Sunday, November 15, 2009

You Never Know Just How Filthy Your House Is ...

until your husband attempts to cook.

This morning S made breakfast. He didn't have the exhaust fan on and proceeded to cook bacon, eggs and burnt pancakes. First the fire alarms went off. The first ones were just little beeps, no biggie. Then the load ones kicked in and then the house alarm started in with a piercing noise that also had a voice yelling FIRE there is SMOKE AND FIRE EVACUATE. Is scared S so much the first time it went off that he dropped a pan that had grease in it on a burner and some flames went up. Finally we go all the windows and doors open, the fans on, and the detectors turned off. However I was stuck with my hands over the speakers on the house alarm because it was so loud. The golfers on the course behind the house were starting to stare and one guy was even squinting and putting his hand over his eyes trying to see in our house! LOL - what a sight we must have been. Finally I realized that the alarm was connected to a small motion detector in the other room and had S jump in and keep the alarm covered and I grabbed a broom and started waving it in front of the mini motion detector. Finally after five minutes of blaring noise we could breath. It was crazy!

Eventually we sit down to breakfast and S says "well hunny, I wanted you to sleep late, relax, feel refreshed and not have to worry about the cooking, so enjoy" We both were laughing pretty good at that. In the end the meal was pretty good and we had a nice family breakfast together - which doesn't happen all that often, so I was thankful. After breakfast I ventured upstairs and watched TV - trying to dull a pounding headache. The headache wasn't a result of all the alarms, I actually woke up with it - it is all from my darn jaw.

Anyway... during the day we went shopping. We didn't buy a darn thing, which wasn't the point of shopping, but oh well. Once we got home I noticed everything smelled like bacon and opened a few windows back up - then and settled in and I called my sister. That is when I noticed that the breakfast dishes never got done. YUCK. So I start loading the dishwasher, taking the trash out and picking up the bacon bits left on the counter. Then I noticed that the floor was slippery. Yup, slippery. So when I got off the phone with M, my sister, I took a closer look. It was grease from the bacon! It wasn't just on the kitchen floor it was everywhere - on the counters, the cabinets, it had been tracked into the living room, dining room and the the windows all had a layer of filth on them as well.

GROSS. S cooked the bacon on a flat griddle pan with no cover, which started smoking and the fat was crackling and then the smoke got thicker and thicker and wafted through the house settling on every surface imaginable. I am so thankful that the doors to the bedrooms and the computer room were closed. I got the floors mopped, I went over them three times and may have to go over them once again tomorrow. I wiped down all the cabinets with Spic and Span and peeled off the layer that formed under the stove fan / vent thingy. I got most of the film off the counters and the dining room chairs. I also put down some carpet refresher and baking soda on the carpets and vacuumed those - hopefully I won't smell burnt bacon in the morning when I wake up. At the moment I smell nothing but my dogs raunchy fart - so I am gagging and might possibly keel over in agony any minute.

I saved the windows for tomorrow. What a darn mess. I think in the right conditions we could have had a real fire. I cannot believe we didn't smell it when we were here this morning.

To my dear husband, No more cooking. We'll have cereal when I sleep in. It is okay - really - please - we're good. No more. Thank you, your loving wife.


Kim said...

Keep that guy out of the I hate cooking bacon. Grease splatters everywhere, and is no fun cleaning up. Thanks goodness your house didnt burn down, JK. Bacon smell seems to linger for a long time. I hate when I cook it then go out somewhere and I can smell it on my clothes and hair and wonder if anyone else can smell it

Jamie said...

OH MAN!!! WOW! So glad you actually didn't have a fire! I can't imagine the onlookers from the golf course, lol. I guess S needs to keep his day job and not set foot in the kitchen!