It's Been Awhile

Understatement. 

And "What?" you ask is the reason for the big return ... angst, general disgust, with a peppering of annoyance, anger, flustered aggravation and of course disdain for the the general public. Also I finally think I figured out how to stay logged into blogger. 

Everything has actaully been going well lately. The family is good. Work is okay/good, although Dr. baby face is getting on my nerves - but still things are running smoothly. Perhaps actually things have been too hunky dory. One stupid fact has proven to be my undoing. Suddenly I can see all the things I've been very good at ignoring for the past months. 

I found out what someone's income is. It is more than triple of what S and I make together. Once I learned the number it is like a veil of blissful ignorance has been lifted. With in just a few days of work I began to realize I cannot keep working where I am and making what I do if I ever want to retire - ever. I make peanuts compared to other hospital systems. I have a huge degree and I am a receptionist. So there's that. I've become down on myself for no valid reason. The downward spiral starts here. 

Next I have been spotting the waddle. I swear I can tell a women is pregnant before a flipping blood test can. Last night in Khol's there had to be ten pregnant ladies in the shoe department alone. Deep dark angst starts here. The obvious: I am not pregnant. And at this point I don't think my chances are that great. I so want to try again - but we still have bills from the last four rounds. See the downward spiral beginnings above.

S has been and is going to continue to travel a ton. Daycare through the summer is a headache and a half. Summer camp starts at 7:30 in the morning. I am already an hour into my work day by that time and I cannot go in late. I've arranged for another parent to pick C up in the morning; and am just praying it all works out. Moreover I still feel like C could walk to camp! You can see it from our house. I am not kidding. If you look out our back door across hole 2 of the darn golf course you can see the community center where he goes to camp. General disdain and annoyance start here and just keep escalating to anger.

I need a deep breath, a Diet Coke, and a better plan. I've been making lists and countdowns but with no real plan of action. How can I expect to make more money if I do not seek it out? How can I expect to be pregnant if I do not make an appointment at my own darn place of work? How can daycare get easier - well that one is a fucking mystery to me and might always be.