Dinner

I've made mistake and want to go home. Granted, tomorrow I might bipolar my way back to normal, but right now I just want to be in my own house.

I had dinner at the W's tonight. They were on their best behavior. (Sorry RB - I know you already heard this) But L kept asking about IVF and the pregnancy. It might not have been so bad if all the questions were at once, but it was spread out over the course of five hours, sneaking up on me just when I thought we were back to talking about family or the weather or worse - the birds in their back yard. I don't like birds - they are loud, they poop indiscriminately, and they are rather creepy looking. The W's love them and have all kids of feeders to attract different kids of the flying beasts. But I digress, back to being depressed and sad... The baby talk was horrible. L just kept trying to get me to agree that this was God's plan. Not my God!

When I was leaving L gave me a stack of paperbacks - we always swap - and she says "I have to warn you, in this one there is a teen pregnancy, but don't worry it doesn't work out. " WHAT???? Do you think it is okay that a baby didn't survive if it was a teen mother? Really? I don't get it. The best bet people - if you don't know what to say, SHUT UP!

I do get that she means the best. I do get that everyone means the best - even my little cousin who said yesterday "so I hear your pregnant?" her mother almost choked. Am I that fragile? Apparently so, because I just want to go home.

While I am at it. How is it that the whole house smells like smoke even though Grandma is out on the porch? How is it that I feel so alone in a huge house with a so many people in it? How is it that all I want to do is sleep - but have just been laying there for hours? How is it that I just let my kid watch the othersiders on Cartoon Network - a show about kids ghost hunting? (so not appropriate!) How is it that I am so sad and just numb too? How is it that I am going to be okay for a big family event this weekend? How is it that don't have anymore painkillers - but still have pain? How is that I stop hemorrhaging for a day and then it just comes right back?

I know. I know. It just hurts that's all, and until dinner I did a better job of faking it.