An Open Letter to the Putts

Today, I had an interview. The guys was sort of a putts, a smart putts, but a putts all the same.

Dear Puttsy,

Thank you for meeting with me today. You seem very kind, and easily pushed over - I like that in a potential employer. I also loved hearing about your children, your wife, the salaries of the rest of your employees, and all the general topics you covered while suffering from diarrhea of the mouth. Although your practices are anything but PC or HR friendly I still found your insight and goals for your company with in reach if you hire me.

As we covered in the interview, I am over qualified to the nines, am willing to take a drastic pay cut for my field, and will gladly make my own hours. Your company seems to be offering me a wonderful, mother friendly position. However your puttsy behavior is a slight red flag. You may not be aware that through out the interview you were asking me when I could help, when I could come in, can I work at your home with your wife, can I work from my own home, and asking me if I minded cutting checks. (secretly when you asked me that I was thinking if I worked at home I could cut a lot more then checks) As you continued to tell me what hours you needed me most and when you'd like to see me move from HR rep to full time HR/Sales (so not going to happen) you faltered and I could see that you were in fact, a putts, perhaps a larger one than I originally thought.

You are one who has no clue how to run the actual business paper trail end, who has been winging the process through a good accountant and is afraid to yell Uncle. I could so picture you yelling "Uncle, I quit" when I asked you how you tracked things like EEOC. I totally knew you didn't know what that meant. Then when I asked you if you provided background checks, you so lied. Dude, if you are working in a secure environment and the contracting company requires the check you so need to apply for DCJS. You didn't even know what that meant. I was seriously about to burst a gut laughing, but I didn't - I have great reserve. To add to this fit of giggles I was fighting, I actually shed a tear trying to avoid the snort noise that was building in my throat when I asked you if you applied for 8a yet. I was surprised you knew what that was, but man, that is like area number one. If you want the big contracts, get the big tags. Your wife owns 60% so you are a WOB, 8A, and MOB. You have three huge labels government contracts require - you'd be a shoe in. Wait, maybe I should do your sales, after I apply for your ratings. I'd clean up on commissions.

The bottom line is this, you are running your company into the red because you have insisted on doing all the inside tasks such as payroll, insurance, and paperwork in general yourself. Now that your company has grown, you are upside down in terms of hours because a software engineer is sitting home at night rounding time for payroll when he could be developing websites and software making two hundred bucks an hour. So, you need me - you need someone better than what you are willing pay for.

I also wanted to take a moment to let you know that I enjoyed reviewing your website today. Your home page has multiple spelling errors and grammar mishaps that need to be corrected. You so need someone whose first language is English.

Last thing - I saw you checking out my ass. I find this quite funny since, just a few days ago I was complaining about fixing the rack and having it attach to the back. (maybe you had to be there)

Sincerely,
I'd so work for a putts.