Thursday, July 7, 2011


Well, it has been a sad, interesting and disheartening couple of days. Saying farewell to my Grandma was hard. The end of an error really; now my mom and my mother's sister and brother are the heads of the family. To quote my aunt "now there is a big gaping hole." I feel it. 

Along with the two wakes, the funeral, the family gatherings in between and after, and 'shopping' in my grandmother's house I am mentally drained. It amazes me what people will say and do in the aftermath. The wakes were sad. We were in the same funeral home as my grandfather just a short time ago. Thank God my cousins were there. M, my sister, was too of course but she was a mess; and my heart almost fell completely out of my chest when I saw her crying. C, my oldest cousin was there and I am very thankful. She is the one who knows that I get more afraid of these situations than sad and she is the one who can crack a joke just under her breath so that I am the only one to hear - and vice-versa. Anyway; the happenings at these events were manageable but just sad. It was the shopping that has shook me.

In between the wakes everyone went back to my grandmothers house for lunch and to pour over old family pictures. It was meant to lift the spirits and remember the best of times, and for the most part, it worked. Until my aunt N, who is a very lovely women and so sweet, asked me to take a look around and jot down anything I wanted. I knew this was coming, but it felt so weird. So after choosing a few small memorable items my aunt urged me to choose something else because if we didn't take it it would just go to an auction. I asked if I could have my grandmother's bedroom set. It is very nice, not antique or anything just a nice set that if we gave C, would last him until he was married and beyond. So that went on my list. Months from now everyone's lists will be divided up and the value of what we chose will be taken out of our respective parents inheritance. Once all the bills, taxes, and dust have settle we can go to NJ and pick up our treasures. 

It was weird. What was even stranger was that another aunt (G) was urging S to pick stuff out. And he felt really out of place and didn't want to. Even odder was that G shouldn't have been telling anyone to take anything. My mother's brother R and his wife, my aunt N, are the executors of the estate, they are running the show. Without getting into even more family business than one needs to know but with certainly crossing the family privacy line. S and I speculate that G wanted us to beef up our lists because she wants some big ticket items from the estate. The more S and I choose, the more money that would come out of my mother's portion. Sounds crappy doesn't it. Why do I even care, why do I even know this stuff? In grief people do and say things that just don't make sense. One thing G did was to tell people she wanted my Grandmother's car but only if it was valued at 10K or less because she knows she could sell it for 15K. But that isn't how it is suppose to work, you don't make money of someones death. It is all just so disheartening.

None of the shopping made me feel anything but greedy and upset. Hearing what the other grand kids chose, and hearing what was left was awful. And as odd as Aunt G was she was the one who suggested I take the curio cabinet in the dining room. Which if I remember right she is the only one who knows that I helped my grandfather pick out more than half of the little crystal figures in there. My grandmother's birthday was in the summer and I always seemed to be the one visiting the week before and grandpa would take me out to help him shop. One year Aunt G had driven me down to NC where they lived for a short time and she and I went with grandpa to pick out a bear for the cabinet. That part is all very sentimental. That is until I heard someone say that the crystal is very expensive and this lump started to form in my throat. Maybe it all is just a ploy to get more money in column A than B or C. I hate thinking that way. 

There is more. And I pretty sure I blogged about it before but kept the post private. Well, to sum up, a few weeks ago I went to my cousin's (3 of them) graduations from high school. In the middle of the ceremony I got a call from a family member telling me about another family member's surprising pregnancy and  sudden miscarriage. I was horrified that she'd call me over it. I was trying to be nice and supportive and concerned but all I could do was listen and try to get her off the phone. There I was just finding out that we were not pregnant, AGAIN, and very sick and I was suppose to support someone who seemed to be relieved that someone else had a miscarriage. I just kept thinking that no miscarriage is a good thing - ever - no matter what people think. It was too much to handle and after the ceremony I was basically sobbing to my parents over it. (they drove) Anyway, I got a real apology at the funeral. A real heartfelt, kind, and thoughtful apology. My mouth was pretty much open for catching flies but I accepted the apology and said my thanks. Honestly I don't think anyone has really apologized for being an ass in this form to me before. I am still not sure how to take it all, other to forgive and let live.

I so need this vacation coming up. I have no plans to do anything other than lay on the beach and have fun with our friends.

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