Surrender

It is amazing how crappy a few days of bitching can leave me. Some people might actaully feel better once they've 'vented' - me, I always feel worse. I feel awful about everything that has transpired in the last few weeks. I'm up one minute and then crashing the next. Normally I would drown myself in Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream. This time however, I am playing Game On with my family and cannot eat junk except on my day off once a week & more so, Turkey Hill may have changed their formula a little bit because there isn't near enough peanut butter in that tub of goodness that there use to be. 

In the last twenty four hours I have yelled at my husband, scared my neighbor, welcomed my in-laws, and shopped til I dropped. The later has put me in a slightly better mood. But here I am still bitching and not feeling the light, being my own stumbling block, and wishing things were different without really doing anything about anything. I am sort of at a stand still of the injustice of life. I want to yell and scream that this isn't fair and I want to take my ball an go home. 

I feel so defeated. Even today while in a parent teacher meeting at school all I could say is "I know, he is" or "I am aware of that yes." I felt so exhausted when the teacher said "He back-talks." I felt entirely too defensive when they said "He needs more small group interaction" I wanted to yell back - "Hello, you are the school." And when I was asked if we were reading at home I felt horribly indignant. Of course we read, we read about a gazillion pages of the worst Hardy Boys & Star Wars books on the planet every day. But I just answered yes and relented that we could add a Q&A session after we read a chapter. Sure, that should zap the fun out of it. I missed any good comments while steaming over the above. Old Chinese proverb: If Jamie goes in with a shitty attitude, Jamie leaves craving more ice cream."

I have a disease.