I'm IN!!!

Blogger has given me a heart attack. For some reason I haven't been able to login, post or see my comments. How rude! Oh well, life goes on. 

Ironically there isn't that much to update. Health wise, I am still getting better each day. Mentally, I am a little drained but there again getting better each day. The in-laws are here and so far so good. And most importantly we are in the middle of planning our annual summer VK with J&K and baby A, (although he isn't exactly a baby anymore :) ) This year we are striving for Myrtle Beach. I am super excited about it. By far Myrtle Beach was my favorite vacation as a kid and I cannot wait to go back. Currently we are just pricing out condo's to rent for a week in July - man is it pricey. Hopefully that isn't a deal breaker. I know on my end it isn't (ha, ha) As discussed multiple times vacation is my number one spending priority. 

And that my friends is the news.

Deep Cleasing Breaths

And she's cleaning. God it feels amazing. Steam cleaned the carpets, moped and waxed the wood floors, took down all the curtains to wash, reorganized the hall closet, made up the guest room, and still had time to eat breakfast and lunch out side with my little guy. Poor thing is home sick after getting sick on a field trip yesterday, but he seems fine now - we just wanted to be on the safe side.

Up next bathrooms and the office. I'd rather scrub toilets that clean this room. Dusty, no storage, and C eats in here, it just all adds up to one mess of a room.

Doctor said I should be able to run by next week. I cannot wait. I managed a good three mile walk yesterday for the first time in forever; fantastic. Since I stopped the progesterone I have lost three of the 20 (holy crap) pounds I have gained since IVF / OHSS. I hope it all comes off that easy. 17 more to go :)

Never Ending

I know there are quite a few of my friends out there who know exactly what this is like. Knowing you are pregnant and knowing you are loosing or have lost the baby. This time around, even if I was / am just a little bit pregnant it still hurts so bad. Today's test is about the same just a fraction less. I retest of Friday. Unless the HCG level is zero I could possibly need a D&C. Last time I took drugs at home, this time I'd have to go in due to the OHSS. Unbelievably the period I just had didn't do the job or I would have tested at zero this morning. There is just this little life that once was holding on in there, in me. Broken me. I thought I was ready to hear the news, I was wrong. 

Normally I would be obsessing over cleaning every inch of every thing right about now but I am so tired. My body hurts and is sore. Every joint feels swollen and achy. When will it be out turn?

Back to Sleep

My Face Book status:

Going back to bed. You'd think after more than 30 hours of sleep over the weekend I'd be ultra chipper. I haven't slept this much since I had mono, in like 10th grade :)

So true. Saturday after the ball game I passed out until almost 6:00, got up for dinner and was back in bed by 10:30. Yesterday I napped from 11:30 to 6:00 and was fast asleep by 9:30. I did wake up early today (5:00) but had to leave by 6:00 anyway so I could get my blood drawn again. Good times. I'll get the results later today. Hopefully I'll wake up by then.

I am almost numb to the idea of that the results mean anything. The nurse through around so many what ifs that I am having trouble sorting them all out. Ectopic pregnancy, Continuing OHSS, a miracle, and so on and so forth.

Back to bed for me.

 

 

Heat Wave

Ahh Saturday. 

We stayed up watching the Sox completely rock the Cubs, it was fantastic. Towards the end I was talking up a storm just to stay awake.

This morning we headed out to a few yard sales and to C's baseball game. The game was so much fun. C got three really big hits and played well. The weather was absolutely perfect and everyone including the parents were just in the best moods. I loved it.

Off Topic: I Am Going to Hell

All this talk about Rapture has my funny bone tickled. My favorite posts this week on Facebook:

Rapture Prank: Take old clothes and place them in people formation on your neighbors lawns

and my sisters link to Rock Me Sexy Jesus - hilariously sinful.

? Part 3

My Beta is at 13 today, still bleeding - heavily... another test on Monday. Pray.Pray.Pray.

? Part 2

So how is this for a roller coaster. My test was a very low positive. My beta count was 8.3 just barely over the not pregnant count. I have to retest tomorrow and we'll see on Monday if the level goes up. But seriously, I have my period; cramps and all. My nurse said this is probably a chemical pregnancy but to stay cautiously optimistic.

If you need me before Monday I will be spoon deep in a bowl, or maybe the box, of Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream.

?

Well there still is now news on the test officially, but I got my period soooo yeah that sucks. The silver lining, we have one frozen embryo and we can try again in the summer.

Next

I have this running rant in my head about how horrible our son's dentist is, the bastard charged us 1200 + dollars for four fillings after estimating our cost was 582.00, but it is thundering and lighting so I better make it a quick post. Here are the highlights:

1. Dentist = asshole
2. Grandma = very sick, in hospice care = very sad
3. Pregnancy Beta test taken today, results tomorrow or Friday (I still think they are negative = booo)
4. S = home from Florida.

Yowza - that is a lot of lightning! GTG!

Proof of Disaster

I certainly must still have some hope that it all worked because I am freaking out over here! Today after baseball practice I let C go to the playground with the rest of his team. I was there watching as all these kids were racing between two play sets playing a rousing game of dinosaur tag. Suddenly I saw C and one of his friends run past the second play area. I ran to catch up with them and corral them back. 

IVF rule: No strenuous exercise. NO RUNNING.

I could actaully feel my ovaries bouncing around in there, after all they are still larger than normal. Then I had some major cramping. Freaking out.

S called and I was just a mess talking to him. Of course I know I am being irrational. I jogged only about 25 yards. But still the tears were flowing. I have been trying so hard to follow every rule and recommendation, even the silliest of the silliest. But an important one I just forgot about. Granted I was a mom on a mission: Safety first. 

Then there is my mother-in-law...

My mind has been going over a conversation I had with her today. As much as I tell myself she means well and only wants the best of the best for us I can't shake her words. "Well if things don't work the way you planned it is okay, you already have one and he is really a lot of work and needs all of your attention." "Some families were just meant to stay small." "It isn't like you could handle 10 or 12 kids anyway." She also added a whole slew of unhelpfulness by saying classic phrases such as, don't you just hate when people who shouldn't even have kids have them, this so isn't fair, besides you just never know what you are going to get it could be really bad, and if you barely handled the bloating from OHSS than how would you even handle being pregnant? But the OHSS could have been replaced by anything, if you can't handle X than maybe shouldn't even want to try to accomplish Y and Z. 

This year I have actaully done a good job of being a good daughter-in-law. L has actaully done a good job of being a great mother-in-law. Today I was just sensitive and had a hard time hearing things that I have heard from people over the last 12 years. I am not a bad person because I want more children. I am not a bad person because we have one very loved child. And I am sorry but I couldn't talk her through our problems without feeling overwhelmed. "No mom, it isn't fair, but that is fine. There isn't anything we can do about that aspect and it has been a lot of years for us to be okay with that." "C will always have our attention, he isn't too much work, he is a great kid and we are committed parents." "If I could have 12 kids I would in a heart beat but right now we are just trying to stay hopeful for one more." "I really can handle being pregnant, I look forward to it."

I am so teary eyed. Hormones. Err.

 And since I am just not that thrilled at the moment let me just add another rant: I lent my friend my car. She is moving to Germany in two weeks and had to ship hers. I completely offered more than once and wanted to help out. Yesterday I went out of my way to bring the car to her in DC. I wanted to go. Today she calls me to ask a question about the heated seats- she couldn't find the switch and was pretty much burning her biscuits. (I found that kind of funny) Then she proceeds to tell me that it is a good car but probably needs some shocks. It isn't really a secret, the car is 12 years old, I bought it really cheap and it only has to last us until the end of this year, but it is dependable and I had it serviced a few weeks ago knowing I was going to lend it out. I want my friend to use it, I want to help her. But can I just add that it just erks me when you lend something to someone and they point out the faults.  

Once I lent this guy I worked with my old Jetta and he came back and said that my clutch was going. I was like "really, it wasn't this morning." Jackass. Another time I let a friend use my carpet cleaner and she called to tell me that the filter was sort of smelly. Annoying - plus she returned it full of cat hair! Another time, many moons ago, we lent a friend our lawn mower and he returned it saying that it cut to low and kept kicking up rocks. Nothing wrong with the mower dude, adjust the level by using the lever next to the wheel, or better yet return it with a broken blade like you did.

If I could think of more wounds to open and add salt too I would continue. As stated earlier: Hormones. Err.

Comfort Food

Thank you to all who commented and emailed me! I know that no matter how things turn out; I'm OK. Weak moment I suppose. I am still not convinced but am more hopeful. For now I am going to try not to think about it and just take it easy. C and I dropped S off at the airport this morning (Florida this week) so there should be no problem vegging out and ignoring reality for a few more days. :) Also, I plan on going to the market today and purchasing vast amounts of chocolate peanut butter ice cream. Randomly yesterday after having two lunches I vowed to eat only salad today - it is 7:42am and that is so out the window! hee, hee.

Nonmotivational Speaking

I don't think IVF worked. Last time I remember feeling all these symptoms like twinges and weird stretches, this time I am fine. Although I am tired, but that could be anything and everything. Honestly I am in sort of a funk about it. Not all depressed and weepy, granted if my hunch is right I will be there soon, but just in a crabby mood. I suppose by now a home test would work, my blood test is Wednesday, but I just don't feel like being on the fast track to deep dark black hole depression. It could happen. Furthermore we still haven't found out if we have any embryos that were frozen and this is causing me stress. Do I morn them now or later or all at once or one at a time?  

Motivational Speaking

I am so tired this afternoon. Oh well, no complaints, after all I do feel better. The pressure has almost completely stopped and my stomach has gone down some; a few days ago I couldn't even zip my sweatshirt up over my belly! I swear I looked 6 months pregnant. So now I am focused more on that little embryo inside me. Stick, stick, stick!

This morning I toured my own blog. Having tried all this two years ago pretty much to the month was heart wrenching but to go back and read the things I deemed important enough to mention then didn't actaully leave me with sadness. Sure I wish after that little embryo stuck it actaully stayed stuck and grew but it didn't. And it is sad, but I can handle that one now. Granted I logged a lot of hours on the little red couch at the therapists office in order to do so. However looking back I felt stronger, and more confident, still goofy and mentioning fart jokes; and boy were the visit to the IVF clinic funny - I'd actaully forgotten most of it. But I got through it and now I am finding a lot of the feelings, both physical and emotional, are par for the course even with the added stress of OHSS. I am OK.

Stick, stick, stick, grow, grow, grow. Please, Please, Please. Amen.

One

Well; transfer happened. After multitudes of testing and consults the doctors were certain that if we transfer one embryo my body could handle it. Basically I was diagnosed with OHSS but luckily was missing the number one IVF killer which is fluid build up. All the doctors and nurses were so surprised, and us too. I suppose this is all cryptic for those non-IVFers out there; or even me a few years from now. So here is a basic rundown

• 3 days after retrieval surgery I started to feel very bad
• My clothes started to not fit; I couldn't zip one pair of jeans and the 'fat' pants I bought specifically for IVF which were just yoga pants a size up didn't fit either!
• I felt so much pressure between my ribs and pelvis that I thought I was just constipated from the pain killers
• I stopped taking the pain killers but after the constipation deal ended the pain still continued
• I was basically in a fetal position and unable to move
• We called the Emergency number and they told us to get there ASAP, we went (hence previous post)
• I didn't get much better and was in so much pain; feeling bloated and unable to eat or drink anything
• The next day we went back to the hospital. I puked all the way there. Seriously - it was nasty. My poor husbands car; luckily I hadn't eaten food in a long time. I know - way too much info
• When we got the to the hospital they sent me for labs and told me to try to eat and drink 
• After almost six hours of waiting and testing the doctors determined that I have Ovarian Hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) and that my ovaries are in fact the size of grapefruits
• The doctors determined that my body reacted to the HCG shot but because I didn't have the fluid build up I could still do the transfer
• They cautioned us to only use on embryo because if we transferred two and they both implanted I could get really sick and we would loose both; it didn't take much convincing for us to use only one

So here I am on day two of bed rest out of three; I am sick, really sick. Nausea and pressure are keeping me from doing much. Thank GOD my mother is here. She is doing all the laundry, she cleaned the bathroom, and had even made dinner every night since she's been here. Well, my time limit is up; sitting upright isn't much of an option for very long. Thanks to all for all the prayers :) They WORKED.

Not Funny

Off this morning to an emergency visit to the IVF ward at Walter Reed. In the end it ended up being swollen ovaries that we causing the majority of the pain. While doing an ultrasound the doctor noted "Whoa, your ovaries are like 10 times the size they should be." Another doctor noted during a second ultrasound that my full bladder was the same size as my left ovary. Yowzaa.

So as it stands right now, I was given more shots, this time blood thinners, and told to drink my weight in Gatorade. Transfer is tomorrow, but most likely we will be told to freeze our embryos (if they last) and return in a few months. 

I am sort of bummed out but honestly not that upset; better to be healthy and feeling good. Although sitting upright at the moment is a VAST improvement. Prayers for me.

A Numbers Game

Well our numbers looked great this morning. 1 grade one embryo and 10 grade 2's. So now we wait a few more days and hope for a blast or two to transfer on day 5. Thank goodness. Honestly there is no way I could have survived transfer this morning. (we had to go into the hospital to find out this information) The Percocet is doing a number on me. Pay attention to number one:

Side Effects:

Constipation; dizziness; drowsiness; flushing; lightheaded; mental/mood changes; nausea; vision changes; vomiting

I suppose that would be number two. Again hysterically laughing at my own jokes. Why is it I make so many fart, poop, and belching references? Perhaps I am really a boy inside? Yeah - no. No worries there. Perhaps it just isn't allowed in society so I over compensate. Yeah - no, I said Who-ha in Wal-Mart the other day. No worries there. Perhaps it is because it is just really funny, in that crude red neck sort of way. Yup, like school in the summer time. No Class. Also, if you just look at my sister M and say poop with no context what so ever she is sure to spit out whatever liquid she is consuming at the time. C and I do it to her all the time. It - Just - Funny.

La La Land

So I have more or less been out of it for the past few days. I had retrieval surgery a few days ago and it went well. We ended up with 24 eggs, 14 of which fertilized. We are very lucky and this time I actaully feel that way. Tomorrow we have a scheduled transfer but if we still have 8 or more embryos we'll probably wait until they are 5 days old to get the strongest ones. If there are less than 8 we transfer tomorrow and grow the rest to day six to see if any of them can be frozen. So, here we have it the IVF scoop . 

In  other non- related news that will somehow end up related: yesterday I was feeling well so M and I ran over to Walmart - yes I realize I have no love for the place - anyway we had a few things to pick up, including my birthday present (I saved some $ my mommy and aunt sent), a blu-ray wireless DVD player. Today we have to go back out to get the right cable for it (figures - LOL). So, then we head over to the gas station to fill up and this very nice man whom reminded me of my dad starts telling M that one of our tires are low. Since it is my car I get out to take a look and sure enough it is really low. So after some chit chat and 45 dollars for 12 gallons of gas we head over to Sears and have the tire checked out. It had a nail in it. Oddly I think that nail has been there since November. I just kept putting more air in the tire. 

All of this might not be all that riveting. Well, alright, it isn't at all entertaining. Here are the moreentertaining parts: tidbits for posterity: while looking for pantyliners in the store I tell M, honestly and openly as if there is no one else around; "The medicine that goes up my "Who-Ha" is leaking. " She laughed out loud at the word "Who-ha" and an old lady looked at me as if lightening was going to strike me down. Secondly, while in JC Penny the mechanic looking at my car called and asked if there was a trick to opening my door. I replied "yeah, unlock it". What a moron. He continues to tell me that the key tag won't open the door (dead battery) and the electric locks won't work ..... DIP SHIT! If they don't work manually unlock the doors. The lady in line behind me was so cute and funny she says "boy and they are suppose to be the stronger sex". As long as I am not using words like "Who-ha" old ladies generally love me. We continued to have a rather fun conversation about the pitfalls of men.

TRIGGER ME

So this is the day, the ones IVFers look forward to, or dread the most. It is the biggest shot, the big daddy or mama is you prefer, it is that actual, not proverbial, shot in the ass. Good times, actaully if memory recalls it wasn't too bad. This HCG shot makes you get ready to release the eggs but just before they ready to go (about a day and a half later) you go into surgery for the retrieval surgery. The next few steps just including waiting and hearing about how those little embryos are growing until it is time to stick them back in (transfer) for us it will probably be Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday. It is kind of exciting to get towards the end of the shots and to hear how many embryos we will have. I'd use the term cautiously optimistic, but that almost feels negative, I'll stick with excited to see what life brings me next.

In other non-IVF news: M got here yesterday, super awesome! It was so nice to have her go with me to today appointment, and to see her try to suppress a laugh and series of "OH MY GOD" gasps when she saw the magic probing wand. (I know I said non-IVF news - all consuming people, all consuming :) )

Also, In Barnes and Noble this morning I fell on a toilet seat, completely crashed down on to my left cheek. Apparently the store is Little People friendly and I just didn't realize how low that commode actaully was and the next thing I know I yell "Oh Crap" ... in the bathroom - in a public bathroom -and I wasn't the only one in there. The irony of choosing crap as my expletive cracks me up. Yup, I am the chick that laughs at her own jokes.

US/BW

Ultrasound and Bloodwork this morning. I had a really nice doctor, not that my other one isn't nice, he certainly is the best - but the weekender wasn't half bad. Things are looking good. 20+ eggs all measuring between 12 and 19. Honestly, I don't even really understand all that - I figure if I did it would just be something else to stress over. So I asked the doc if everything is on track and he said "text book". Love it!

Peppy

Peppy plagued me last night. I tossed and turned wondering if the whole cycle would be jinxed. So unrealistic; I know. 

So I hit the blogs for inspiration, I've been blog hopping and found hundreds of others telling their stories too. It is rather amazing to me that we are not alone. It is also a God send to read about other people's feelings about the mundane and they travel this road, because your feelings about things really do change. Although it is a little strange to see a stranger's personal thoughts - I figure if I could help someone feel that they are not alone by reading my ramblings than I'd want that - so maybe we are all in the same boat. Anyway about the mundane:

One fellow blogger wrote about a pair of high heels that were absolutely to die for - she even provided a pictures, my point, even buying a pair of heels had something to do with the whole infertility road. On anyone's blog about any little thing we are all either saying what we are doing to make it work or throwing caution to the wind and living a little and we've all done all that all in the same day. The whole thing consumes us.

Huh, I am now enlightened and slightly inspired. Feeling better about Peppy. Although I know she has a monitoring appointment tomorrow - her and I are on the same day ... she'll be my buddy again tomorrow - Oh Lord help me, I sure attract them.

Keeping Positive, to the Extreme

Holy Crapolla. (Yes I understand that Crapolla isn't actaully a word)

This morning I sat in the IVF clinic with about 35 other women waiting to have our ultrasounds and blood work, since these appointments are first come first serve everyone get's there wicked early and then waits around so they can be the first ones in line. I have a different theory in round 3, go as late as possible and wait the shortest amount of time. It is working like a charm. Anyway back to the 35 and waiting, I pick up my number (not too unlike the deli counter) and address the crowd "Can anyone act as my sponsor, or does anyone else need one?" You always have to have an extra person with you and S couldn't make this one. So a young girl volunteers and we buddy up. She is super sweet and is the first positive person I've met this time. After our labs we head back to the exam rooms and have the wonderful magic wands do their magic. (On a side note, I had 23 eggs today that the doc could see - that is pretty good, and my E2 which was too high the other night is now stable) Then both of us meet with the doc -separately - and are told to proceed to pre-op.

Pre-op is a joke. You get your vitals taken, verify your address and religion, tell the head nurse you don't have any allergies to Latex, and then tell the Anesthesiologist all the same crap. But I digress, Pre-op at Walter Reed takes 2-3 hours. Seriously. So were back in another waiting room with about half of the women from the first one. And my peppy little sidekick pulls out her knitting bag and proceeds to knit a baby blanket. No kidding. She also manages to squeeze into our conversation that her husband is away right now, me and another lady both acknowlege that it is tough to go "it" alone, but peepy just smiles and says well, the baby will probably be due such and such a date so it is better if he is here for the birth. Me and 17.5 other women gasped.

It is like a groom seeing the bride before the wedding, counting your eggs before they surgically hatch them and shove them back in, Stepping on a crack and breaking God knows what.

A baby blanket, really.

Antisocial Mommy?

So there is one little boy in the neighborhood that sort of bugs me. Sort of is actaully a pretty light description. The problem isn't exactly the young man, just that he is always outside and rings the bell like clock work. And God forbid if C says he doesn't want to play, then the doorbell rings every ten minutes. To top it off the child's English is garbled at best. If I tell him something, anything he just babbles away. Anyway, normally we invite anyone and everyone into our home, but for some reason I have neglected to invite this little one in. This afternoon is the first time ever that he has been inside. (Please note he is 5 and rode his bike here with no helmet and didn't ask his mom if he could come in. - Justification for my antisocial behavior -probably) To my surprise the boys are playing nicely and seem very content. 

Last year around this time I had a lot of trouble with some other neighborhood kids always being here and not listening. This year I have really tightened up the ship. If kids are misbehaving I let them know and ask for them to change their behavior as nice as possible. If they keep it up I send them home, one time I asked a little girl age 10,  "A would you do that if your mother was here?" She turned a bright shade of pink and said "gotcha". It was actaully kind of cute. But now the group is all a little older and seem to play great together for the most part which is so nice. But this year we also have a newbie to the group, the little guy.

TMI

Funny but true TMI incidents in the last 24 hours:

1. While getting ready for bed last night and taking off my bra, a piece of popcorn fell out. It had been hours since I ate.
2. While in the bath last night thunder rocked the house at the same moment I farted. The water shook...
3. I had a dream last night that I having fantastic sex and then all of the sudden I was saying "wait, I can't do this without Cotton Candy". This I ask you: Who is Cotton Candy? Or better yet, What the heck did I plan on doing with Cotton Candy candy?
4. This morning while getting dressed I thought about the dream and started to laugh, thus picking out a pair of pink panties to wear. 
5. I noticed while putting on said panties, that they were too small. Errr, IVF. Thank goodness Cotton stretches. 
6. And on a more random note, I just downloaded Sarah Palin's Book. God only knows why. I actaully don't care for the lady, but there is something sort of intriguing there. Like is she really that dumb? I sure hope that is just a media representation. 

Introducing The Real Slim Shady

This morning I had an IVF monitoring appointment. I arrived without incident and took a seat in the waiting room. When an extra seat opened up I switched over because the one I was in had a wayward spring that was being a little to friendly with my ass. OUCH. Anyway when I moved, I got talking with another patient and was so surprised at how negative and stressed out she was. Then I realized, she is me; or better yet, I was her. I offered as much encouragement and support as I could in the hour I spent with her but upon leaving I felt so drained and really sorry for her. Not me ... her. I don't feel sorry for me. Imagine that!

And now I get something a friend said to me a few years back. She explained that when she was going through the process she got to a point where she was more or less freed and felt that if it will happen; it will happen. She joked about giving herself shots in a restaurant while her and her husband drank margaritas with another IVF couple. At the time I remember thinking "really, I cannot do that, this has to work NOW!" although I think it came out something like "I am trying to relax" or something equally as phony. Thank God she is still my friend.

Whole Again

I am such a dork. Seriously, I really missed my blog. Facebook, I joked caused withdraw symptoms, but was actaully easy, the blog not so much. For a few day I was emailing myself posts and then I realized that wasn't helping me. Just finding a loop hole in which turned my personal "sacrifice" into a personal pain in the ass wasn't my intention. The problem with emails was the negative attitude that was attached and since my goal was to find a positive mindset it was painfully obvious that the entire idea of saving posts for later was completely self sabotaging. All that being said; I missed my cynical self ... sort of.

My Lenten promise really did work. I found all these great tools for relaxing and staying in a positive mindset. The self help section of the library became a regular stop in my weekly visits. I read books upon books of finding calm in chaos. I dove into multiple books on the success boosters of IVF and dealing the hard part of infertility and the joys. Round 3 is going to be so much better.

Here are a few little tidbits I didn't even know about myself. I cry for happy stuff but hardly ever for sad. When things are tough I make a list and stick to it, not looking up, left or right until I am at the end. I don't really deal with the issue on an emotional level; instead I clean, I blog about hating Walmart, or update myself on TV that I've already watched. Until I began making an effort to learn a better way of handling the tough stuff I had no idea how clueless I really was.

Case in point: We've been through IVF Two different times so far (we're on round 3 now) and I had  NEVER read one pamphlet, book, email, blog, or medical handout about it. I am good with the medical part of it, I know what it is and how it works and from there I just figured it is what it is and just trudged through process like a robot, only doing what the nurses and doctors said. I had one really good friend going through it too and we did talk to each other about it, I had a few other friends that knew, but that was it. We kept it to ourselves and just hoped and prayed. Basically I isolated myself not necessarily from all people but also from the information that was available; the idea that there are hundreds of thousands if not millions of woman who have been there and know.

This time is different. It is more stressful; life is just generally more hectic; but I am okay with. Over all I think I lost the HUGE chip on my shoulder that was IVF. Looking back it seems like I was on that path but by making time and effort to circumvent the negativity I made huge strides.

Cynical self: That's hope it stays that way :)

HE HAS RISEN!

And so has the blog... :) Happy Easter.

40 Days & 40 Nights

It is the eve of the event. The crucial moment in time when I give up social networking for an extended amount of time. Currently, I am wondering why I would deprive myself this way. I am questioning weather I should post some babbling brook of useless information about upcoming events, random thoughts, open letters (I actaully have a few floating around in my brain), or just keep it simple.

My commitment is to abstain from social networking in order to fill my brain with more positivity. There really isn't anything else to it. In the up coming weeks we will be starting IVF, going on a small VK to the beach, saying goodbye to some dear friends who are moving, S will be testing for Master Sgt., C will be starting gymnastics again and going to spring break camp, and I ... will be fighting the urge to post up to the minute status feeds. 

Alas, there is no use in delaying the inevitable.

Can I Just Tell You?

I so love my new job. I keep hoping that the honeymoon phase lasts and lasts! I have worked two days so far and have enjoyed it very much. Starting Saturday I will be working just every other weekend in the mornings and I am so excited about it. Can I just tell you: This is the first job I have had in over a decade that is actaully clean and comfortable and nice and where the 'man' actually wants you to do well and gives you all the tools to do so.

Classic Jamie

As proof that I am a flake:

1. I thought that Lent started today. It starts next week.
2. I managed to take a double dose of my Migraine medicine last night. I had to call the MD this morning and ask what to do about it. MORON. Yeah - me not the doc :)
3. While walking the dog this morning I didn't realize I was belting out a rousing version of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover until I passed some construction workers (putting up signs in my neighborhood - joy) and realized in order to say good morning I needed to stop screaming the song currently playing on my MP3 player.
4. My sister gave me a new MP3 player for Christmas - I managed to screw it up, the songs are on there but the it will only play 4 out of 134. My former MP3 player was zapped by lightning - hasn't been the same since - the one before that I found in the bottom of a box recently, I am afraid to update it for obvious reasons.
5. At my first day of work yesterday, during orientation I asked, after be told the policy, "Do I need to have a drug test?" To which the response was no and I replied "Oh Good." MORON! Then I back peddled and said, "I mean it isn't problem, just good that ..." and thank God the HR rep had compassion and filled in the blank by adding something about not having to jump through hoops before I actaully start working on site. 

Just a Few Thoughts

We have been talking a lot lately about our future. 2011-2012 is sure to be a test. S's contract is up in one year and orders can come anytime. He works with a few individuals who are in the same boat only ahead of him a few months -  they haven't yet got orders - so he has somewhat of a gauge. Furthermore our lease is up in August and we are trying to have a baby. However one ball that had been flying around our juggling arena has dropped - I was notified today that I was not selected for the government job I had interviewed for 5 months ago. They sure waited a long time to say "no thanks". This isn't great news but really I am more relieved than anything,  now at least S can look for a better assignment without as he says "pigeon holing" himself to this area. So we are open for anything. Plus I am really happy about working at the new hospital. I start on Tuesday. :D

In other news: I won't be blogging much in the up coming weeks. I have opted to give up social  internet media for Lent. And yes that would include Facebook. I wonder if I will find I have more free time or just fill it up with other nonsense. LOL - a true experiment. You know because if I am not stalking my friends every thoughts what will I do with my time? Ha, ha.

The Big Day

Tax refund came through at Midnight! We can pay today. I cannot believe how much money we were able to come up with without borrowing a cent. God is good. A friend of mine even made a comment earlier that that sure is a lot of money needed in a short time but she'd be praying for us. Amazing. There is just no way we did that on our own! We actaully came up with more and are able to put a little money back into our VK / Emergency fund.

In other TMI / IVF news; they have me on birth control and my body hates it! My period has lasted 9 days so far and there is no 'end' in sight. The same thing happened last time. I remembered that after a week of normal things got stringy and spotty - no exactly pad worthy, just pantyliner sort of stuff. (I said TMI) Anyway, on a hunch I went through my medicine cabinet, I thought there might be an old pack of pills in there from my last IVF cycle but I didn't think it was the same because the pack was different. Sure enough though on the top shelf in the back was a little white pack, the new ones are in a pink pack, and they are the same brand. I am going to have to call the nurses and get a different brand. I am worried. Last time this all ended only days before the egg transfer and started up again afterwords, and that was bad - really bad.

IVF Updates

I spoke with Nicole at the IVF office yesterday. She gave me some great news; the cycle has been extended and working around S's two week TDY is possible! We were so worried, the dates originally over lapped. The next hurtle in the timing is my new job. 

It occurs to me that I haven't really blogged about the job. Last week I got a call from a different fertility clinic (how ironic!) offering me the part time job I had interviewed and volunteered for a few weeks back. I start training next week! I am very excited. But with all the excitement comes the realization that making the new job line up with my 'active' patient status as an IVF participant at a different hospital might be a problem. The issues: I cannot miss work as it is only every other weekend and the hours are the same as my IVF clinic are open. and I cannot miss IVF appointments. So my hope is that I will be able to schedule around my job. I think that if I simply explain my situation to my doctors they will do what they can to help. If the dates are set in stone I am sure I can talk with the office manager at the new job - again the irony.

Today I am going to my local bank and cashing out the account. Later this week our tax return is due. Earlier in the week I transferred money from our VK / Emergency account. Hopefully by weeks end I can add all the funds together and pay the impending $6018.00 bill. As noted before after seeing what non-military pays after my volunteer hours I am happy to pay!

True Love

A conversation between C and I

Me: "C, what do you think if mommy and daddy try to have baby?"

after a slight pause

C: "Good and bad, I mean I don't want you to be in pain when a doctor cuts a baby out of you, but man would I be an awesome big brother."

He went on to tell me all the things he could teach a brother or sister and the time table each talent would take. (this kid sure can talk!) Eventually I had to end the conversation and just tell him that dad and I were thinking about it and his opinion was important to me. He then reiterated the fact that he would be awesome brother because he has so many talents. Ahh, our son, he isn't short in the self confidence department!

Real Life

We had a fun family weekend. Poor S was so sick, yet he just kept surprising us with how willing he was to push through it and join us for family fun. We all went to a cub scouts meeting / tour on Friday night, and instead of leaving S at home to recover we went to the play on Saturday instead - that way we all could go. It was so cute - the high-schoolers did a great job and C just loved it. The Magician was played by a very talented young man and it just made the show. We all managed to have full days filled with happy times.

Yesterday the three of us managed to do a little shopping, play outside for quite awhile; tossing an old football around, and play a few rounds of Rock Band together. It was quite a nice day, filled with family time and plenty of non-media downtime. I've been on a tyrant about that over the past few days. Somehow my rule, of one  free hour of TV or Video games for C a day has become an hour before school and an hour after plus! Needless to say I was a stickler yesterday and it really paid off. We were able to enjoy each other and have fun. Granted Rock Band is media - but I figured it was activity based and all of us could play at the same time. C did the drums at first but then totally rocked the microphone. He is a good singer in general but what really surprised me was his ability to read the lyrics! I was so excited for him.

I love our little family. Skunky dog and all. Sometimes, just sometimes I wonder if it does so happen that it stays just us if that is okay, because when things are good - they are just so good, I can't imagine anything topping it.

It Appears

Facebook is annoying. I am actually on it less and less these days as I move past the "I want to know what you are doing every minute of everyday" phase. As I say less and less, know that means I am down to a few times a day. I changed it from my home page and permanently logged out so that every time I visit the site I have to relog my user name and password - it is actually a pain to type my email and an eight letter password - SO LAZY! Regardless, as I was saying it is annoying. I almost feel like I have nothing to talk about because it is all on Facebook. To call up and ask a friend "how are you?" seems like a farce - I already know the answer - either life sucks and they're just trying to get through the day or life is so good they must post that they are in day X of potty training their youngest and so and so it in big girl panties with only one "boo-boo". Yeah - really it's been posted.  Furthermore it is a narcissistic endeavour that preys upon my love of myself and the need to be 'liked' or commented upon. Yup, apparently I am that lame. Case in point my post today (in short) " Cub scouts, a play, and M is coming to visit -yeah!" translation, I am the best mom ever and everyone who is anyone comes to visit me!

It appears that I am that ridiculous. My next post if I should grace the others with the fortune of friending me "I am sooooo important". And where does this all come from? A realization, an epiphany, an A-ha moment? Nope - just self loathing at its best. Keeps me grounded right? Not really. I suppose a blog offers the most narcissism. After all I can post openly to the whole world - and the whole world can comment  -or not. 

I wonder what 'ol Jesus would think of all this. Do you think in ancient times he spent his days knowing that the internet would consume so much of my time? Probably, after all he knew how many hairs would be on my head before I was born. 

I wonder what would happen if I didn't browse blogs and Face book for awhile? What if I just checked my email in the afternoon for bill and job info? Hmmm, Lent is coming up. What if I didn't post for 40 days and 40 nights? Just responsibility/ obligatory web use - bills and directions? A media nix? A total famine of www and http? Apparently I am having my epiphany now. A-HA! 

TGIF

WOW, what a week. Up and down and all around. The three of us were fighting off colds. I got it the least, with just a few aches and pains, C just had a cough, And S got all the symptoms and has pretty much gone straight to bed when he's gotten home from work for the past few days. Poor guy. Sickness on top of headaches, a messier than normal house,the dog getting sprayed by a skunk, AGAIN, IVF drama and the everyday stresses of our lives have rendered this week, one we will leave out of the history books.

Despite the prelude our spirits are high. Tonight C's cub scout den is having a tour of the local police station and we are planning on going to see the play Alladin after that as a family. So the weekend is looking promising. 

Also, I have been avoiding the fact that I have gained 12 pounds since I started taking the Thyroid medicine. At first my Thyroid was too high at 3.8 and now it is almost too low at .7; but the normal range is .7-3.76, my body loves medicine - no kidding, it loves it too much. Especially altering drugs; like hormones, steroids, or anything meant to change your normal body process. Anyway, I complained to the IVF nurse and she agreed to retest me and talk with the MD about switching my dose. However, this is delaying IVF even more. Furthermore, this week I laid off the carbs and lost a few pounds of that 12, but seriously, I can't live without them forever! So unfair. However, I just keep thinking we are getting delayed for the right reasons and the better overall health I am in the better, so I am not angry or anything, just a little bummed out that I am the reason we aren't moving forward with IVF as quickly as we'd like.

No Thank You

I had another whopper of a headache. It was so bad that S was begging me to let him take me to the ER. Sadly I refused. I made a follow up with my PA instead and just got back from that visit. She switched out the meds she gave me and referred me to a neurologist. She said it just doesn't sound like a migraine. And I posed the question "well, to me it seems that I hear and see a lot of people claiming to have a migraine, but they are functioning. I cannot even blink or open a door without excruciating pain, so does this mean that the "other people" cope better, aren't having migraines, or am I not actaully suffering from a migraine but something else?" Her answer, "well hopefully the specialist can help - it is their job."

Happy Heart

Yesterday C, S and I went out to Dinner for Valentines day. We didn't go anywhere fancy, just Ruby Tuesdays, but I tell you, it was so nice. The boys gave me flowers and a necklace, so sweet. Then at dinner C had to sneak under the table because he dropped something and when he was getting back up he sat with me instead of S. S says "oh, buddy, why don't you come back over here to our side?" and C says "Nah, that is okay, I like sitting next to a pretty girl."

My family makes my heart sing.

SPRING!

It is so wonderful outside. I walked the dog just under three miles this morning and only wore a sweatshirt! It is glorious. Granted it is also soggy, muddy, and dirty out, but who cares; just a week ago I was bundled in my wool coat with a scarf, hat, gloves, boots, and layers of clothing. It is suppose to be very windy later today and tomorrow and then these 50 + temps are suppose to hang around for a few. Just what I needed in order to stay positive and out of my funk.

Thankful

Yesterday I finished our taxes. Amazingly enough it wasn't too bad. The best part is we are getting a larger refund than expected. So much larger that we are going to use it for IVF instead of borrowing from our retirement account. We've managed to save quite a bit in cash and with the refund it looks like we will only need about 500 more. So we are pretty thrilled in that department. Plus after working in the clinic yesterday (a fertility clinic) and seeing what non military pay I feel pretty lucky and blessed!

In other news; I had a migraine earlier today. Horrible. So bad that I almost ended up in the ER. Fortunately I was able to double the migraine meds and take Excedrin at the same time. Eventually I was able to move without constant pounding, it got a little better after that and I was able to sit up and if I stayed still the pounding subsided. Now it has been a few hours of TV and Internet and I am fine. I am not sure how people function with those headaches - I know there is no way I could even blink without excruciating pain. Hopefully it doesn't come back as strong, otherwise it is off to the ER - no hesitation.

Despite the migraine the weekend has been nice - no weekender, as in the past two! Plus we've had a lot of family time. Last night we had a fire and watched the newest Veggie Tales movie, super cute. We also went to the mall for awhile and managed to play a few games. It really has been an enjoyable weekend overall.

Movin' On Up

Yeah me. I had a great morning. I went to the hospital / clinic to do the shadowing / interview and it went wonderfully. The Office Manager said I seemed to be a "great fit" but to be aware that HR moves slowly and it might take awhile to get a start date. Sooooo, does that mean I am hired? I am still not too sure - but it sounds like it. The job is part time, every other weekend, and is scheduling and insurance payments for a clinic. How great is that? The best part - it is the weekend and the phones are turned off :)

On Another Note

So, I posted last week about the interview and all. But what I didn't feel like mentioning was that they never called or emailed me back about the "shadow day". I was pretty bummed out thinking that I didn't get to the next step of job interview after all. But today I got an email asking if I could join them on Sunday. So I suppose there is still hope. Good News.

65, 67, or 72: What's the Age?

The other day I was checking our bank account when a side panel poll caught my interest. It asked where is better to retire, Wisconsin, Texas or a few others. I would think Wisconsin would be better - blue skies, green grass, tall trees. Anyway after clicking my choice a little box popped up that said Waco, TX was the first choice amongst USAA customers. Hmm, well since USAA is a bank based in Texas, I think the poll is a little biased. 

A long time ago, I received one of those emails where you answer all the questions and then forward it on and hope to get it back filled out with your friends answers. I guess that trend has passed - lol. Anyway one of the questions was "Where do you want to retire?" and the popular answers going around were Florida, California, and some place tropical. My favorite one however was when a friend responded HEAVEN! I have copied that answer plenty of times since then :D

Lately S and I have been wondering what we need to do in order to retire. (here on earth that is) We have decided to borrow money from one of our retirement accounts to pay for IVF. We can borrow at 2.5%. That is so low that our payments would be less than we already contribute per month. So our monthly contribution would just be lowered by the payment amount. We have all the paper work filled out and ready to mail, however we are holding on to it until it is really needed. Also, we can change the amount anytime - already we have twelve hundred or so to put towards it, and every dollar we can come up with in cash before the deadline will lower the amount borrowed. So naturally all the loan talk and savings has us revisiting our retirement plan.

As it stands we hope be be fully retired by age 65. Of course earlier would be better - LOL. Anyway we have 6% going to a pretax account, 5% after tax going to IRA's, and about 6% going into liquid savings. Obviously we don't meet the 20% recommendation but we did start in our twenties, so the money is starting to add up. Our original goal was to raise the risk in our pretax account and our contributions in increments. This year we had hoped to bump that up to 10%. Now I am not sure. I think less needs to go to liquid savings. We need to establish a better emergency fund and stop using it for vacations (ha, ha). I don't know, it is confusing. Especially since we are currently trying to fund something thirty years down the road and on one income. 

Pity Party Canceled

So, I have generally been in a bad mood (on and off) for a solid week. What the heck is wrong with me? Well, the laundry list could continue but quite frankly I am tired of hearing myself bitch. Life is complicated and I have chosen to be upset about the smallest details and pitfalls so I don't have to deal with big picture sort of stuff. WHO ME? YEAH, I DO THAT. Shocking isn't it?

Things to be in a better mood about:

• Yesterday C and I went to Chuck-E-Cheese, just because, it wasn't crowded and we had left over tokens from last time we were there so it didn't cost us a thing. We both rocked at ski-ball
• Last night the whole family piled into our bed to watch Jeapardy and Wheel of Fortune, half way through Jeopardy we gave up because our physco dog wanted to play and kept jumping up and jumping down and barking at us, we were are laughing and joking that daddy should have been wearing some protective gear. Poor guy. 
• This morning I played with Maggie out side while I talked to my mom. I love my mom.
• Today I am going to do some shopping for the house and refrigerator. MEATLOAF FOR DINNER! YUMMO!
• I am laughing at myself about the excitement over meatloaf. 
• My soap has gotten even crazier and I cannot wait to watch yesterday's episode. Last week was PHENOM! LOL. Seriously, they "made" a twin out of a bad guy and swapped him with the good guy.
• I have NO Dirty Laundry and nothing on my "I should really was that" list. All the comforters, all the sheets, all the TV blankets, all the curtains - they are all clean :)
• I have NO dishes to do, none in the sink, none in the dishwasher - everything is clean and put away.
• C requested a 'just us day' after school. He has instructed me to be ready for serious Lego action. I can't wait.

The Finer Things

C: "Mom can I PLAHEEEES stay up late to watch the new Power Rangers? You know I have been waiting for that to come on."

Me: "Alright, teeth brushed, hair combed, faced washed and you can watch it in my room, I'll watch too."

C: "I knew you'd let me! YES!"

C @ 8:00: "Mom my teeth are brushed and everything- I am ready for my show."

Me: "Awesome, lets snuggle up and get our Power Ranger on."

C: "Really mom?"

C: @ 8:10: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I Quit

I am so disgusted. The thing is, once you get that way it is hard for anyone to do anything right in your eyes. I tell you, my family is on my list. This morning, as always S gets up five minutes before he has to leave. C and I had already been up for forty five minutes and had breakfast. Annoying. Then my dear son, scribbles his art homework and rushes through the timed reading. When he was done I said in my cheeriest mom voice "You were so quick, that is great because now you have time to add details to your art." Needless to say he started to scribble over the whole page. I just walked away. I am so angry with his lack of effort. For crying out loud it is art. He doesn't have a flipping learning disability in drawing squares and triangles. I however have a serious lack of understanding and compassion this morning.

I am tired of getting up at six only to have to entertain until 8:20. It is two hours and twenty minutes of Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! As it is we save part of his homework for the AM just to take up some time and get him in school mode. But honestly I am pretty sure that isn't working anymore.

We went to a Super Bowl party last night. Near half time I mentioned to S that if he'd like to stay for the whole game he could take C and I home at half time. Originally we planned on only staying until nine o'clock. S jumped on the chance, but he was a jerk about it, rushing us out the door, driving too fast all the way home. On the drive I was trying to give him directions back to our friends house and he was just so darn stubborn about it. His attitude completely ruined my evening. When he got back later after the game he was nice and all, but geez he really was such a jerk earlier. I hate feeling that way about my husband. But after a while it just gets so hard to let all that little stuff go. I have tried to talk to him about this but his response is always to point out where I go wrong too. It isn't a game of tit for tat! Besides that, I don't really want to play anymore. All weekend when ever he insulted me or acted self righteous I just shut down, not saying a word - sometimes leaving the room.

Currently C is in the kitchen smashing Lego's on the floor and running around the house like a maniac. I haven't said much since the art moment. I am thankful for the twenty minutes off but ... 

I am generally happy to be up in the morning, hard to believe with this rant, I know. I suppose I should just move on. It isn't like my husband is going to change or my son is going to magically love school. I love them and appreciate them. Currently I am just disgusted with them, let it not go unsaid that this translates into self loathing on my end. After all some people would kill for what I have.

In Which I Contemplate Alcohol

The weekender happened again. What the heck? I am so not use to this crap and seriously cannot handle it. It seems petty once I reconstruct it all in my brain, but at the time it sure hurts. So much so that I took a five hour nap on Saturday. So much so that I went out to put gas in the car today and returned three hours later. I feel like crap. I don't know if I am getting sick, am sick, or just fed up.

The good note of the weekend. I finished my sister's book. She wrote this one over two years ago but she's rewritten it and I swear it is a best seller. Biased? Of course. But I am still amazed that my little sister can do that. Anyway the book is completely different. Names and faces are about the only thing that remained the same. Well, that and the main story line. But even that is different. This has to be it. Her big break. The book that makes her the published author she's always wanted to be.

Sad Face

I miss my friends.

It is not even nine o'clock in the morning, the house is clean, yesterday's laundry is in the washer, the breakfast dishes are done and put away, C and all the neighborhood kids are off to school, the dog hasn't even gotten up yet, and I wish I had a friend to have a cup of coffee with.

Although I do have an amazing book to keep me company. Thank God for that.

I Really Don't Give A Lohan

Are all young stars train wrecks? Apparently. Personally, I'd like better news please.