Monday, June 29, 2009

Like Whoa ... Man

It has been awhile.

As predicted I bipolared my way back and forth - but I am pretty sure I am good now.

I spent the night last night looking at houses online. There are so many. The problem is that people don't really want to show you a rental. The Realtors are busy showing houses they will make a profit on and owners don't want you to see there stuff. So I made appointments to see a few houses over the next few days. I also gave notice on base that we are leaving. (Man that felt good)

In other news:

Our company J & K came and left. They had a bumpy exit because their flight was canceled and they had to switch airports but it all worked out in the end. We had a great time, lots of baseball. I think I might have even been baseballed out by Saturday nights game. We saw a pretty funny comedy act one night, the boys went kayaking one day while K and I walked along the canal at Georgetown for a bit (That was pretty neat). On the last day S really wanted to take them to a cool looking place for brunch. It was a little bit of a ride, but he figured it was worth it. So we headed to the Piratz Tavern in Silver Spring, MD.

Obviously you have figured out that the owner's are illiterate, granted so were real pirates. Illiteracy aside, the sign did not prepare us for the event that was brunch at the Piratz Tavern. When we got there - there were no other customers. Our table had an energy drink on it, and the waiter laughed and said "oh that was mine from this morning" We were there at 1:00pm. This guy, the waiter was dressed like a pirate and seemed overly happy. He started babbling about helping our selves at the buffet and said pretty soon there would be sword fight. We all just sort of stared at each other and looked around. It was a weird place. Then we looked at the food. I tried to scoop some onto a plate, the first chaffing dish had potatoes and rice. Strange combo, but it scooped. The third dish had an unidentifiable brown sauce and a horrid looking cheese sauce, the last dish had bacon and eggs. I tried to scoop the eggs but the whole dish was one big lump. The others were talking back and forth about leaving, and thank God they said "NO". I just sort of handed my plate to S and said something about him telling the waiter and we all sort of speed walked out of there. It was so gross! But it looked promising from the outside and the web ( go figure. In the end C cried, because he really did like the place and S promised him a trip to Medieval Times instead. Then we all headed to the Macaroni Grill and chowed four loaves of bread. Yup, four. We were starving. It was the boys fault.

Hmmm, the boys. I was a little annoyed at those two but the end of the visit. Two nights in a row they stayed up until 3:00am playing video games, and then slept really late the next day. But really, how often do grown men get to have a sleep over party with their best friends? S was really excited J was here. Heck, he even took all the time off from work - he doesn't even do that for relatives! So, I am glad they had fun. If our friends come down next summer they will have a little one with them, and I am sure there will be no late night rendezvous with the Xbox then. LOL.

So that is pretty much the update. Certainly I could have just said - we had fun. But as you all know I love to make stories way longer than they need to be.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Since Monday

I'm back to cleaning. Therapy at it's best, already I feel better. Our friends are coming tomorrow and I am pretty happy about that. The Sox are in town and we've all got tickets, so how can one not be thrilled about that? I wouldn't know :P)

We got some good news yesterday, S's extension was approved. We will be staying here an extra year until February 2011. I was so tempted to start packing today. The extension means we can move out closer to S's work and C can go to school, a really good school! We are going to give our 30 day notice the first week of July (at least that is the plan) and move out accordingly. What a weight lifted off our shoulders.

I had the interview yesterday. It was so weird. I interviewed with almost 20 people. First I met with the director for an hour and then I had this strange interview / meeting with a bunch of people I would be supervising. They fired questions at me that were so inappropriate and non work related, but I kept a smile and just answered as best I could. From what I can remember there were 12 or 13 people in there. Once that was over I met with the director again followed by another round table type firing range with four other managers. I think I did good until that point. My perma grin was starting to fade, and quite frankly I was a little put off by the questioning and emphasis on moral. Red flags left and right. Who knows if I will ever hear from them again, but the three hours it lasted gave me enough interview experience to last years!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Since Friday

My dad graduated on Saturday. The ceremony was better to be expected and the party was too. Actually my sister made all the middle grown ups and kids play wiffle ball and that was a blast. My team sucked, after two innings we stopped keeping score.

And that is pretty much it. Although between the graduation and the party my sister and I went to lunch and I totally unloaded on her. I complained about everything including my mother's "white women's afro" to real issues going on. Eventually we ate ice cream at Friendly's and I felt better.

Yesterday when I got of the plane is just all came flooding back. S picked us up and as soon as I sat in the car I fell asleep. Holy overload Batman. But we still went to a ball game and out to eat, and by nine o'clock I had most of the down stairs clean enough to sit in. Normal evening behavior, TV, a hot drink, and a comfy bed - no smoking, no hysterical fake laughs, or ignorant family gossiping. Ahhhh, home.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Therapy Session

Life is really not fair. Certainly this is not a new revelation and is far from actual insight but it is an obvious truth that I like to forget. Life sucks. It isn't funny, or overly kind, and sometimes I think that the little hamsters running around and around get farther in this world than a lot of people I know. Cynical.

I cannot really expel all the details of the last few days but it has been a whirl wind.

I have a dear family member who is brave, smart, wonderful, successful, funny, & sadly miserable filled with real fears and depressions that don't go away. It isn't fair to say that I can identify with their struggles or that I know the entire extent of their difficulties. They are in the hospital and maybe for some time. I am not even suppose to know these tid bits and I suppose the 'how' of that information is just too much for now. The long and short of my point tonight is this could be me. I feel guilty about turning their horrible situation into my own. But I am so scared that I am not going to be okay.

Another family member on S's side, is in ICU. Last Thursday he drank himself into a coma and was found my his mom. He is 28. He is really handsome, the looker of the family, he acts sweet and a little shy, seems smart and full of whit. But, I don't honestly know him well. Sadly that side of the family isn't close. Anyway he is out of his coma and talking. He expressed to his mom that he didn't want anyone to know - but we all do. He might go to a day treatment / detox type of therapy treatment when he gets out of the hospital. I am worried for him. I don't like alcohol, if I did, there might be a problem like this. Heck - I am already wishing for happy pills what is the difference?

My mother has been complaining about being broke. I could go on for an hour, but really that is the point. She ordered a new water heater - theirs is leaking. While seeing my cousin C today I mentioned that I was tired of hearing my parents money woes and she laughed and said, "Grandma paid for the water heater". I don't think that is true. We have a rat in the family causing trouble and animosity and I have a gut feeling this is her dirty work.

The rat is in back in good graces with others. I can't do it. I can't handle it. I don't understand, and I want to just curl up into that old window and cry. Yet another thing that is too long for tonight. But I might have to elaborate later. It took me years to get to the other side always holding out hope that the rat wasn't a rat - but a straw finally broke the camels back and for me there is no going back. I have no other grudges, no other hates, no hidden agenda. I don't need people on my side. There is no feud, no fight, no issues to stand on a soap box for - it is what it is. I just don't understand why the others jumped ship. My mother in particular, acting as if the rat isn't a rat, even if it is just in front of her mother.

It is a no wonder I am depressed and confused. I feel like I am wearing a mask. Be happy J, Be okay, Be positive, Believe in God J, It's all for a reason, - ummmm - No, everything sucks and it isn't fair, but I can't just say that now can I? No I have to make everyone else happy - GEE WONDER WHERE I GET THAT FROM - MOM!?!?!?!?!?!? Of course everyone else has problems of their own. I can't just cling to them. Even S is having a rough time. Although I have told him all of this in detail. He thinks I should just come home early. There is no question - I should have.

Classic - right? Blame your mother. Well, really that isn't the problem. Mom has been the same since I was a kid. She is a faker. She lies. She pleases. She agrees with whom ever is near. She is sweet and nice and sort of goofy. She likes to tell stories where she is the hero and the poor schlep that didn't make out in the end. Sort of a martyr meets Gandhi with a PHD. She white lies her way through social situations and just tries to make us all happy - while being completely oblivious to social graces. I don't think I can even finish this part - the point is - I don't blame her - I am just awed by the craziness of the week. To her defense she can relate to my situation.

My mother explained that she was just as displaced as I feel when she miscarried a few times in the 70's. However, she told me one huge whopper of a story about a D&C she had in her 20's and I just wanted to shake her. She told me how awful she felt, how she questioned God, and how she was tired of people saying it was God's choice and when she went to the hospital she was bombarded with people trying to comfort her with this type of phrase over and over. She got so upset that [and here is the whopper] that after the last nurse came in room at dinner time and tried to comfort her she lost it and stood up on her bed and started screaming. The doctor didn't make it in until midnight and she was still standing on the bed screaming at the top of her lungs.

Err - Grandma is lighting up - I am going upstairs - I might be back.

30 minutes later:

I am curled up in bed. C is at his cousins house for the night and I have the guest room / my old room - all to myself. I love this room, I wish I could take it with me. These days it is a lot nicer than when I was a teenager, but it is always my room. The family got in the habit years ago of calling it the 'yellow room' because my mother put this awful sun bright yellow carpet in here. About two years ago my parents revamped the house, adding siding, a new roof, and two new peeks to the front with windows. These two peeks added a window to each bedroom and now my old room has five windows. I love it. There is sunlight all day and you don't need a lamp until it is dark. It feels nice and comfortable. There is no more yellow carpet and the walls are still in primer - Mom lost the momentum to decorate up here once the construction was done. But, in all fairness, I don 't like her taste in that stuff, so I prefer this, plain and unobtrusive. I am sure everyone really cares about my room. Back to my therapy session.

So, the last few days have just been crazy. Tonight I was talking to S and just wanted to talk for hours. But eventually we had to hang up. Dinner was ready here and more relatives had just shown up for the big graduation and party tomorrow. I had to talk myself out of a full blown crying fit just before the spaghetti was served. I was late for dinner. I am not a panic attack type of person, but in that moment I swore I was on the cusp of loosing control.

I felt a tight weight around my chest. I couldn't catch my breath and I could not focus my thoughts to one topic. I was about just crawl into bed and pretend I never heard my mother scream "J Dinner's ready!" I wanted to go home, be alone, be with S, and just stop feeling this way right then - I didn't want to wait. Then I was thinking about my relative in the hospital and how I am going to be next. I don't' know what she is going through or what she feels, but if it is anything like this - then she must be dying on the inside. Sadly, it is probably worse for her. After 20 minutes on the bathroom floor with a wet wash cloth pressed to my face I finally caught my breath. My eyes were swollen and my nose was red, but I was able to wash my face, brush my hair and look somewhat presentable. Eventually I joined the family. Faking a smile and even playing a game with my parents, uncle, aunt, and my cousins, which was fun. Some of the fake smile actually turned real for awhile.

Once the game was over I talked with my sister and was thinking of heading to her house for the night. Then I realized as soon as it was quiet again I was going to fall apart. I could fall apart on her, she can help. She can take it all in and feel bad and still be supportive and not say crappy things that actually hurt. But, I can't actually talk. I can't say it out loud. I can't just talk about it. I cannot say the words again - I can't feel it.

So here I am falling apart.

This isn't even everything. I managed a school concert for my little cousins today and a visit with them. I went shopping with my mom and grandmother yesterday, and my sister today. But in all of that, more craziness ensued. Although my time with my sister was golden. She has some good insights about our parents and life in general.

Over a C's house today I could tell she was a mess. She's worried about our family member, she is pissed at the rat, or at least seemed to be, she is fretting about the family and loosing our grandfather and she feels like she needs to be the strong one. I had no words for her. I am normally so good and the encouragements and practical advise, but today all I could manage was a meek "I wish I knew what to say." I meant it.

The rat is making it sound like Grandpa is going to die next week. He is having surgery to repair an aneurysm in his heart. It is really a common procedure amongst the elderly but Grandpa isn't exactly healthy. I think it has been about six years since the stroke and he isn't recovered to say the least. Tonight while he was heading up to be I said "see you tomorrow Grandpa." He responded with a grim "hope so."

I don't know if I should even post all this. What happened to the kind of funny part about this blog? I need sleep, preferably for thirty-six to forty-eight hours worth. I have to settle for five and a half.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


73.2 and the heat is on. My mothers is a lunatic, being proactive in case ol' grandpa gets cold. Maybe we could just plug him in to an electric blanket. Really - the pellet stove is on and set to eighty - in a few hours I will be melting.

Better today - somewhat. At least more numb even without the drugs - of which I WANT BACK! I called the nurses and left a message for the doctor. I know something is not exactly right, granted that could just be in my head. I doubt they'll call back anytime soon and I am positive they won't just order me more happy drugs - maybe pain killers - but those really are a dime a dozen. Well, don't I just sound like a junkie?!?!?

73.8 and increasing.

Mom took the grandparents to the barber shop - they should be back soon. Until then I have moved up to my room with the windows open. It is only 60 outside, it feels good.

When I was a kid I use to sit up here on the floor in the alcove. The window on the peek of the house sits on the floor in a cut out and I use to fit perfectly there with my knees pulled up to my chest. There was this huge tree that had these big leaves that touched the window in the summer time. I use to have visions of the tree getting stronger at the end of the branch and being able to climb right out. That never came to fruition although I did jump a few times down to the flower box under the dining room window, that is until I realized my parents were deaf and I could just sneak out the front door. LOL. The tree is gone now and the yard, although green and flat looks pretty, to me it seems a little barren.

I ate cookies for breakfast today. They made me sick. I want fruit and veggies! Luckily Grandma went shopping with Mom this morning and they seem to have gotten some fruit and I was able to eat a banana with lunch. Tomorrow I am just going to have to go out and have a salad - a huge one. My sister should be in town then which should be good.

Oh well the troops just pulled in the driveway - better go and pretend to be thrilled we are all going to the mall. Oh God - five people in a car one of which is a smoker!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


I've made mistake and want to go home. Granted, tomorrow I might bipolar my way back to normal, but right now I just want to be in my own house.

I had dinner at the W's tonight. They were on their best behavior. (Sorry RB - I know you already heard this) But L kept asking about IVF and the pregnancy. It might not have been so bad if all the questions were at once, but it was spread out over the course of five hours, sneaking up on me just when I thought we were back to talking about family or the weather or worse - the birds in their back yard. I don't like birds - they are loud, they poop indiscriminately, and they are rather creepy looking. The W's love them and have all kids of feeders to attract different kids of the flying beasts. But I digress, back to being depressed and sad... The baby talk was horrible. L just kept trying to get me to agree that this was God's plan. Not my God!

When I was leaving L gave me a stack of paperbacks - we always swap - and she says "I have to warn you, in this one there is a teen pregnancy, but don't worry it doesn't work out. " WHAT???? Do you think it is okay that a baby didn't survive if it was a teen mother? Really? I don't get it. The best bet people - if you don't know what to say, SHUT UP!

I do get that she means the best. I do get that everyone means the best - even my little cousin who said yesterday "so I hear your pregnant?" her mother almost choked. Am I that fragile? Apparently so, because I just want to go home.

While I am at it. How is it that the whole house smells like smoke even though Grandma is out on the porch? How is it that I feel so alone in a huge house with a so many people in it? How is it that all I want to do is sleep - but have just been laying there for hours? How is it that I just let my kid watch the othersiders on Cartoon Network - a show about kids ghost hunting? (so not appropriate!) How is it that I am so sad and just numb too? How is it that I am going to be okay for a big family event this weekend? How is it that don't have anymore painkillers - but still have pain? How is that I stop hemorrhaging for a day and then it just comes right back?

I know. I know. It just hurts that's all, and until dinner I did a better job of faking it.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I Might Be Crazy

I am bored. Seriously - there isn't much I want to do and there really a downward interest in the entertainment of watching cartoons and playing countless games of Monopoly. Yesterday C and I played games, watched TV, went to the playground, and took a three hour nap. It felt good. My parents came home from work, we ate dinner (NO VEGGIES _ NO FRUIT _ NO HEALTHY ANYTHING!) and then it was time to watch TV - again. Although I wanted a day of nothing, this was to the extreme. Today is off to the same start, fortunately I am going to my cousins later and that is never boring, with all those kids - even if I am left sitting in her living room twiddling my thumbs there is always something to keep me laughing or shaking my head in disbelief - either way there is no boredom in that house.

It is also FREEZING here. Yesterday my mother put the fire on for me. I didn't even bring sweat shirts or jackets for us. While I was packing I did a quick load of laundry and shoved a pair of jeans in for C and myself - thank God. Also, I didn't even bring sneakers - only flip flops. Yesterday I borrowed a sweat shirt from my dad and today I am seriously thinking of borrowing sweats from my mother. LOL I am so unprepared.

Funny, but I know it will be wicked busy by the end of the week. Starting tomorrow we have plans all day everyday. Plus my grandparents will be here tomorrow evening. It is so hard staying here with them too. I feel pretty bad saying that - but it is the truth. Grandpa is in rough shape to say the least - and Grandma is a smoker.

My mother announced the other day "oh John is coming by to install a railing." I bluntly told her "I really don't want to know about your home improvement plans." Then we traded evil eye looks and moved on. This morning she told me John would be here at nine. Huh? What? Sooooo, I have to be here and watch a strange man I don't know??? I just responded with a "who's John?" "oh, I know him from the Depot." Right - I should have known. So the long and short of it, this weird guy is coming over to install an extra railing along the staircase so Grandpa can go up and down the stairs. The last time I was here while there was even minor construction the guy was smoking in the house and leaving all the doors open when my dog was here. I am not amused. It is past ten and "John" isn't even here yet.

So, as I said, Grandpa is in rough shape. I love to see them and visit - it is just a lot of extra work when they are here. C has to be quieter and not run, he can't give them bear hugs or jump up and down because he is playing some game he has invented in which he cannot loose. It is work to keep him seen and not heard. Not that the grandparents expect that or anything, it is just obvious that just looking at C totally exhausts them.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Spelling Misshap

I'm on VK. Today I'm lounging around in Mom's living room drinking coffee and watching cartoon with C. I have the laptop fired up and was checking face book and my email. I just decided to check in on my blog, and typed the address into Dad's computer. Instead of I typed in It is only 8:37 am and I have already looked at porn.

Friday, June 12, 2009

One Step Up & Two Steps Back

I am in agony. Late yesterday I started to have major cramping and today it has continued. Gross things are happening I tell ya. I am regretting not getting the D&C. Natural release of a pregnancy is super painful and just plain inhuman. No need for extensive details I suppose, but for the sake of over sharing, golf ball size clots, 1/2 cup gushes, and long stringy tissues are releasing but not before they cause be to double over and today almost pass out from the pain.

I thought I was getting better, but yesterday when it all got really bad the emotional toll rushed back in full force too. Mom warned me about that. She said when it happened to her a few times she would be fine for a day or a week and then bam she would be in line at the supermarket and just start crying.

Today C and I went to the park w/ T and the kids. After we let the kids splash around her their kiddie pool to cool off. I had Maggie running around out side of the fences chasing her ball - it was really quite cute. Anyway when we came inside we got ready to go over to Hertz rental car. Just when I was about to leave the extreme cramping set in and I literally fell down in the bathroom. I didn't exactly pass out, but I was so weak and out of it. I downed some drugs, drank a few gallons of water and sucked it up. After all I had places to be.

The places to be: 1. Hertz - of which I am boycotting for life. 2. The vet - which I totally didn't make it too in the end. 3. Lunch - I promised C Burger King 4. Groceries - Dad is on his way here and I don't have cream for coffee or Coke.

So, I make it to Hertz and I leave without the car I rented. I have a voucher for 75.00 off and they moron cashier couldn't figure out how to put it into his system. I asked him to call his manager or corporate office and he refused saying it wasn't necessary. I left without the car. Now I am on hold with their customer service - it has been 20 minutes and 10 seconds. They are seeing if they can re-issue the voucher that expires today. - 26:22 the guy just got back on the phone and said they can't do it, but if I want to rent the car and then mail in the certificate I can. I told him NO - I am not taking a chance like that - what happens if they send me another voucher that I can't use! Jerks - all of them.

So C and I go out to lunch, it was nice. The meds kicked in and I started to perk up a bit. After lunch we walked home and I canceled the vet appointment. Err. Groceries can wait until tonight.

In other news: I am ticked at S. He is on my list. Today he is a Nationals Park being a extra in some Owen Wilson flick. Which is good for him. But he has been so busy lately that I barely have seem him. The whole me going on VK thing was put on hold so long because we were figuring out what he was doing and then this week he tells me he is going to Denver next week. WTF?!?!? He gives me a guilt trip about being gone all week and then he goes TDY anyway. Plus, what about Maggie. I'd bet the world he didn't make arrangements for her! He takes no responsibility in the real world sometimes. He has time to be an actor but no time to take the dog to the vet, buy milk, or even start dinner on his own. I didn't even get to see him yesterday unless you count dinner, which was all of 12 minutes. Hormones? - Maybe.

I know, I am all over the map here. I am just trying to write it all while I'm on hold with Hertz. Also, I am a bit of a basket case today. I think I need to just snuggle up with C and Maggie and relax. Sponge Bob should be on soon anyway. LOL.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Interview

So I sucked at giving the phone interviews, but apparently I didn't suck too bad a being on the receiving end of things. I have a real interview on the 22nd when I get back from VK. It is suppose to be three hours long. Not sure what to make of that, or how the heck I am going to get there. But I suppose that is what the 21st is for, to figure it all out. So, nothing embarrassing was said on the phone although I was thinking about the fart comment and started to giggle a little. Certainly I must be getting better.

C is better today. We played all day. It was kind of fun, but now at only six in the evening I am beat. LOL I'm so old.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

So Not Over It

I did manage to get through the day yesterday without crying. Still, not over the whole ordeal, but recovering. Still angry - but working on it. My friend A dropped off a christian book to me covering the death of an unborn or stillborn child. At first I just let it collect dust on the coffee table. Well, no dust really - I have been cleaning for a week straight, but you get the idea. Anyway I picked it up last night after talking to my friend and feeling like I could get through this, the book might help, a little.

So, in other news: C is sick today. He woke up at 11:00, 12:00, & 1:00 last night. He was up from about 1:00 until 2:30 with a fever of about 101. I gave him some Tylenol and it didn't even touch it. (although it may have been an old bottle, in the middle of the night I wasn't exactly at peak parenting) Around 1 something I had C move into the guest room. That is the coolest room in the whole house. I turned the A/C down to sixty and got me an really thick winter blanket and settled down next to him. Poor guy was so restless and weary. He just kept moaning "I want to be cold now."

This morning he woke up and looked fine, but only for a few minutes. Even before he could use the bathroom and open his eyes all the way he starting crying and saying he felt "green and sort of yucky" I checked his temp and this time the thermometer said 98 even. I might get a new one this afternoon when S gets home. The kids was burning to the touch - and he was dark red. Anyway, he has been eating freeze pops and watching TV in my room all morning. So not like him to watch TV for hours. Around nine he asked to watch a movie and thought for sure after the big race beginning in CARS he would bounce out of bed and want to play, but he is still in there.

It could be a few things:
  • He has a loose tooth, he could be cutting a new one underneath
  • He complained briefly about a sore stomach - this is a common complaint and we are thinking we better get that checked out
  • He had an allergic reaction to bath and body works sunscreen the other day, and got really itchy and rashy
  • He is just a kid, and is fighting off something

Still, I feel bad for him.

More about me: I might go back to work. On a whim I looked up jobs online and found one that was exactly calling for my experience and degree. So I applied on line and have a phone interview tomorrow. Phone interviews are weird. I always hated depleting the applicant pool that way beause I SUCKED at it! Everyone who sounded good on the phone showed up in sweat pants and purple hair or with their kids in tow on the actual person to person interview. Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't admit that - you never know what a google search of your name will show your interviewer. LOL. So phone interviews - anyway - normal experience tells me that if I 'pass' they'll want to see me next week and I won't be here, so it looks like I might actually start looking when I get back. Can't wait to tell you, my dear readers how I embarrass my self during the conversation. I can already see it

So tell us about your self

I am a great ROI manager and people person. I also fall down a lot, say the wrong thing at the wrong time and occasionally fart in public. My son will let you know very loudly when that happens.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Since Yesterday

I feel better. Not great, but better.

I have great friends. All of them have emailed me support and prayed for me while I grieved. Not that I am done grieving, but I feel better. My best friend J called tonight and my whole face just got the biggest smile when I heard her voice. I know - I am such a dork. Anyway, we both had to keep stopping to talk to our kids, we never seemed to stay on one subject very long because we were babbling but she is one who knows, sadly, exactly how I felt. It felt good to know she loves me and wants me to be happy. - I know, I know, Mushy - DORK. Then there is by friend RB who emails me the sweetest most supportive messages and then leave comments that are real and honest and full of hope. She gets a whole other side to me and it is just nice. Life is nicer because I have great friends. MUSH MUSH MUSH. Then there is my sister - who is just awesome.

Something funny:

I had jury duty today. After hours of deliberation I sat at seat ten on a jury. I was trying to think of a way out of it. I had the following thoughts:
  • I think I know one name from the witness list
  • Medical issues, but I didn't want to fully explain and cry in front of the court
  • I could make myself look like an idiot

Ding, Ding, Ding, folks we have a winner. I just started smiling and staring at the defendant. There was only one person left in the selection pool everyone else had been dismissed and I was sweating it. The judge explained that this was a criminal trial that would last approximately four days and Friday would be an off day and we would reconvene on Monday. NOOOOOO I thought, I am suppose to be in Massachusetts on Monday. So I just sort of stare at the defendant smiling and hoping. Then the judge says, "This will be the final ..." and the prosecutor raised his hand. The clerk went over to him and then to the defense attorney then back to the judge. The judge said, "Number 698 (that was me) you may return to the jury lounge, number 713 you will take seat 10 and this is the final jury that will serve on the state Vs. whatever his name was". I smiled all the way back to the lounge. Then went to lunch and then got dismissed for the day. See you again in two years - Criminals. LOL

Monday, June 8, 2009

Since Friday

The cleaning continued, the pain got worse.

I picked up prescriptions this morning and took them immediately. Percocet I normally do well on, just get wild dreams. I also has an RX for tranquilizer. I suppose that is an old term for it - lol, I am getting old. the drug is called Adovan. I wasn't going to take it, but the pain was so intense that I decided I would try it. It works well with the percocet. One kills the pain and the other makes you not care about it. Although, I feel like I could go to sleep now at noon, and sleep until the next morning, even though I got a TON of sleep last night. I was out like a light by 11:15 and C and I both slept until almost 9:00.

The List

  • Cleaned the sofa - again! The poor dog has a tail that keeps bleeding and when she wags it blood gets every where. I was drinking a cup of coco this morning while sitting by the window and looked over at the couch and couldn't believe how much blood was all over the bottom of it.
  • Scrubbed walls - again, for the same reason
  • Washed everything in the house. There is nothing left. Anything that fit into a washing machine was washed, some things twice
  • Re-washed covers to chairs in living room, C spilled RED crystal light on it.
  • Cleaned windows
  • Organized C's toys. We took about 1/3 out for Goodwill, and 1/3 we put in boxes in the shed - we'll swap them out in a few months. There are just too many.
  • Tball was canceled because the fields were too muddy, so we went out to eat and to a ball game instead. C dressed up as Iron Man because it was super hero night at the park. He had a great time and so did we.
  • On the way home from the game, things got really worse for me. I didn't end up needing a D &C or the medication to induce one naturally. It just happened. Our car seat will never be the same.
  • Cleaned seats in Car
  • Pulled towels out of Goodwill bin to sleep on.
  • Put towels in TRASH
  • Continued to clean aimlessly
  • Cleaned out tub in our bathroom again. Apparently the whole cleaning while in the tub didn't work all that well.
  • Read another 100 pages or so of the fourth Twilight book. I like it, but it is so out there. I suppose I am not really a "science fiction" reader so things like vampire babies growing at a rate of a week for every two days just makes me laugh
  • Rented car to go home for a week. Dad called, said, "don't spend the cash, I am coming to get you and C on Friday" I love my parents! They are also bringing my mother's living room chairs down with them because they got new ones. They don't match a thing in the house, but they are comfortable and nice.
  • The guilt of the L situation got to me, so I fixed it with a white lie.

The white lie:

S's Mom, L called me. I answered the phone. I planned on ignoring any family calls for a few days, but the caller ID had different plans. That day S was working in DC at a different location than normal. He called and a 202 area code came up on the phone. After I hung up with him a 202 number rang and I figured it was either him again or the doctors office because it said DTSW which is a government phone. I answered it and it was L. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to wallow in self pity and clean. But as I said, caller ID had a different plan.

So I talked for a while and tried not to cry, but I couldn't help it. This was only a day after we found out. So D, L's husband, S's dad, emails us over the weekend and offered his prayers and told us if we need their help in anyway they are here for us. So, I get the email and return this message:

Hey Dad,

Thanks for the kind words. S and I are doing fine, just still a little bummed out. {SO NOT TRUE} What really helped was Mom's phone call the other day. I hadn't planned on answering any calls from family or friends but the caller ID made it look like a local number calling, not your number for some reason. So I answered it expecting it to be a doctor or S and it was Mom. I cannot tell you how much this meant to me. To know she always does everything in her power to take care of me, to know how much I mean to her, to know that she was just as sad as I, was comforting and uplifting. You both are the best,


It isn't true, we feel like crap - still. We are mad at God, directly. We know this is unreasonable, but the grief is strong. I didn't want to talk to Mom that day. I didn't really feel better after getting off the phone, but I did know the things she meant were truthful and honest and from her heart - it just didn't comfort me because I am not ready to be comforted. Some might think if you are only six weeks along you can get over it in just a few days, but I am not so sure about that. Anyway - Dad passed the note along to L and L returned a note to me praising me for being such a fantastic daughter. The feud is on hold. I really cannot be mad at her.

I could keep going here for hours. But C is calling for a snack - and I think chips and salsa sounds really good too.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Since Thursday

  1. Organized linen closet
  2. Washed & Folded more clothes
  3. Washed & Ironed living room curtains
  4. Scrubbed mini blinds in living room - super gross!
  5. Thought about cleaning coat closet - ate cereal instead, 4 bowls - don't ask?
  6. Thought about dusting, got call from neighbor asking us to go to Chuck-e-Cheese
  7. Went to Chuck-e-cheese
  8. Baked Bread
  9. Made Pudding w/ C
  10. Organized candles, seriously I have an addiction! They take up an entire three draw cart / tote thing-y
  11. Read 200 pages of Breaking Dawn. I like it, but there is something so weird about the lust that the main character has - even in my twenties I didn't lust like that!
  12. Watched Spiderman 3 w/ C
  13. Watched Wipeout w/ C, we had recorded it on DVR, even teary eyed you have to laugh at grown-ups falling down.
  14. Did the dishes
  15. Took dog for a walk / run with the family
  16. Bit admins head off when they called to reschedule an appointment
  17. Avoided calling my nurse back, third day in a row
  18. Watched the first Tonight Show w/ Conan - DVR, I am so behind
  19. Showered & cleaned the shower while I was in there - I know, obsessive - and cleaning while naked is oddly not all that uncomfortable when I got out I started cleaning the sink then C came in and was like "mom whaaaatttt are yoouuuuuuuu doinnnnnnng?"
  20. Washed cushion covers on living room chairs, struggled with them to get back on - there is a reason there has been a syrup mark on one of them for months
  21. Replaced all towels w/ new ones that I bought months ago and were still in the bag. Picked out six old ones for camping and put the rest with the Goodwill bins

There is some improvement, yesterday I didn't think at all while I cleaned I just moved aimlessly from one task to another, today at least I was thinking - sort of, anyway. But avoidance is still key.

Mental note: Organize camping stuff, Clean C's bathroom, organize the coat closet, organize the shoe bin by the door, steam clean the carpets - especially the ones in the front hall, give dog bath, catch up on the rest of my DVR shows, C has T-ball tomorrow, By more Tylenol PM, Stop hemorrhaging.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Since Yesterday

  1. Folded laundry and put away
  2. Stripped beds
  3. Washed all bedding
  4. Scrubbed Walls in stairwell
  5. Cleaned leather sofa w/ saddle soap
  6. Re-cleaned sofa w/ Magic Erase sponge - worked much better
  7. Scrubbed walls in hallway & sun room
  8. Cleaned my closet
  9. Cleaned guest room closet
  10. Organized games
  11. Pulled out three totes worth of crap to go to the Goodwill
  12. Found random laundry basket in way back of my closet and spent an hour sorting the junk inside. Must have been packed from the last house - full of bathroom stuff like shampoo and make-up
  13. Sorted three months worth of mail - made big pile to file and one to shred
  14. Washed curtains in kitchen
  15. Vacuumed upstairs, downstairs, and the stairs
  16. Babysitting A's rug rats
  17. Swept floors
  18. Cleaned kitchen floor
  19. Ate spaghetti for breakfast (left overs)
  20. Ate enchiladas for lunch (left overs)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

No Calls, Please - Maybe Next Week.

There is no more baby. This morning I went to the sonogram and the bad news was confirmed. I didn't take the progesterone this morning and already I am bleeding. The spotting was break through bleeding and only held off my the medication.

Thank God my sister was here to come home to. I was able to hold it together until she drove away. She didn't want to leave, she begged me to let her call her boss to stay a few more days but I told her I was fine. And I was until she left.

I have so many friends that have miscarried and I never knew how much pain they were actually in, I always felt sad for them and tried to be understanding and empathetic, I just didn't know this is how they felt. I can't imagine the ones that actually got to feel a baby kick, or see them after, their pain must be even worse.

I'll need a D&C with in a few weeks if things don't naturally happen. The doctor also prescribed a medication I could take to make it happen. I am pretty sure we are just going to wait it out. There is another IVF cycle starting in July but if I wait things out my cycle won't match up and we will miss it. So the doc suggested the surgery. I never want to see another IVF drug, needle, vaginal wand, doctor, or the words, inject, insert, blastocyst, embryo, or cycle again. Of course that is totally unrealistic and down right impossible since I want a baby.

The family motto when things like this happen CLEAN AND BAKE and just generally pretend nothing is wrong. I think I am going to go steam clean the carpets and then maybe bake some cookies and then start packing up the laundry room but not before I go scrub the bathrooms and strip all the beds.

I want a cigarette and some caffeinated beverages. Ha, I haven't smoked in over three years - it would probably make me throw up. Well, I gotta go - there are walls to be washed.

Monday, June 1, 2009


Thanks to all who have been praying, things have gotten better. Yesterday I stopped spotting. Today I have only discharge from the progesterone which is gross, but nothing to worry about. I felt so much better yesterday that I actually went to a ball game with S & C. We had a lot of fun. It was autograph day so I took Cooper around to meet all the players and had them sign a ball for him and one for S. S followed us around snapping pictures. It was all very sweet and a prime family time. The game was a good one, our team, the Baysox won, we helped them celebrate by going out to dinner. LOL.

[We are out two times this weekend and had take out of Sunday. Fun now, but we are going to be broke by the next payday. ]

There was this one family behind us that almost ruined our fun. But we tried our best to ignore them. They left in the seventh inning and we clapped and cheered as they walked away! heee, heee. The man was so gross. Every time a girl walked by he would say "well I'm going to the snack bar and getting something ..." Then he would insert the color of the girls shirt. His older daughter and wife would start laughing and making comments to go with it. Then during the free T-shirt toss our section didn't get any and the wife was complaining so the guy got up and went to the section below us, took off his shirt and threw it up to the wife. GROSS! I was so glad my family had gone to get a hot dog then. There were worse comments including "I might get some Italian when we are Italy, some Italian pussy - I mean Pizza" when talking about their up coming VK. "Were those the last shoes in the free world or did you actually choose those? They are the ugliest things I've ever seen." He was talking to his wife. Her and I had the same shoes on! And then a comment about me being a seven but then a two because I clapped for a player they didn't like! The three of them were gross and disgusting. Could you imagine that kind of talk around your wife and kid? Around other families? Around CHILDREN!???!?!?! Here is the kicker, they were not drinking. They were not altered in anyway - this was their natural form.