Wednesday, December 31, 2008

kind of funny

Six weeks before Thanksgiving I bruised my tailbone during downward dog. It still hurts when I sit for an extended period of time. It is 12:27 PM, I have already watched four hours of Big Love on demand. I am so screwed.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Collective Christmas Thoughts ...

Joe volunteered to lay wreaths at Arlington, it seemed to put him in the Christmas mood but me, I complained to him just days before Christmas that I wasn't in the spirit, and wasn't really looking forward to it. I feel bad. I ended up with major PMS sparked by the darn meds. I felt terrible. I forgot to bring the BC with me on vacation and had to call the nurses and explain my ineptness. I feel silly.
Christmas eve was nice, but weird. My crazy aunt gave me a necklace with her initial on it, my grab gift was awesome, the kids we're too cute, I got to see my cousin S whom I always seem to miss at family functions, and my husband didn't seem to crack under my families extreme ability to make an immense amount of noise. I felt pretty good.
Christmas day was nice, my parents in the morning; his in the afternoon. It was a nice time. Then the weekend came and went. We had a party with the W extended family. The drive to and from was horrid thanks to constant complaining by L. The party itself was fun. Over all I just felt indifferent over the season in general. The good the bad and the thought of ugliness continues.

January 12 is soon approaching. I cannot think of much else. Really Christmas was a blur, I was in a personal fog and continue to be that way. I am concerned from everything from money to child care during the process. Not sure if I am really feeling the real issues associated with IVF. I am almost numb to it, but every other thought, feeling, or action is times five. It is so not me.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

NOT Funny

I am tired. Really tired. Also, I am kind of annoyed at all the holiday cheer at the moment. I am only on 10 milligrams of stinking Provera, which is just a simple female hormone to induce a period, and I am already stressed to the max. I can't even remember to take it at the same time every day, how am I ever going to handle all the IVF drugs? Do you know that the nurses actaully told me to bring a large shopping bag or three grocery bags to my appointment in order to take all the meds and needles home?

Also, I spoke with L yesterday. It is so hard not to tell some people. I tried to hint at the ordeal, but at the same time remained vague and distant. She stated that it "really is okay if you guys just have one." Which you would think is supportive, but really it is salt on an open wound. One! Just ONE! NO!!!!! Go forth and multiply, for crying out loud it is in the bible. But really, just one. Anything with just in front of it, always needs some sort of justification later in life, anything with the word just in front of it, sounds like an issue, or better yet adds an attitude of selfishness to it. Sure, anyone can prove me wrong here, but moreover I am a wreck. I am emotional, tired, and really scared. Isn't there anyone else in this boat? Seems like we're it. Adoption first, IVF second, it just isn't the pecking order.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


I asked my son what his favorite part of Christmas is and he honestly replied, "the presents!". Should I as a parent encourage him to express his true feelings or should I correct his thinking to be more PC, Jesus, giving, charity, and hospitality? Being a Catholic women, I know to encourage the christian values, but at the same time, I ponder, Isn't it okay for him to be truthful? When do I get to admit I like the presents too? Although I do personally like the charity of the season. (PC disclaimer!)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

It's Okay Really

I called the IVF nurses last week, played phone tag, and pass the buck with them and finally managed to get a set date. January 12 to February 3. One month away. We waited so long for this part to get here and waited so long to actually have an opportunity. Up until now we haven't told many, my sister, best friend, and a friend next door is it. By not having the obligation of keeping the family up to speed, we have been able to put the feelings aspect on the back burner, but now as the date is actually approaching I don't know what I feel other than, I don't like the nurses. One is rude, the other too loud, and the third talks 85 miles per hour, hopefully those opinions prove horribly wrong. So I guess I have to feel now.