There is no more baby. This morning I went to the sonogram and the bad news was confirmed. I didn't take the progesterone this morning and already I am bleeding. The spotting was break through bleeding and only held off my the medication.
Thank God my sister was here to come home to. I was able to hold it together until she drove away. She didn't want to leave, she begged me to let her call her boss to stay a few more days but I told her I was fine. And I was until she left.
I have so many friends that have miscarried and I never knew how much pain they were actually in, I always felt sad for them and tried to be understanding and empathetic, I just didn't know this is how they felt. I can't imagine the ones that actually got to feel a baby kick, or see them after, their pain must be even worse.
I'll need a D&C with in a few weeks if things don't naturally happen. The doctor also prescribed a medication I could take to make it happen. I am pretty sure we are just going to wait it out. There is another IVF cycle starting in July but if I wait things out my cycle won't match up and we will miss it. So the doc suggested the surgery. I never want to see another IVF drug, needle, vaginal wand, doctor, or the words, inject, insert, blastocyst, embryo, or cycle again. Of course that is totally unrealistic and down right impossible since I want a baby.
The family motto when things like this happen CLEAN AND BAKE and just generally pretend nothing is wrong. I think I am going to go steam clean the carpets and then maybe bake some cookies and then start packing up the laundry room but not before I go scrub the bathrooms and strip all the beds.
I want a cigarette and some caffeinated beverages. Ha, I haven't smoked in over three years - it would probably make me throw up. Well, I gotta go - there are walls to be washed.
5 comments:
Oh J I was just thinking of you this morning and wondering how you were...only to read this. I am so, so, so, so sorry and angry. Words cannot make the pain go away...you just have to grieve and allow yourself to do so. I am in tears for you...just bawling as I think about it. You'll question everything, be angry, sad...its all natural and just let yourself go through it all. I'm sure somewhere in my archives are my posts about what I went through with my babies (if and when you're ready to read it). CALL me whenever you want to talk, if you want to! I am leaving for MI this weekend and don't always get cell service so you can always try my mom's too (I'll email you her #). I am PRAYING for you sweet sister! I wish I could hop on a plane and come and hold you, cry with you and throw things with you (oh and clean and bake too)! So horrible that sissy had to leave.
I am really sorry Jamie! I hope you find peace in your grieving process. I will keep you in my prayers.
I really do not know what to say, the pain must be unbearable. All I can do is pray I guess, its so unfair it makes me mad!! I wish sis could have stayed longer with you, love and prayers!!!!!
Z's exact words: How stupid that is for them.
I am so sorry Jamie. My heart and prayers are with you and Scott. I pray that you be given all the support you need from family and friends. I also will pray favor be given to conceive another baby to full term. I will think of your baby and my 2 grandchildren in heaven rejoicing and playing together and in the arms of Jesus.
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