Monday, April 25, 2011

Whole Again

I am such a dork. Seriously, I really missed my blog. Facebook, I joked caused withdraw symptoms, but was actaully easy, the blog not so much. For a few day I was emailing myself posts and then I realized that wasn't helping me. Just finding a loop hole in which turned my personal "sacrifice" into a personal pain in the ass wasn't my intention. The problem with emails was the negative attitude that was attached and since my goal was to find a positive mindset it was painfully obvious that the entire idea of saving posts for later was completely self sabotaging. All that being said; I missed my cynical self ... sort of.

My Lenten promise really did work. I found all these great tools for relaxing and staying in a positive mindset. The self help section of the library became a regular stop in my weekly visits. I read books upon books of finding calm in chaos. I dove into multiple books on the success boosters of IVF and dealing the hard part of infertility and the joys. Round 3 is going to be so much better.

Here are a few little tidbits I didn't even know about myself. I cry for happy stuff but hardly ever for sad. When things are tough I make a list and stick to it, not looking up, left or right until I am at the end. I don't really deal with the issue on an emotional level; instead I clean, I blog about hating Walmart, or update myself on TV that I've already watched. Until I began making an effort to learn a better way of handling the tough stuff I had no idea how clueless I really was.

Case in point: We've been through IVF Two different times so far (we're on round 3 now) and I had  NEVER read one pamphlet, book, email, blog, or medical handout about it. I am good with the medical part of it, I know what it is and how it works and from there I just figured it is what it is and just trudged through process like a robot, only doing what the nurses and doctors said. I had one really good friend going through it too and we did talk to each other about it, I had a few other friends that knew, but that was it. We kept it to ourselves and just hoped and prayed. Basically I isolated myself not necessarily from all people but also from the information that was available; the idea that there are hundreds of thousands if not millions of woman who have been there and know.

This time is different. It is more stressful; life is just generally more hectic; but I am okay with. Over all I think I lost the HUGE chip on my shoulder that was IVF. Looking back it seems like I was on that path but by making time and effort to circumvent the negativity I made huge strides.

Cynical self: That's hope it stays that way :)

1 comment:

Becca B said...

I loved reading about your journey of self discovery. It is something I need to try. I know where my weakness lies, its just facing those fears. I am the total oppisite. I cry out of fustration, fear and sadness. And have to hide it.

I am praying so hard for you and I am here anytime you want to vent. You totaly embraced the true meaning and sprit of lent and I am in awe of that.