Wednesday, September 14, 2011

On A Tirade

I am mad; not just a little annoyed but really upset. I am angry with C and S. I am angry at Walter Reed for not calling with follow up. I am angry at the stupid Power Wheels for not working when someone came to buy it. I am mad at our house for being so cramped. I am outraged at the amount of paperwork and bills I have to sort through. And to top it all off; I am mad that after a week of dieting I weigh the same. I am so POed that when one of my BFFs called last week, I ranted for like 25 minutes before I asked, So how are you? And no I do not have my period, I was just that overwhelmed with it all. 

The highlight real will most likely encourage me to start drinking the sauce so I will just piss and moan about the major one ... my husband. [ Disclaimer: He is amazing. I love him. He loves me. The sex is great. We're a good team. Yada, Yada, Yada ] He infuriates me sometimes. I have been working my butt of the last two weeks to clean out the house and purge the un-needed items. I had a huge yard sale. Me, not him. I dragged all the furniture outside, priced it all, set up the tables, and got up while it was still dark out to do so. S set up a small area of his baseball cards and golf balls. He helped me move the freezer from one side of the sidewalk to other and took a few sales. He made us some money, sure, but the heavy lifting and responsibility was mine. And that was okay with me, it was my yard sale not his. 

What is not okay with me is his asshole-ed-ness about getting rid of stuff. His judgemental and selfish attitude about material stuff to me is unfathomable. It is just stuff. Nothing is priced right for him. He gets mad if I give stuff away. He doesn't really think we should get rid of most it. He cringes when I want to donate stuff to the Good Will. He says things like "oh geez" and "ahh, I don't know about that" when I try to change anything. He is the one who tells me we are due for orders. He is the one who admits we have too much stuff. He is the one who keeps saying he wants to get rid of stuff. (And I totally agree, and say the same things) Yet he seems to always be there with a criticisms. 

Just last night I had a lady coming over to buy some toys. One was a Power Wheels car and the other a tent. I told S that if she buys the car I was going to give her the tent. And he argued with me. The tent was marked $5.00. The car was $75.00. I was so mad. Just the icing on the cake. At every turn there is resistance. (in the end I only sold the tent because the car stopped working - go figure - I was actaully pretty embarrassed.) Nothing is good enough, nothing is right. 

Oh and there is plenty more. After all this cleaning and purging there is a pile of crap the Good Will won't even take. A broken coffee table, a crib mattress, gross and disgusting outdoor items, and the likes were just sitting on the curb. The city does do a Fall Clean Up in October, where they will come through and take your big items, but it is still 5 weeks away and we have all this stuff now. So I called the city to find out how to get rid of all this stuff and they told me I could pay a small fee ($35.00) and they would come by any day and pick up anything and everything. I was thrilled. That is really cheap. So I piled even more stuff out there and bagged up what I could. 

By the time S got home from work there was a mountain of garbage out there. I was pretty proud of my accomplishments, I had cleaned out the front shed - really cleaned it out - not just reorganize the same crap, I had picked up the back yard - got rid of ripped tarps and a kiddie pool, I was on fire. But nope, that wasn't good enough either. S doesn't want to spend the $35.00. He wants up to wait until the clean up day with the city. So this morning I hauled all this stuff back into our back yard, piled it as high as the fence and condensed as much trash as possible to go out with the normal pick up. I called the city and canceled our bulk pick up. Now there is a pile of pure shit in our backyard. And in case you were wondering, I still have a broken arm.

I was so mad last night that I could feel my pulse racing through my body. I do not think I have ever been that angry about so many different things. And I am still just that upset. There is more to the story with S. He called yesterday to say that the orders he was expecting from New Mexico were denied and he has to go on a short tour next. He was having a really bad day. A short tour means he goes to Korea for 1 year or some other remote assignment without C and I. My heart sank in my chest when I heard this. Even though you know it could happen, it still surprises you when it does. But to my credit, I kept it light, I said that everything was going to be okay, we'd work it out, that C and I support you (S) no matter what, that we can handle it and he doesn't have to worry about us - just work on getting the best remote for his career that he can and that we'll be here when he gets home. 

There was a mini argument between this next one. All you need to know really is that I was right. It was about 6:30, C and I just got home and dinner wasn't even started. The dog was barking, the kid was yelling, S was on the computer, the doorbell was ringing, and I still had my keys in my hands. It was mass chaos. As if all this craziness wasn't enough once dinner was actaully cooked and we ate the boys wanted more and I had only made enough for one serving each. So they were heating up more. We were just watching TV anyway so we paused it and I quickly went to the computer to remove my Power Wheels ad from Craigslist, only to find out that C had been in a fight on the school bus (my email is my start page). So then S and I had to argue about how that was handled. 

Later that night once he was home and C was in bed we talked about it a little more and that is when  it all just fell to shit. I asked S when he'd go and he said March. I suggested that if that happens, C and I could stay here until the end of the school year and then move back to Massachusetts for the remainder of the time. S freaked. He certainly doesn't want that. He was acting like that was in stone or something and making accusations like "It sounds like that it what you really want to do" as if I wasn't considering his opinion or if we could even make that work. We were just talking in what ifs. I tired to explain my suggested option by saying I'd like the opportunity to explore that option, and asking him to see this from my point of view;  I am scared, he might be gone for an entire year and I have no one here. My friends have moved and my family lives 8 hours away. I only have a part time job and no real ties. Furthermore C won't have a dad around, and I thought his God Father and his grandfathers would be good for him. S's reply "don't you think I am scared too?"  Asshole, you totally missed my point. Your right - it is all about you, sorry I forgot to stroke your fucking ego for two seconds. But that isn't what I said. I just placated the situation and asked that we wait until he actaully has orders before we make any plans and I suggested we just watch TV and relax.

This is too much to handle. Is it so wrong to want a cleaner house, a kid that doesn't get in fights, a husband that can just let me be right without a fight, and to not just be heard but understood and validated? Apparently so.

1 comment:

Becca B said...

Swettie...I can so relate. I always have to hide my feelings and if i don't walk around with a fake smile i am a mega bitch. T has a stark response for everything, we have to deal! Yeah! I am dealing so much I am sinking in my own tears and he can't stop for a second and see it from my point of view. Men don't want to make the decisions, they don't want to be the bad guy and it always has to be about them. The positive i picked up is that you love him. In my case I question my love, I have too much resentment. I feel like i am a shell, or a actor in a bad sitcom. All my prayers and love. And a big hug!!!!! I just want your arm to get better and your stress to subside. Maybe when the newness of his perdicament wears off he wil be able to discuss. I am always here for you!!!! Luv You