Saturday, May 28, 2011

I'm IN!!!

Blogger has given me a heart attack. For some reason I haven't been able to login, post or see my comments. How rude! Oh well, life goes on. 

Ironically there isn't that much to update. Health wise, I am still getting better each day. Mentally, I am a little drained but there again getting better each day. The in-laws are here and so far so good. And most importantly we are in the middle of planning our annual summer VK with J&K and baby A, (although he isn't exactly a baby anymore :) ) This year we are striving for Myrtle Beach. I am super excited about it. By far Myrtle Beach was my favorite vacation as a kid and I cannot wait to go back. Currently we are just pricing out condo's to rent for a week in July - man is it pricey. Hopefully that isn't a deal breaker. I know on my end it isn't (ha, ha) As discussed multiple times vacation is my number one spending priority. 

And that my friends is the news.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Deep Cleasing Breaths

And she's cleaning. God it feels amazing. Steam cleaned the carpets, moped and waxed the wood floors, took down all the curtains to wash, reorganized the hall closet, made up the guest room, and still had time to eat breakfast and lunch out side with my little guy. Poor thing is home sick after getting sick on a field trip yesterday, but he seems fine now - we just wanted to be on the safe side.

Up next bathrooms and the office. I'd rather scrub toilets that clean this room. Dusty, no storage, and C eats in here, it just all adds up to one mess of a room.

Doctor said I should be able to run by next week. I cannot wait. I managed a good three mile walk yesterday for the first time in forever; fantastic. Since I stopped the progesterone I have lost three of the 20 (holy crap) pounds I have gained since IVF / OHSS. I hope it all comes off that easy. 17 more to go :)

Monday, May 23, 2011

Never Ending

I know there are quite a few of my friends out there who know exactly what this is like. Knowing you are pregnant and knowing you are loosing or have lost the baby. This time around, even if I was / am just a little bit pregnant it still hurts so bad. Today's test is about the same just a fraction less. I retest of Friday. Unless the HCG level is zero I could possibly need a D&C. Last time I took drugs at home, this time I'd have to go in due to the OHSS. Unbelievably the period I just had didn't do the job or I would have tested at zero this morning. There is just this little life that once was holding on in there, in me. Broken me. I thought I was ready to hear the news, I was wrong. 

Normally I would be obsessing over cleaning every inch of every thing right about now but I am so tired. My body hurts and is sore. Every joint feels swollen and achy. When will it be out turn?

Back to Sleep

My Face Book status:

Going back to bed. You'd think after more than 30 hours of sleep over the weekend I'd be ultra chipper. I haven't slept this much since I had mono, in like 10th grade :)

So true. Saturday after the ball game I passed out until almost 6:00, got up for dinner and was back in bed by 10:30. Yesterday I napped from 11:30 to 6:00 and was fast asleep by 9:30. I did wake up early today (5:00) but had to leave by 6:00 anyway so I could get my blood drawn again. Good times. I'll get the results later today. Hopefully I'll wake up by then.

I am almost numb to the idea of that the results mean anything. The nurse through around so many what ifs that I am having trouble sorting them all out. Ectopic pregnancy, Continuing OHSS, a miracle, and so on and so forth.

Back to bed for me.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Heat Wave

Ahh Saturday. 

We stayed up watching the Sox completely rock the Cubs, it was fantastic. Towards the end I was talking up a storm just to stay awake.

This morning we headed out to a few yard sales and to C's baseball game. The game was so much fun. C got three really big hits and played well. The weather was absolutely perfect and everyone including the parents were just in the best moods. I loved it.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Off Topic: I Am Going to Hell

All this talk about Rapture has my funny bone tickled. My favorite posts this week on Facebook:

Rapture Prank: Take old clothes and place them in people formation on your neighbors lawns

and my sisters link to Rock Me Sexy Jesus - hilariously sinful.

? Part 3

My Beta is at 13 today, still bleeding - heavily... another test on Monday. Pray.Pray.Pray.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

? Part 2

So how is this for a roller coaster. My test was a very low positive. My beta count was 8.3 just barely over the not pregnant count. I have to retest tomorrow and we'll see on Monday if the level goes up. But seriously, I have my period; cramps and all. My nurse said this is probably a chemical pregnancy but to stay cautiously optimistic.

If you need me before Monday I will be spoon deep in a bowl, or maybe the box, of Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream.


Well there still is now news on the test officially, but I got my period soooo yeah that sucks. The silver lining, we have one frozen embryo and we can try again in the summer.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I have this running rant in my head about how horrible our son's dentist is, the bastard charged us 1200 + dollars for four fillings after estimating our cost was 582.00, but it is thundering and lighting so I better make it a quick post. Here are the highlights:

  1. Dentist = asshole
  2. Grandma = very sick, in hospice care = very sad
  3. Pregnancy Beta test taken today, results tomorrow or Friday (I still think they are negative = booo)
  4. S = home from Florida.
Yowza - that is a lot of lightning! GTG!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Proof of Disaster

I certainly must still have some hope that it all worked because I am freaking out over here! Today after baseball practice I let C go to the playground with the rest of his team. I was there watching as all these kids were racing between two play sets playing a rousing game of dinosaur tag. Suddenly I saw C and one of his friends run past the second play area. I ran to catch up with them and corral them back. 

IVF rule: No strenuous exercise. NO RUNNING.

I could actaully feel my ovaries bouncing around in there, after all they are still larger than normal. Then I had some major cramping. Freaking out.

S called and I was just a mess talking to him. Of course I know I am being irrational. I jogged only about 25 yards. But still the tears were flowing. I have been trying so hard to follow every rule and recommendation, even the silliest of the silliest. But an important one I just forgot about. Granted I was a mom on a mission: Safety first. 
Then there is my mother-in-law...

My mind has been going over a conversation I had with her today. As much as I tell myself she means well and only wants the best of the best for us I can't shake her words. "Well if things don't work the way you planned it is okay, you already have one and he is really a lot of work and needs all of your attention." "Some families were just meant to stay small." "It isn't like you could handle 10 or 12 kids anyway." She also added a whole slew of unhelpfulness by saying classic phrases such as, don't you just hate when people who shouldn't even have kids have them, this so isn't fair, besides you just never know what you are going to get it could be really bad, and if you barely handled the bloating from OHSS than how would you even handle being pregnant? But the OHSS could have been replaced by anything, if you can't handle X than maybe shouldn't even want to try to accomplish Y and Z. 

This year I have actaully done a good job of being a good daughter-in-law. L has actaully done a good job of being a great mother-in-law. Today I was just sensitive and had a hard time hearing things that I have heard from people over the last 12 years. I am not a bad person because I want more children. I am not a bad person because we have one very loved child. And I am sorry but I couldn't talk her through our problems without feeling overwhelmed. "No mom, it isn't fair, but that is fine. There isn't anything we can do about that aspect and it has been a lot of years for us to be okay with that." "C will always have our attention, he isn't too much work, he is a great kid and we are committed parents." "If I could have 12 kids I would in a heart beat but right now we are just trying to stay hopeful for one more." "I really can handle being pregnant, I look forward to it."

I am so teary eyed. Hormones. Err.

 And since I am just not that thrilled at the moment let me just add another rant: I lent my friend my car. She is moving to Germany in two weeks and had to ship hers. I completely offered more than once and wanted to help out. Yesterday I went out of my way to bring the car to her in DC. I wanted to go. Today she calls me to ask a question about the heated seats- she couldn't find the switch and was pretty much burning her biscuits. (I found that kind of funny) Then she proceeds to tell me that it is a good car but probably needs some shocks. It isn't really a secret, the car is 12 years old, I bought it really cheap and it only has to last us until the end of this year, but it is dependable and I had it serviced a few weeks ago knowing I was going to lend it out. I want my friend to use it, I want to help her. But can I just add that it just erks me when you lend something to someone and they point out the faults.  

Once I lent this guy I worked with my old Jetta and he came back and said that my clutch was going. I was like "really, it wasn't this morning." Jackass. Another time I let a friend use my carpet cleaner and she called to tell me that the filter was sort of smelly. Annoying - plus she returned it full of cat hair! Another time, many moons ago, we lent a friend our lawn mower and he returned it saying that it cut to low and kept kicking up rocks. Nothing wrong with the mower dude, adjust the level by using the lever next to the wheel, or better yet return it with a broken blade like you did.

If I could think of more wounds to open and add salt too I would continue. As stated earlier: Hormones. Err.

Comfort Food

Thank you to all who commented and emailed me! I know that no matter how things turn out; I'm OK. Weak moment I suppose. I am still not convinced but am more hopeful. For now I am going to try not to think about it and just take it easy. C and I dropped S off at the airport this morning (Florida this week) so there should be no problem vegging out and ignoring reality for a few more days. :) Also, I plan on going to the market today and purchasing vast amounts of chocolate peanut butter ice cream. Randomly yesterday after having two lunches I vowed to eat only salad today - it is 7:42am and that is so out the window! hee, hee.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Nonmotivational Speaking

I don't think IVF worked. Last time I remember feeling all these symptoms like twinges and weird stretches, this time I am fine. Although I am tired, but that could be anything and everything. Honestly I am in sort of a funk about it. Not all depressed and weepy, granted if my hunch is right I will be there soon, but just in a crabby mood. I suppose by now a home test would work, my blood test is Wednesday, but I just don't feel like being on the fast track to deep dark black hole depression. It could happen. Furthermore we still haven't found out if we have any embryos that were frozen and this is causing me stress. Do I morn them now or later or all at once or one at a time?  

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Motivational Speaking

I am so tired this afternoon. Oh well, no complaints, after all I do feel better. The pressure has almost completely stopped and my stomach has gone down some; a few days ago I couldn't even zip my sweatshirt up over my belly! I swear I looked 6 months pregnant. So now I am focused more on that little embryo inside me. Stick, stick, stick!

This morning I toured my own blog. Having tried all this two years ago pretty much to the month was heart wrenching but to go back and read the things I deemed important enough to mention then didn't actaully leave me with sadness. Sure I wish after that little embryo stuck it actaully stayed stuck and grew but it didn't. And it is sad, but I can handle that one now. Granted I logged a lot of hours on the little red couch at the therapists office in order to do so. However looking back I felt stronger, and more confident, still goofy and mentioning fart jokes; and boy were the visit to the IVF clinic funny - I'd actaully forgotten most of it. But I got through it and now I am finding a lot of the feelings, both physical and emotional, are par for the course even with the added stress of OHSS. I am OK.

Stick, stick, stick, grow, grow, grow. Please, Please, Please. Amen.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Well; transfer happened. After multitudes of testing and consults the doctors were certain that if we transfer one embryo my body could handle it. Basically I was diagnosed with OHSS but luckily was missing the number one IVF killer which is fluid build up. All the doctors and nurses were so surprised, and us too. I suppose this is all cryptic for those non-IVFers out there; or even me a few years from now. So here is a basic rundown
  • 3 days after retrieval surgery I started to feel very bad
  • My clothes started to not fit; I couldn't zip one pair of jeans and the 'fat' pants I bought specifically for IVF which were just yoga pants a size up didn't fit either!
  • I felt so much pressure between my ribs and pelvis that I thought I was just constipated from the pain killers
  • I stopped taking the pain killers but after the constipation deal ended the pain still continued
  • I was basically in a fetal position and unable to move
  • We called the Emergency number and they told us to get there ASAP, we went (hence previous post)
  • I didn't get much better and was in so much pain; feeling bloated and unable to eat or drink anything
  • The next day we went back to the hospital. I puked all the way there. Seriously - it was nasty. My poor husbands car; luckily I hadn't eaten food in a long time. I know - way too much info
  • When we got the to the hospital they sent me for labs and told me to try to eat and drink 
  • After almost six hours of waiting and testing the doctors determined that I have Ovarian Hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) and that my ovaries are in fact the size of grapefruits
  • The doctors determined that my body reacted to the HCG shot but because I didn't have the fluid build up I could still do the transfer
  • They cautioned us to only use on embryo because if we transferred two and they both implanted I could get really sick and we would loose both; it didn't take much convincing for us to use only one
So here I am on day two of bed rest out of three; I am sick, really sick. Nausea and pressure are keeping me from doing much. Thank GOD my mother is here. She is doing all the laundry, she cleaned the bathroom, and had even made dinner every night since she's been here. Well, my time limit is up; sitting upright isn't much of an option for very long. Thanks to all for all the prayers :) They WORKED.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Not Funny

Off this morning to an emergency visit to the IVF ward at Walter Reed. In the end it ended up being swollen ovaries that we causing the majority of the pain. While doing an ultrasound the doctor noted "Whoa, your ovaries are like 10 times the size they should be." Another doctor noted during a second ultrasound that my full bladder was the same size as my left ovary. Yowzaa.

So as it stands right now, I was given more shots, this time blood thinners, and told to drink my weight in Gatorade. Transfer is tomorrow, but most likely we will be told to freeze our embryos (if they last) and return in a few months. 

I am sort of bummed out but honestly not that upset; better to be healthy and feeling good. Although sitting upright at the moment is a VAST improvement. Prayers for me.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A Numbers Game

Well our numbers looked great this morning. 1 grade one embryo and 10 grade 2's. So now we wait a few more days and hope for a blast or two to transfer on day 5. Thank goodness. Honestly there is no way I could have survived transfer this morning. (we had to go into the hospital to find out this information) The Percocet is doing a number on me. Pay attention to number one:

Side Effects:
Constipation; dizziness; drowsiness; flushing; lightheaded; mental/mood changes; nausea; vision changes; vomiting

I suppose that would be number two. Again hysterically laughing at my own jokes. Why is it I make so many fart, poop, and belching references? Perhaps I am really a boy inside? Yeah - no. No worries there. Perhaps it just isn't allowed in society so I over compensate. Yeah - no, I said Who-ha in Wal-Mart the other day. No worries there. Perhaps it is because it is just really funny, in that crude red neck sort of way. Yup, like school in the summer time. No Class. Also, if you just look at my sister M and say poop with no context what so ever she is sure to spit out whatever liquid she is consuming at the time. C and I do it to her all the time. It - Just - Funny.

Friday, May 6, 2011

La La Land

So I have more or less been out of it for the past few days. I had retrieval surgery a few days ago and it went well. We ended up with 24 eggs, 14 of which fertilized. We are very lucky and this time I actaully feel that way. Tomorrow we have a scheduled transfer but if we still have 8 or more embryos we'll probably wait until they are 5 days old to get the strongest ones. If there are less than 8 we transfer tomorrow and grow the rest to day six to see if any of them can be frozen. So, here we have it the IVF scoop . 

In  other non- related news that will somehow end up related: yesterday I was feeling well so M and I ran over to Walmart - yes I realize I have no love for the place - anyway we had a few things to pick up, including my birthday present (I saved some $ my mommy and aunt sent), a blu-ray wireless DVD player. Today we have to go back out to get the right cable for it (figures - LOL). So, then we head over to the gas station to fill up and this very nice man whom reminded me of my dad starts telling M that one of our tires are low. Since it is my car I get out to take a look and sure enough it is really low. So after some chit chat and 45 dollars for 12 gallons of gas we head over to Sears and have the tire checked out. It had a nail in it. Oddly I think that nail has been there since November. I just kept putting more air in the tire. 

All of this might not be all that riveting. Well, alright, it isn't at all entertaining. Here are the moreentertaining parts: tidbits for posterity: while looking for pantyliners in the store I tell M, honestly and openly as if there is no one else around; "The medicine that goes up my "Who-Ha" is leaking. " She laughed out loud at the word "Who-ha" and an old lady looked at me as if lightening was going to strike me down. Secondly, while in JC Penny the mechanic looking at my car called and asked if there was a trick to opening my door. I replied "yeah, unlock it". What a moron. He continues to tell me that the key tag won't open the door (dead battery) and the electric locks won't work ..... DIP SHIT! If they don't work manually unlock the doors. The lady in line behind me was so cute and funny she says "boy and they are suppose to be the stronger sex". As long as I am not using words like "Who-ha" old ladies generally love me. We continued to have a rather fun conversation about the pitfalls of men.

Monday, May 2, 2011


So this is the day, the ones IVFers look forward to, or dread the most. It is the biggest shot, the big daddy or mama is you prefer, it is that actual, not proverbial, shot in the ass. Good times, actaully if memory recalls it wasn't too bad. This HCG shot makes you get ready to release the eggs but just before they ready to go (about a day and a half later) you go into surgery for the retrieval surgery. The next few steps just including waiting and hearing about how those little embryos are growing until it is time to stick them back in (transfer) for us it will probably be Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday. It is kind of exciting to get towards the end of the shots and to hear how many embryos we will have. I'd use the term cautiously optimistic, but that almost feels negative, I'll stick with excited to see what life brings me next.

In other non-IVF news: M got here yesterday, super awesome! It was so nice to have her go with me to today appointment, and to see her try to suppress a laugh and series of "OH MY GOD" gasps when she saw the magic probing wand. (I know I said non-IVF news - all consuming people, all consuming :) )

Also, In Barnes and Noble this morning I fell on a toilet seat, completely crashed down on to my left cheek. Apparently the store is Little People friendly and I just didn't realize how low that commode actaully was and the next thing I know I yell "Oh Crap" ... in the bathroom - in a public bathroom -and I wasn't the only one in there. The irony of choosing crap as my expletive cracks me up. Yup, I am the chick that laughs at her own jokes.

Sunday, May 1, 2011


Ultrasound and Bloodwork this morning. I had a really nice doctor, not that my other one isn't nice, he certainly is the best - but the weekender wasn't half bad. Things are looking good. 20+ eggs all measuring between 12 and 19. Honestly, I don't even really understand all that - I figure if I did it would just be something else to stress over. So I asked the doc if everything is on track and he said "text book". Love it!