Monday, November 28, 2011

Too Sweet :)

I am just on the computer looking up my bank account - nothing that exciting, just logging in the ice cream we bought earlier (bad dieter ...) Anyway, S is upstairs putting C to bed and I can totally hear him reading a book and making silly voices for the different characters. Very, very sweet. 

Also - I got flowers today because I am awesome, it is true, my hubby told me so :)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Clean Slate

I cannot wait for Christmas this year. Our whole family is looking forward to ringing in the New Year with lots and lots of holiday cheer, because lets face it, this year has been less then stellar. Not that we didn't have some good times, we did, but the hardships were really hard. I spoke with my cousin last week and we totally agreed that this season we are all ready to celebrate and stop grieving the situations and lives of the past. 

In this same spirit, everything I've been stewing about, I've made steps towards changing. Just yesterday I spoke with C's teacher and worked out another new plan, contacted my boss to work out the Christmas / New Years debacle, and worked on a plan to keep the Cub Scouts in check. (interesting story about my anti-volunteer rules and how breaking them completely backfires and causes stress) I hate stress, I am not an 'only happy when it rains' kind of a person. I need positivity. I need the people around me to be in a positive state. Not that I don't lavish in the occasional bitch-fest, because really that feels so good sometimes, but seriously I am ready to enjoy life and its challenges again, not get caught up in the stress of things. As noted yesterday - that is what passive aggressiveness is for. (ha, ha) .

So what is a girl to do when she wipes the stress slate clean? SHOP!!! I was on the right track last week, I should have stayed there. Click, click, spend, spend, was just as much fun as a Toys R Us free for all, even on a budget. Even though I shopped for household stuff and only a few Christmas items, I still had fun this morning. I also managed to do the dishes, a load of laundry, mop the kitchen floor, get C and the neighborhood kids to school in the rain, pick up random kid trying to walk to school on a main road with no sidewalks in the rain (positive I broke some type of law there, still can't believe the kid got in our car - but he did know one of the kids in the back seat and we knew his name), and I've still had time to watch the entire Today Show :)

Monday, November 21, 2011

Report Card Season

After reviewing my child's report card and stewing about it for a week I have opted for a passive aggressive approach to a solution. (Obviously, passive aggressive behavior is the most ideal for any situation) The highlighted portions is the translation of such an approach.

An email, sent this morning to C's Teacher:

Hi Miss D,

I would like to request a meeting with you. S and I are very concerned about the path C seems to be on at school. It appears he is taking major steps backwards in behavior and effort which, if not already, will have a negative effect on his learning progress.

You are getting on my nerves. C is worse than ever at school and I think it is your fault. How can he get good grades in everything except effort?

I was first keyed into this at our conference at the beginning of the the month and since then, as a family, we have put a few new 'rules' and 'attitudes' into place here at home, but after seeing his report card and talking with him more we are convinced that there is a bigger problem then we'd hoped. Quite honestly I personally wanted to cry after seeing his report card and cannot imagine what is going on at school during the day for his effort grades to be that horrible. Most importantly we may be missing the bigger picture of what is going with C that is causing these bad grades.

You blindsided me at the last meeting and I was on the defense, hardly hearing what you were saying. You gave my kid bad grades because you are too sensitive. I think that sucks!

My schedule is very flexible and I can meet with you at your earliest convenience. Or if you feel these matters can be better addressed over the phone you can reach me at Also, if you'd like me to talk with Mrs P first, feel free to forward this message to her. Our goal is to smooth out some rough spots for C not cause you distress.

I don't really want to meet with you either but won't say it. I am hoping you pick up on this and just call. Better yet, have a different teacher call, one I like a little more.

Thank you for your time and special attention with this issue,

There wouldn't be an issue if you could pay attention.

Jamie Wagner 

Pissed off Mommy.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Count Down



Weight - just a few more pounds to go before pre-IVF!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am on a roll. 

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Mailing Lists

I swear I am on the best mailing lists! I keep getting these coupons for $10.00 off a purchase of $10.00 at JcPenny, Victoria Secret, and even Bath & Body. Just last week I used the Penny's one and the VS one, and yesterday in the mailbox there were two more! I went straight to the mall. This time I used the B&BW's one too, plus a Hallmark one that was in one of my magazines. I have gotten so much free stuff lately. I am wondering if I should start waiting at the mailbox every afternoon just in case there is something good in there. Maybe I should set up a tent. Maybe I should start looking in my neighbors recycle bins to see if they are on the same mailing lists and thrown out the coupons? Extreme Couponing has obviously made an impression on me.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Tis The Season

Apparently I have overcome my pissy mood by shopping for TOYS! Just call me Santa, although I am happy to report that my stomach is no longer jiggling like a bowl full of jelly. I am not really sure what got into me the other day but pretty much the second the W's pulled out of the driveway I thought "Time to do the Christmas shopping." I've even printed all my cards and addressed all the envelopes. Today I went to the dreaded Toys R us and I got a lot of great deals for C. He's sort of in between kiddie and big kid stuff and I was afraid I'd be limited to over priced Lego sets, but that was not the case at all. I only spent $150.00 and bought C all his presents, stocking-stuffers, wrapping paper, labels, cards, plus gifts for my sister & S. I will probably end up paying about 150.00 more for grab gifts, my portion of my parents gift and donations . I don't think I've ever been able to keep the cost this low before. 

Well, better go, C and I are having a dance party. Thank you Phineas and Ferb for the most annoying and oddly catchy songs on earth. Time to bust a move.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Just One - A Real Zinger

Alright here it is, the one I cannot resist to share. I feared I'd be struck by lightening today at church ... it is that good. 

My in-laws are here. I am obviously in the middle of some 34 year old crisis and as stated previously my bullshit tolerance is lower than usual. With all that being said the visit has been trying. The hubs is on some super diet and it has been the talk all week, it is grating on my nerves. No so much that he is dieting just that with his surgery recovery and all his job woes it seems all that anyone is talking about is worrisome issues. I need positivity. I need a damn cheerleader. Thank God for my mother! Seriously - she has talked me off a few ledges this week. But I digress. Here is the juicy part:

Today after getting home from work, and saying friendly hellos to all,  I brewed a nice hot cup of coffee. My family was outside with S's parents and I just needed ten minutes to unwind before I had to entertain, and lets face it, be the life of the party because everyone else would be too busy complaining. So, I take my coffee downstairs and put it on the table and proceed to the bathroom where I STEP IN PEE! The smell was so gross! I started gagging while I washed my foot off in the sink. Seriously - sock and all. There is a shower in that bathroom but there is a nice medical seat in there for S, because apparently he has the body of a 99 year old. So I threw out my sock - and scrubbed. Next I went to the cleaning closet and got all the appropriate gear to clean up the missed target. I was repulsed and so upset. I understand that C is 8 and that S is basically one legged but a toilet bowl is pretty big - I think I could hit the blue water standing up! So I clean and I am mad. I finally get to my coffee and it is cold. I was now really really mad. 

Now there were a few exchanges in between the next part of the story but basically that is the background. I was in no mood for anyone's shit, or pee for that matter. Later in the day we go to church. S doesn't go because he is still recovering. C, S's parents and I went to an afternoon Mass. It was actaully a very good one. But at the end I notice L (S's mom) is basically weepy and teary eyed. I ask her if she is okay and she says in a tone that sounds like she is going have her heart wrenched out of her chest at any moment "It just feels like there is a is a hole in my sole without my boy here." to which I reply "Well he isn't dead"

I was ignored for hours - it was a little slice of awesome.

Monday, November 7, 2011


It is amazing how crappy a few days of bitching can leave me. Some people might actaully feel better once they've 'vented' - me, I always feel worse. I feel awful about everything that has transpired in the last few weeks. I'm up one minute and then crashing the next. Normally I would drown myself in Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream. This time however, I am playing Game On with my family and cannot eat junk except on my day off once a week & more so, Turkey Hill may have changed their formula a little bit because there isn't near enough peanut butter in that tub of goodness that there use to be. 

In the last twenty four hours I have yelled at my husband, scared my neighbor, welcomed my in-laws, and shopped til I dropped. The later has put me in a slightly better mood. But here I am still bitching and not feeling the light, being my own stumbling block, and wishing things were different without really doing anything about anything. I am sort of at a stand still of the injustice of life. I want to yell and scream that this isn't fair and I want to take my ball an go home. 

I feel so defeated. Even today while in a parent teacher meeting at school all I could say is "I know, he is" or "I am aware of that yes." I felt so exhausted when the teacher said "He back-talks." I felt entirely too defensive when they said "He needs more small group interaction" I wanted to yell back - "Hello, you are the school." And when I was asked if we were reading at home I felt horribly indignant. Of course we read, we read about a gazillion pages of the worst Hardy Boys & Star Wars books on the planet every day. But I just answered yes and relented that we could add a Q&A session after we read a chapter. Sure, that should zap the fun out of it. I missed any good comments while steaming over the above. Old Chinese proverb: If Jamie goes in with a shitty attitude, Jamie leaves craving more ice cream."

I have a disease.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Just A Slight Breakdown

We've had a crap week. Now there really is no sugar coating that would make it seem like this is the way that life is suppose to be, or make us think "oh Thank God" for this or that. This week sucked. It sucked so horribly that I tried to pretend it didn't. I pretended by Thanking God for the good that is here and trying like heck to focus on that . When, in fact if I had just faced the fact that sometimes bad crappy things happen perhaps my public breakdown wouldn't have been such a surprise.

In just seven days there have been surgeries, boo-boos of epic proportions, multiple snobby snubs, plenty of salt poured on open wounds, and other disastrous happenings. At one point I even "aired my dirty laundry" of facebook. Oh yes me, I typed it alright, claiming that I wish I drank! The weight of the world was to much to bear as I took our son to the dentist to have a filling replaced - a filling that I accidentally took out while flossing his teeth, only to find out that filling could easily be done but that he also had a abscess and needed another tooth pulled! Tooth Extraction = surgery #1. 

But the heck that is our week started even before this when I came down with a fever Sunday night. The fever was so bad that I could not function. By Monday I was worse, I topped off at a steamy 105.4 But I still had to take C to school that morning. Normally I walk down to the bus stop and wait with all the kids in the neighborhood until the bus comes. But I was seriously on deaths door, so I drove down and sat in the car. C was the first one there and then two others showed up. Their mom always walks them down their street and watched them cross over the busier street to the bus stop where we are. I always wave. Well today she let her kids cross but then didn't go back towards her house. I watched her for a minute and then saw her catch up to the kids and walk down to the stop. Then I heard the kids say "Oh she's in her car" and the mom turned around and left. Wait - what? That is when I realized that this mother - who isn't particularly friendly to me - who doesn't even know my name is counting on me to watch her kids at the bus stop. I felt a little put off. She's never said anything to me other than a quick hello if we see each other somewhere. So I tried to just tell myself she was making sure that at least someone was there for my child. Maybe she was wondering if C needed someone there. I was too sick to really care, or so I thought - I had no idea I was just putting it into the pity bank for later use.

Eventually I had to take an ice cold bath just so that my eyeballs would stop sweating. Wait Monday, wasn't that Halloween you ask? Why yes it was. I had to cancel my volunteer commitment with C's school, skip pumpkin carving, and starve while there was chocolate everywhere. I couldn't keep a thing down on account of the inferno burning under my skin. That is until about 5:30. All of the sudden my hair stopped matting to my head. My head felt like my head and not some basketball backboard in the middle of a game. And although I was exhausted I did perk up.  So I volunteered to go trick-or-treating. After ll I was still running a little warm and the cool air sure would fell nice. S said he'd go, but the man was still hobbling around on a cane at this point. Now this story is getting super long so I'll cut to the Halloween part chase:
  • I take C door-to-door, I fall and skin my knee, rip my favorite jeans, and sprain my ankle. We keep going. ( it is still hurting, especially the knee)
  • We meet up with neighbors and the kids go together
  • I am introduced to our neighbors boy friend
  • Next thing I know the neighbor and her boyfriend are in their car and I am walking alone with the kids. 
  • I was completely snubbed. Why wouldn't all the grown ups walk together? Do I smell? Suffer from halitosis? 
And the week goes on just like this: being snubbed, emergency dental work, getting my PT canceled because Tircare really does suck sometimes, a sale falls through with some furniture I sold and I did a lot of work for it, we spent a ton in gas going back and forth to Ft Belvoir for S, and I was pretty sure I was PMSing.  More so S has spent the better parts of three weeks dieting for his bi-annual Physical Fitness test and he is getting really paranoid. He weighs less than he has in years but has put on a few extra inches in his waist due to inactivity (because of the surgery in July that he still isn't healed from) and his paranoia is getting harder and harder to calm. But wait - it gets even more annoying.

Thursday night I realized that I needed to be at the ER due to an infection. Listen to this stupid turn of events!!!! Last weekend I was doing some laundry and put C's clothes in his dresser for him. When I was reaching into one of the drawers I got a huge piece of wood stuck into my thumb. Lots of little splinters into my skin and under my nail. After cussing out the inanimate object I took out the splinters and went back to the joy of folding other peoples underwear. But the thumb didn't heal. It actually got bigger and then my skin started to split and get all zombie looking. Thursday night I was in agony. Off I went to the ER by myself. 

The ER was a slow and painful process. The waiting room was certainly the worst part. Me and another lady had to ask the attendant to turn the TV channel twice! They were playing the most inappropriate material. In fact I have and three nightmares about a child abuse case that was featured on a news show they played since then. Why would they put that on? But I digress - Once I was actaully seen I was surprised to find out that apparently to remove old splinters you get injected with tons and tons of nerve stunting juice and the doc just cuts right in and stitches you up later. The diagnosis was actaully quite bad and the doc was surprised I didn't come in earlier. I'll have antibiotics for a spell and have to go back to have the stitches removed. Technically a rogue splinter removal =Surgery #2. 

Friday my husband had is deformed foot re-operated on to remove screws that the doc put in originally. Surgery #3. The screws were loose. [ insert over used jokes here]  The surgery actaully went smoothly and Ft Belvoir has the most beautiful new hospital I have even seen. The only downer is that it is just a little over an hour away and S had to be there at 6:00am. So off we went just before five to get him there. I dropped him off then we had to come all the way back to bring C to school. Once I got C to school I drove all the way back to be with S. I spent over 5 hours in the car all before noon. Anyway - when it was time for S to be discharged a nurse told me to get my car and wait at the front doors for him, an escort would take him down. So I got the car and waited only to be approached my a guard... 

This is where the breakdown happens. Suddenly I realize that I have been running on empty all week. I wonder why my neighbor let me trick-or-treat with her kids (who I am very fond of actaully) and stayed in her car with her boyfriend, I wonder why another parent is using me to watch her kids, I wonder how on earth I am going to heal from my broken bones if physical therapy is canceled, I wonder how on earth we are going to pay for C's tooth extraction, I wonder if S will really heal from surgery this time, I wonder how on earth I am going to cope with the in-laws here next week, I wonder why my back still hurts - maybe it is not PMS?Then there is the whole S / fitness deal - will he get a waiver? Can he loose two more inches? Will we ever have pizza again? Am I going to have bad dreams about child abusers all week? I am so deep in thought that when the guard says "how long are you planning to stay here? I could give you a ticket, it is a no parking zone." That I start to heave and the hugest tears start to fall and I just loose it.

The tears are falling fast and I don't even know what I tried to say but the guard felt so bad that he didn't give me a ticket and told me everything was going to be alright I just needed to move my car. He even started asking if S would be alright and if the injury was really bad. Huh? I thought - but then I couldn't really correct him either, I was ugly crying and could barely see to drive. I parked in a near by lot and just kept crying. Some one knocked on my window to see if I needed help. Some kid walking past with his mother said "mom there is a big lady in there crying." Great - now I am big fatty bawling my eyes out I thought. I couldn't stop. Eventually the phone rang and I went to get S at the door, but I was still crying and my face was bright red. We went home and even though he was the one who had surgery I am the one who need recovering.

Today is a new day. C had CCD this morning and then we volunteered with the Scouts. We delivered empty grocery bags to our neighbors for them to fill up next weekend with donated food to a local food bank. Next week we'll go around and pick up any donations. But for today we just walked, sipped on hot coco, and picked up peoples newspapers for them while we stuck bags under their doormats. It was a nice morning.

This afternoon I am heading out to do a little shopping and pick up some movies for a family night. We aren't going anywhere important and we don't have any plans other than church tomorrow. The in-laws won't be here until Monday night and I've got plenty of ideas to keep them happy. Obviously that is a joke - but I can dream.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Annual Thanksgiving Review

 I am sure I've posted about this in years past, but it stands for repeating. Also the story seems to get better with age.  Bear with me, Its long.

I actaully don't love Thanksgiving. [Insert Gasp Here]. Seriously, we spend days cooking and cleaning then the whole family, if you are lucky, squeezes around the table and inhales for like twenty minutes. Then there is the football nap, kids always get in trouble because they are bored, and someone always makes you turn the parade off. Oh - and I don't really like turkey. Oh - and often times you have a rouge uncle who says the prayer and starts crying - that part is mildly entertaining. Which brings me to the funniest most humiliating and weird Thanksgiving ever. You may need to sit down for this one. (Names have remained the same - sorry family something just seemed lost in translation with initials.)

A few years ago my parents came down and we all headed to Uncle Jeff's. Uncle Don and Cynthia were there too. It was actaully pretty awesome to see everyone and the football game wasn't so boring because Jeff's boys were there and Nick loved playing with Cooper. I thought that part was fun. 

Ellen and Jeff somehow had miss judged the turkey and we ended up eating pretty late at night I want to say it was almost 8:00. Anyway Ellen was putting food on the table and Jeff calls out "Turkey Time" or something equally goofy. And we all find seats around the tables. Jeff's house is pretty big, so we just had a few tables end to end to accommodate everyone. As everyone sits Ellen gets on Jeff to say grace but Uncle Don stops her and proceeded to explain that he'd like to say a few words. Being good Catholics Scott, Cooper and I expect the usual "God is Good..." and do the sign of the cross and lower our heads. Then we hear all this clinking and realize my parents are EATING! Mom was serving herself some sort of weird Jello mold and dad was chowing down on Sweet Potato casserole. 

Next Don pipes in with the sappiest story in history that he got ... wait for it ... off an email chain. On and on he goes reading, crying, telling us how this relates to us and how we should all be thankful for soldiers in the middle east. At this point I couldn't tell if Jeff was crying or laughing. My sister was busting a gut. Her whole body was shaking trying to hold it in. My husband was just looking around the room like - "You gotta be kidding me" and there are my parents eating. They ate and ate and Don read and read - While he cried and cried. Poor Ellen was still standing up holding this huge plate of turkey. My sister had started snorting at this point as she was still hopelessly trying not to the laugh and the awkwardness of family togetherness. Scott and I at some point opted to stop the bowing of the heads (as did some others) only to notice that the somber reading was very touching and even one of the girls was a little teary eyed. And then as if a gift from God, Don shuts up. Then Uncle Jeff says a real blessing and announces that it is time to eat. 

This is almost 20 minutes after we sit down to an 8:00 dinner. Then the phone rings, it is for Ellen - she goes to talk and takes the turkey with her. But she returned in just a few minutes. Needless to say my parents had started every dish with in reach and were already done eating. Missy had to excuse herself due to severely swallowed giggles. Cooper was asking to go to bed. The teens were inhaling the food. Don was probably still crying. Ellen was still getting stuff out of the kitchen and my parents are clearing their plates. Scott leans over and whispers. "I thought your pop was going to chew off his own arm." Then I loose it, I start laughing and cannot hold it in. I pass the dishes to the left and load up on whatever is passed to me, all while laughing. 

Ellen's sweet potato casserole was to die for. I was so glad it's 'home station' was near my plate. It was just far enough away from my parents that they only, out of respect, reached for it a few times during the prayers, so there was plenty left and no one seemed to care that I had thirds on that. In the end it was a great dinner. We stayed around the table for hours after cleaning up and were really having fun. But man, every time I think about my parents eating during grace I just have to shake my head. I cannot believe I made it through my teenage years with them. They are masters at embarrassing you at key life moments.

As stated previously, my life really could be a sitcom.

Spectacles. All of us.