left to wash. I feel a slight sense of loss. So so so sad.

6. I replaced the batteries in the mouse.

7. I did not disconnect the mouse Joe plugged into the PC.

8. Every time I have used the computer I have knocked the old mouse with my elbow, throwing my focus off from the task at hand.

9. I am lazy.

10. I still have not unplugged the other mouse.

11. I have no plans to unplug the other mouse.

12. I basically just typed a couple hundred words with out saying a darn thing,

It's an IVF World Out There

Yesterday, after tracking down the phone I placed a call the IVF nurse and left a message. I've noticed how completely out of breath I am when I call this place. Normally because I find the phone somewhere downstairs and then run upstairs because that is where her phone number is located and because it makes me so nervous. So here is my call:

ME "Hi Tessa! My name is JW and I was part of the January IVF cycle. My last four are **** and I am ready to try again in April. Call me, +++-+++-++++.

Press One to Keep and Press Two to re-record. I then Press two.

ME "Good Morn.... oh crap it is afternoon."

Press One to Keep and Press Two to re-record. I then Press two.

ME " Good afternoon, my name is JW my number is ***-***-****"

Press One to Keep and Press Two to re-record. I then Press two.

ME "Hey, this is JW and I ...." then I inhale large breath and inadvertently make a fart noise with my mouth.

Press One to Keep and Press Two to re-record. I then Press two.

ME "Hi, this is JW please call me regarding enrolment in the April cycle, my number is ***-***-**** and last four are ****, thank you.

Press One to Keep and Press Two to re-record. I then Press one.

Anyway the nurse called back today and said I need a new PAP and new blood work, that all my previous information was now out of date. Need I remind anyone that I had eight trans-vaginal, yes eight, as in probe up the who-ha ultrasounds in a matter of seven days. You are telling me no one could let me know then my PAP was going to expire. And blood work?!?!?!? Hello, you took my blood every day for almost two weeks! But I digress. After the first cycle, I really have no shame.

The nurse also let me know that she would send my chart back to the finance department and they will call me with the balance due for April. I am on pins and needles over this one. The doctor did say we would be able to roll over the majority of costs, but still it is scary to know a big bill will be on our door step again.

Ring, Ring, Do you hear the phone?

NO, because we are always loosing it!

Let's Play!

This morning I woke up to the sound of a battle. The dog was barking, C was hooting and hollering, and all this plastic sounding crashing was going on. It took me only seconds to know which toys they were playing with. Imaginex take up a large toy box all by themselves in our guest room. On rainy days, or super cold nights we pull them out and build castles, ships, and entire villages of dinosaurs and pirates. The toys are fun, but the building part is tedious. We have books upon books of part lists, and connection directions, but it just takes hours to complete. So once upon a time Joe told C that he was building "Castle Ghettoville" and proceeded to secure mismatched pieces together just to create something quick. So that is what we call our Imaginex, Castle Ghettoville. And Castle Ghettoville is what I woke up to this morning, and I immediately joined in the battle for the lava pits. It was kind of fun to play in my jammies with my hair all crazy.

My hair is still crazy, although I did manage to get a quick show in, I didn't have time to actually do anything with this mop. C has been wanting to play different things all morning. After Castle Ghettoville we moved on to magic tricks, go-fish, word games on his kiddie lap top, puzzle games, and a time telling game. After a few hours I said, okay time to clean up and get ready for school. C looked at me shook his head, and said "Uhhmmm Mommy, I kind of have a lot to do today, sooooo can we just keep playing." To which I responded to in a giggling, "Really, a lot to do, ahh yes, like school." The conversation went back and forth, I lost. Somehow I have been talked into a play dough mess, a hair cut, a bath, then lunch, then school. Currently we are up to the bath.

Sometimes I forget how much fun it is to play. I start thinking I actually don't like it, I'm too tired, too busy, too lazy, too something or other. I have had fun this morning and so has my son, which is a nice change from the normal Monday routine.

Are We Done Yet?

At noon I started to get this creeping headache. It moved up the back to my neck and has progressively entered the frontal lobe region. Poor me. As all the extra hormones exit my system from the IVF I am left with killer headaches and am really tired. In fact, for the last week I have been in bed by 9:30 and sleeping until 8:00. It is like PMS to the ninth.

In other news. I may be addicted to my blog, facebook, and email. Upon checking to see if I had any messages, comments, or emails I noticed an extreme amount of notes from me ... So here I sit, blogging, and internally complaining that I have no time to fold the laundry or make my bed. It is 2:08PM. I am pretty sure God is about to stick me with a large fork in the backside.

This fork would not only be for actively procrastinating everything this week, but also for calling the clerk at the commissary a piece of Monkey Shit, and actually meaning it. Those weird thoughts are still clouding my brain. Moreover, this Sunday we also skipped church. We got bad news about the IVF ending on Saturday and just didn't want to face the world. So I have been racking up the hellish points all week.

So here goes, I am made myself some coffee. That should help out the headache, a little caffeine can't hurt. Then I am going to log off this website, X out of my facebook and email accounts, and do something productive. My score with God and Jesus will be settled privately, any readers may want to pray for me because seriously I am still giggling at the idea of calling someone anything that has to do with poop.

A Letter to the Commissary Part Two

It is my own fault. I know the place is crooked yet I continue to return. Last time they wouldn't check a price this time they wouldn't take a valid coupon and were horribly rude. (Even worse then the last time) Well, I am done, that is it. NO MORE. I wrote a letter of complaint and seriously this time and considering mailing it. Now for your reading pleasure:

Dear Provider,

Your continuous quest for mediocrity and obscure customer service is still undeniably the best in town. Today, January 29, 2009 my family was shopping in your Washington DC location. One item that we were interested in was displayed with a coupon. The coupon asked that the purchaser but two items and receive a discount. I bought two items. Upon checkout the clerk would not accept my coupon stating their was no bar code. I asked her to accept in since it was posted with the item, she refused. I asked her to make sure she told someone the coupon was there and her response was "I di-in't put it there, it ain't my fault." (please note, I did not spell didn't incorrectly, her pronunciation was lazy and argumentative, and ain't is NOT A WORD!) She also was rude, became oddly defensive, and burped while shoving my change at me. (the change fell to the floor)

SHE is a piece of monkey shit. I just thought you should know!

Sincerely , Your Piece of Monkey Shit charged me for a green pepper when I bought a red so ha, ha!

I am OK

The initial shock of the moment has passed, and like most bouts of bad news it has come with some sort of blessing in disguise. The money we laid down is still good, because we hadn't gotten to the part our health insurance didn't cover yet. So we do not need to front another 6800.00. What we actually need, I do not no yet, but it won't even be close to that. Also, as Joe and I have much discussed, it is better to be put on hold than get a negative result after all is said and done. So we are on hold until April. Until then I can eat a little healthier and keep that caffeine to a minimum which can only help. Also we can focus our attention to moving- which we constantly put on hold because of its cost and inconvenience. Well - maybe I guess just one step at a time.

Did I mention we need a new car. URGHHH what a headache - We are praying and still I got nothing. The car I thought we would buy tonight actually sold over the weekend. Go figure. The worst economy since the 30's and we still can't purchase a large ticket item. It feels like when we were trying to buy a house. Life is weird sometimes.

Hopefully I will be back to my joking candor soon - this serious perspective is sort of boring and a little overwhelming - makes the whole mooning the doctor thing seem not so bad.

Exiting Stage Left

It is over. Our cycle was canceled because my levels plummeted even further. We have an option to start over in April. We both are so sad. There really isn't all that much to say on the topic, it is just over for now.

You're up You're down, You are a MESS

It is an interesting roller coaster, IVF. Today we were told by the good doctor (the guy) that everything is looking great and my estrogen levels are suspected to be normalized. He sent us to pre-op, we reviewed the HCG shot, and he happily announced surgery would either be Sunday or Monday.

Later that day... we get a call from the nurse. She says my levels plummeted and the eggs will be no good unless they can get them back up, but we only have one day for that, because then the cycle begins to end. If they don't go back up, we will be canceled. Tears, tears, and more tears formed into a crown at the end of my chin. I am so sure she new I was crying, but I did my best to hold it together. Telling the news to Joe was even harder.

Joe is brunting a lot of the emotional stress for both of us. He is on a quest to make this a easy as possible for me. His quest is greatly appreciated. However it seems because he is bearing all the stress, things are having greater impact on him.

I just keep telling myself that the nurses are more cautious and do not want to see you go to surgery and then be told there were no good eggs. They don't want to you feel that horrible feeling of disparate hurt any later than you have to, because the further along you get into the cycle the more emotional it becomes. Doctors in this case, want you to stay positive, and avoid stress so your chances are better. This is in our case anyway. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

The Doc will see your back side now

The IVF appointments continue. Today was day six in a row, blood work and a sonogram with a side of horrid humiliation. Which went something like this.

Assistant with a nasty case of the morning crankies "Wagner"
Joe " OOOOOH that is us"
Assistant with a nasty case of the morning crankies "Uhhhhuhhh, this way - undress from waist down, there's a sheet." Assistant with nasty case of morning crankies then points to exam room and places a post it with our name on it to the door.
Me " Joe, can you move the chair this side of the room?"
Joe " Yeah, sure"
I proceed to remove sneakers, jeans, and hot pink bikini panties, next I bend over and slide the pile of clothes under the chair but before I can stand up, the new Doc knocks and walks in at the same time.
Doctor with awful timing "You ready? Oh, nooooo, UMMMM, I'll be outside."
Me "Just give me a minute"

Yes, a minute, now instead of seeing the full moon, you can see the oasis of my lady parts while I try not to cry, flinch, or worse; enjoy it as you stab me with a huge probe.

The IVF continues

For the past three days I have had appointments, actually make that four. Sunday, I had to go in to have blood drawn, then that night I got a call from the doctor that my estrogen levels are too high, and as a result I need to half my dosages of drugs. Unfortunately that doesn't mean I get to take any less shots, only that the meds inside are less {oh, poor, poor me} So, I continue to get a bruise from the shots, daily, four times daily. Can't wait for those HCG & Progesterone shots - Yeah! Well, that is if we make it that far.

My estrogen levels have not gone down, so today I was given an antidote of sorts and told to wait for a call about doses. Around 3 the lab called and said to continue the other doses I was taking and do not take the antidote. As usual, they couldn't tell me why because, they didn't have my chart. You know, I am a little peeved at that one, for crying out loud, charts are electronic, turn your damn computer on! But I digress. Yesterday when they called they mentioned that my cycle could be canceled if the levels don't return to normal. I would just like to know, if they are the same or did the level go down - hello - fragile state of mind here.

IVF Appointment One Follow Up

Today we had the "baseline" appointment. Everything ran smoothly, like clock work pretty much. First I had an ultrasound, transvaginal - which is really wierd! Then registration (that took less that 60 seconds.) Then we waited for the pharmacy to open. Once it opened the line sped through. I have never in my life seen such a place. There was none of this turn in your script then wait an hour for your drugs, it took minutes. We handed over our ID, then the pharmasists were motoring to fill our bags with injectables. We were there all of five minutes. Next we were off to a conference room to wait for our injection class. It was calm, supportive, and well worth the time. Although we had to practice at the end. I gave my self the small shot and Joe had to do the one in my butt. (oh - so glam!) That one killed, and still hurts. So tomorrow I take no pills that on the 14th start the lupron, then on the 15th the whole shabang. I feel pretty comfortable with the ordeal concidering the emotional toll.

IVF - Appointment One

The first appointment is tomorrow. We have to leave the house at 5:00AM. My stomach is turning at the slightest thought of food, I am really hot, and I cannot seem to concentrate on much. Although I did manage a 65 minute bath, which was awesome. Half way through I let the water out, and started over. Brought in my new MP3, Joe brought me a Diet Coke (caffeine free - I read somewhere that no caffeine might up our chances - I had a major migraine for three days - but seems to be doing fine now - more on that battle later ) and because C is at a friends house tonight, I had no, yes I said it, NO interruptions.

The next scheduled appointment is inauguration day - YIKES - we were so scared the bridge to get back to our home in DC was going to be closed, and that we would not be able to get to the hospital, but we are good. We have a huge alternative route to get there, and getting home should be a mess, but we will get there; Traffic and all. Go Obama!

Popcorn

I have a new love affair with spray butter. It is creamy, sweet, salty, and has no calories. My commonsense portion of the brain knows it must be hiding something beneath that beautiful yellow and blue curvy bottle, but it just feels so right.

Consequently, I have consumed a larger than normal amount of popcorn in the last two weeks, as well as, floss - lots and lots of floss.

Today I picked a kernel out of my teeth with tweezers because I could not find the "little flossers" I adore so much. Maybe popcorn companies should package the flossers with the kernels - I am just saying.

A Letter to the Commissary

Dear Provider,

Your quest for mediocrity and obscure customer service is undeniably the best in town. Today, January 4, 2009 my family was shopping in your Washington DC location. One item that we were interested in buying was not marked with a price. There was no pricing for the item on the shelf, above or below the item. After picking up several small items we proceeded to the check out. After a short wait in line, I asked the cashier to check the price of the item. She refused. When I questioned her response she refused again and explained that she was not allowed to do so because of her new register. The conversation was as follows the red italics are your employee.

"erhhmmmm"
"Good Morning, how are you?"
"Paper or plastic"
"Neither, I have my own bag thank you, however could you please check the price for this item before we begin check out?"
"No, you can go to the back of aisle four or thirteen"
"I am sorry, What?"
"No, we can't check prices up here now that we have the new registers, we are not allowed."
"But your register has the capability?"
"Look, I am sorry those are the rules, besides wasn't there a sign below the item?"
"No, there was not a sign, and I did not see the price scanners at the back of the store, can you please check the price for me this time?"
"No, those are the rules."
"I do not want the item, this rule has cost the store a sale, and the cost to put the item back."
"erhhmmmm"

For obvious reasons I will not be returning. Also, you might want to school your employees on the difference between a zucchini and a cucumber. You are not only loosing dollars and cents on item returns but also in error.

Signed, happily paying cucumber prices.

New Year With a Bang

There seems to be a strange silence when you know you are so wrong.

Point in case, two days ago I was so angered at Joe that I was short, annoying, and most likely quite a B. He made an appointment for a gastro consult because his liver has been out of control. The appointment is at the end of cycle, and I was so hurt. Granted I knew this was a very important deal, but just couldn't accept the fact that IVF is not always the most important thing in life. Yesterday Joe was complaining of horrible stomach pains. He kept downing loads of Metamucil to no avail. Around four he spiked a fever and we knew it was an infection, off to the ER we went. He was diagnosed with DVT given hours of drip antibiotics and then we were sent home with a plethora of scripts.

So for days before there was this weird silence, if I wasn't fussing about something unimportant I couldn't talk. I didn't want to communicate because I new I was so wrong.

God works in funny ways sometimes. The ER visit was amazing, I mean painful for Joe and all, but in the last two hours C passed out in a chair and we just talked, really talked. Suddenly I am okay with it all. I am ready to move on, go forward with it all. It isn't just me, I am not alone.

kind of funny

Six weeks before Thanksgiving I bruised my tailbone during downward dog. It still hurts when I sit for an extended period of time. It is 12:27 PM, I have already watched four hours of Big Love on demand. I am so screwed.

Collective Christmas Thoughts ...

Joe volunteered to lay wreaths at Arlington, it seemed to put him in the Christmas mood but me, I complained to him just days before Christmas that I wasn't in the spirit, and wasn't really looking forward to it. I feel bad. I ended up with major PMS sparked by the darn meds. I felt terrible. I forgot to bring the BC with me on vacation and had to call the nurses and explain my ineptness. I feel silly.

Christmas eve was nice, but weird. My crazy aunt gave me a necklace with her initial on it, my grab gift was awesome, the kids we're too cute, I got to see my cousin S whom I always seem to miss at family functions, and my husband didn't seem to crack under my families extreme ability to make an immense amount of noise. I felt pretty good.

Christmas day was nice, my parents in the morning; his in the afternoon. It was a nice time. Then the weekend came and went. We had a party with the W extended family. The drive to and from was horrid thanks to constant complaining by L. The party itself was fun. Over all I just felt indifferent over the season in general. The good the bad and the thought of ugliness continues.

January 12 is soon approaching. I cannot think of much else. Really Christmas was a blur, I was in a personal fog and continue to be that way. I am concerned from everything from money to child care during the process. Not sure if I am really feeling the real issues associated with IVF. I am almost numb to it, but every other thought, feeling, or action is times five. It is so not me.

NOT Funny

I am tired. Really tired. Also, I am kind of annoyed at all the holiday cheer at the moment. I am only on 10 milligrams of stinking Provera, which is just a simple female hormone to induce a period, and I am already stressed to the max. I can't even remember to take it at the same time every day, how am I ever going to handle all the IVF drugs? Do you know that the nurses actaully told me to bring a large shopping bag or three grocery bags to my appointment in order to take all the meds and needles home?

Also, I spoke with L yesterday. It is so hard not to tell some people. I tried to hint at the ordeal, but at the same time remained vague and distant. She stated that it "really is okay if you guys just have one." Which you would think is supportive, but really it is salt on an open wound. One! Just ONE! NO!!!!! Go forth and multiply, for crying out loud it is in the bible. But really, just one. Anything with just in front of it, always needs some sort of justification later in life, anything with the word just in front of it, sounds like an issue, or better yet adds an attitude of selfishness to it. Sure, anyone can prove me wrong here, but moreover I am a wreck. I am emotional, tired, and really scared. Isn't there anyone else in this boat? Seems like we're it. Adoption first, IVF second, it just isn't the pecking order.

Christmas

I asked my son what his favorite part of Christmas is and he honestly replied, "the presents!". Should I as a parent encourage him to express his true feelings or should I correct his thinking to be more PC, Jesus, giving, charity, and hospitality? Being a Catholic women, I know to encourage the christian values, but at the same time, I ponder, Isn't it okay for him to be truthful? When do I get to admit I like the presents too? Although I do personally like the charity of the season. (PC disclaimer!)

It's Okay Really

I called the IVF nurses last week, played phone tag, and pass the buck with them and finally managed to get a set date. January 12 to February 3. One month away. We waited so long for this part to get here and waited so long to actually have an opportunity. Up until now we haven't told many, my sister, best friend, and a friend next door is it. By not having the obligation of keeping the family up to speed, we have been able to put the feelings aspect on the back burner, but now as the date is actually approaching I don't know what I feel other than, I don't like the nurses. One is rude, the other too loud, and the third talks 85 miles per hour, hopefully those opinions prove horribly wrong. So I guess I have to feel now.