Monday, May 16, 2011

Proof of Disaster

I certainly must still have some hope that it all worked because I am freaking out over here! Today after baseball practice I let C go to the playground with the rest of his team. I was there watching as all these kids were racing between two play sets playing a rousing game of dinosaur tag. Suddenly I saw C and one of his friends run past the second play area. I ran to catch up with them and corral them back. 

IVF rule: No strenuous exercise. NO RUNNING.

I could actaully feel my ovaries bouncing around in there, after all they are still larger than normal. Then I had some major cramping. Freaking out.

S called and I was just a mess talking to him. Of course I know I am being irrational. I jogged only about 25 yards. But still the tears were flowing. I have been trying so hard to follow every rule and recommendation, even the silliest of the silliest. But an important one I just forgot about. Granted I was a mom on a mission: Safety first. 
Then there is my mother-in-law...

My mind has been going over a conversation I had with her today. As much as I tell myself she means well and only wants the best of the best for us I can't shake her words. "Well if things don't work the way you planned it is okay, you already have one and he is really a lot of work and needs all of your attention." "Some families were just meant to stay small." "It isn't like you could handle 10 or 12 kids anyway." She also added a whole slew of unhelpfulness by saying classic phrases such as, don't you just hate when people who shouldn't even have kids have them, this so isn't fair, besides you just never know what you are going to get it could be really bad, and if you barely handled the bloating from OHSS than how would you even handle being pregnant? But the OHSS could have been replaced by anything, if you can't handle X than maybe shouldn't even want to try to accomplish Y and Z. 

This year I have actaully done a good job of being a good daughter-in-law. L has actaully done a good job of being a great mother-in-law. Today I was just sensitive and had a hard time hearing things that I have heard from people over the last 12 years. I am not a bad person because I want more children. I am not a bad person because we have one very loved child. And I am sorry but I couldn't talk her through our problems without feeling overwhelmed. "No mom, it isn't fair, but that is fine. There isn't anything we can do about that aspect and it has been a lot of years for us to be okay with that." "C will always have our attention, he isn't too much work, he is a great kid and we are committed parents." "If I could have 12 kids I would in a heart beat but right now we are just trying to stay hopeful for one more." "I really can handle being pregnant, I look forward to it."

I am so teary eyed. Hormones. Err.

 And since I am just not that thrilled at the moment let me just add another rant: I lent my friend my car. She is moving to Germany in two weeks and had to ship hers. I completely offered more than once and wanted to help out. Yesterday I went out of my way to bring the car to her in DC. I wanted to go. Today she calls me to ask a question about the heated seats- she couldn't find the switch and was pretty much burning her biscuits. (I found that kind of funny) Then she proceeds to tell me that it is a good car but probably needs some shocks. It isn't really a secret, the car is 12 years old, I bought it really cheap and it only has to last us until the end of this year, but it is dependable and I had it serviced a few weeks ago knowing I was going to lend it out. I want my friend to use it, I want to help her. But can I just add that it just erks me when you lend something to someone and they point out the faults.  

Once I lent this guy I worked with my old Jetta and he came back and said that my clutch was going. I was like "really, it wasn't this morning." Jackass. Another time I let a friend use my carpet cleaner and she called to tell me that the filter was sort of smelly. Annoying - plus she returned it full of cat hair! Another time, many moons ago, we lent a friend our lawn mower and he returned it saying that it cut to low and kept kicking up rocks. Nothing wrong with the mower dude, adjust the level by using the lever next to the wheel, or better yet return it with a broken blade like you did.

If I could think of more wounds to open and add salt too I would continue. As stated earlier: Hormones. Err.


Tiffany said...

I can't believe all those experiences you've had with lending your stuff out. How annoying! Some people just don't get it.... And I'm sorry about the convo with your MIL, you obviously have every right to feel what you are feeling!

Jamie said...

HEY, we should chat sometime and be hormonal together!!! LOL Hormones are good ;) I can't believe the stuff L said to you! Unreal!!! Some people need to learn to keep their mouth shut! C is NOT hard to handle- you are doing a great job and will do wonderfully w/another baby and will love being pregnant! Grrr

Becca B said...

I was going to say every single thing Jamie said. Being pregant is hard, but so is life. And I loved being pregnant and so will you. We all know how MIL loves to pile on the guilt and negativity. You are the best mom, friend, and wife and C is a great kid. Don't let L make the hormones worse. Geez, she should see how D has been the last week. And the old saing if oyu have nothing good to say, say nothing at all, certinly applies to bothe these things ;)