Therapy Session

Life is really not fair. Certainly this is not a new revelation and is far from actual insight but it is an obvious truth that I like to forget. Life sucks. It isn't funny, or overly kind, and sometimes I think that the little hamsters running around and around get farther in this world than a lot of people I know. Cynical.


I cannot really expel all the details of the last few days but it has been a whirl wind.

I have a dear family member who is brave, smart, wonderful, successful, funny, & sadly miserable filled with real fears and depressions that don't go away. It isn't fair to say that I can identify with their struggles or that I know the entire extent of their difficulties. They are in the hospital and maybe for some time. I am not even suppose to know these tid bits and I suppose the 'how' of that information is just too much for now. The long and short of my point tonight is this could be me. I feel guilty about turning their horrible situation into my own. But I am so scared that I am not going to be okay.

Another family member on S's side, is in ICU. Last Thursday he drank himself into a coma and was found my his mom. He is 28. He is really handsome, the looker of the family, he acts sweet and a little shy, seems smart and full of whit. But, I don't honestly know him well. Sadly that side of the family isn't close. Anyway he is out of his coma and talking. He expressed to his mom that he didn't want anyone to know - but we all do. He might go to a day treatment / detox type of therapy treatment when he gets out of the hospital. I am worried for him. I don't like alcohol, if I did, there might be a problem like this. Heck - I am already wishing for happy pills what is the difference?

My mother has been complaining about being broke. I could go on for an hour, but really that is the point. She ordered a new water heater - theirs is leaking. While seeing my cousin C today I mentioned that I was tired of hearing my parents money woes and she laughed and said, "Grandma paid for the water heater". I don't think that is true. We have a rat in the family causing trouble and animosity and I have a gut feeling this is her dirty work.

The rat is in back in good graces with others. I can't do it. I can't handle it. I don't understand, and I want to just curl up into that old window and cry. Yet another thing that is too long for tonight. But I might have to elaborate later. It took me years to get to the other side always holding out hope that the rat wasn't a rat - but a straw finally broke the camels back and for me there is no going back. I have no other grudges, no other hates, no hidden agenda. I don't need people on my side. There is no feud, no fight, no issues to stand on a soap box for - it is what it is. I just don't understand why the others jumped ship. My mother in particular, acting as if the rat isn't a rat, even if it is just in front of her mother.

It is a no wonder I am depressed and confused. I feel like I am wearing a mask. Be happy J, Be okay, Be positive, Believe in God J, It's all for a reason, - ummmm - No, everything sucks and it isn't fair, but I can't just say that now can I? No I have to make everyone else happy - GEE WONDER WHERE I GET THAT FROM - MOM!?!?!?!?!?!? Of course everyone else has problems of their own. I can't just cling to them. Even S is having a rough time. Although I have told him all of this in detail. He thinks I should just come home early. There is no question - I should have.

Classic - right? Blame your mother. Well, really that isn't the problem. Mom has been the same since I was a kid. She is a faker. She lies. She pleases. She agrees with whom ever is near. She is sweet and nice and sort of goofy. She likes to tell stories where she is the hero and the poor schlep that didn't make out in the end. Sort of a martyr meets Gandhi with a PHD. She white lies her way through social situations and just tries to make us all happy - while being completely oblivious to social graces. I don't think I can even finish this part - the point is - I don't blame her - I am just awed by the craziness of the week. To her defense she can relate to my situation.

My mother explained that she was just as displaced as I feel when she miscarried a few times in the 70's. However, she told me one huge whopper of a story about a D&C she had in her 20's and I just wanted to shake her. She told me how awful she felt, how she questioned God, and how she was tired of people saying it was God's choice and when she went to the hospital she was bombarded with people trying to comfort her with this type of phrase over and over. She got so upset that [and here is the whopper] that after the last nurse came in room at dinner time and tried to comfort her she lost it and stood up on her bed and started screaming. The doctor didn't make it in until midnight and she was still standing on the bed screaming at the top of her lungs.

Err - Grandma is lighting up - I am going upstairs - I might be back.

30 minutes later:

I am curled up in bed. C is at his cousins house for the night and I have the guest room / my old room - all to myself. I love this room, I wish I could take it with me. These days it is a lot nicer than when I was a teenager, but it is always my room. The family got in the habit years ago of calling it the 'yellow room' because my mother put this awful sun bright yellow carpet in here. About two years ago my parents revamped the house, adding siding, a new roof, and two new peeks to the front with windows. These two peeks added a window to each bedroom and now my old room has five windows. I love it. There is sunlight all day and you don't need a lamp until it is dark. It feels nice and comfortable. There is no more yellow carpet and the walls are still in primer - Mom lost the momentum to decorate up here once the construction was done. But, in all fairness, I don 't like her taste in that stuff, so I prefer this, plain and unobtrusive. I am sure everyone really cares about my room. Back to my therapy session.

So, the last few days have just been crazy. Tonight I was talking to S and just wanted to talk for hours. But eventually we had to hang up. Dinner was ready here and more relatives had just shown up for the big graduation and party tomorrow. I had to talk myself out of a full blown crying fit just before the spaghetti was served. I was late for dinner. I am not a panic attack type of person, but in that moment I swore I was on the cusp of loosing control.

I felt a tight weight around my chest. I couldn't catch my breath and I could not focus my thoughts to one topic. I was about just crawl into bed and pretend I never heard my mother scream "J Dinner's ready!" I wanted to go home, be alone, be with S, and just stop feeling this way right then - I didn't want to wait. Then I was thinking about my relative in the hospital and how I am going to be next. I don't' know what she is going through or what she feels, but if it is anything like this - then she must be dying on the inside. Sadly, it is probably worse for her. After 20 minutes on the bathroom floor with a wet wash cloth pressed to my face I finally caught my breath. My eyes were swollen and my nose was red, but I was able to wash my face, brush my hair and look somewhat presentable. Eventually I joined the family. Faking a smile and even playing a game with my parents, uncle, aunt, and my cousins, which was fun. Some of the fake smile actually turned real for awhile.

Once the game was over I talked with my sister and was thinking of heading to her house for the night. Then I realized as soon as it was quiet again I was going to fall apart. I could fall apart on her, she can help. She can take it all in and feel bad and still be supportive and not say crappy things that actually hurt. But, I can't actually talk. I can't say it out loud. I can't just talk about it. I cannot say the words again - I can't feel it.

So here I am falling apart.

This isn't even everything. I managed a school concert for my little cousins today and a visit with them. I went shopping with my mom and grandmother yesterday, and my sister today. But in all of that, more craziness ensued. Although my time with my sister was golden. She has some good insights about our parents and life in general.

Over a C's house today I could tell she was a mess. She's worried about our family member, she is pissed at the rat, or at least seemed to be, she is fretting about the family and loosing our grandfather and she feels like she needs to be the strong one. I had no words for her. I am normally so good and the encouragements and practical advise, but today all I could manage was a meek "I wish I knew what to say." I meant it.

The rat is making it sound like Grandpa is going to die next week. He is having surgery to repair an aneurysm in his heart. It is really a common procedure amongst the elderly but Grandpa isn't exactly healthy. I think it has been about six years since the stroke and he isn't recovered to say the least. Tonight while he was heading up to be I said "see you tomorrow Grandpa." He responded with a grim "hope so."

I don't know if I should even post all this. What happened to the kind of funny part about this blog? I need sleep, preferably for thirty-six to forty-eight hours worth. I have to settle for five and a half.