Again

We are snowed in again. I can't believe it. The wind is really blowing and the threat of loosing electric is pretty high. Fortunately we haven't lost anything yet. Everything is closed today including S's work.

You know - just to complain a minute : (ha- like it only lasts a minute) I was home alone with C for an entire week. Then he comes home and sleeps until 11:00 one day 10:00 another and then this morning he didn't get up with C and the pup. What the hell? He'd say I could of slept because C will just go play video games these days, but really I want him to have good breakfast and I don't want him to feel like he is a burden and we don't want to see him in the morning. Today I woke up to "Just go watch cartoons buddy". Really - C doesn't wake me up it is S talking so sternly, he just has an aggravated tone. It crushes my spirit - never mind C's. Which I am sure to that S would reply "ohh he is fine." And while I am at it ...

Yesterday Scott and I took C out to Burger King for lunch. They have playground and we let C play while we finished our lunch. S was really quiet and I asked him a few times if he was okay. Every time I asked something I got a one word answer. He got annoyed and said "you're quiet too." I HATE THAT! I was not, just because I point something out doesn't mean that it applies to me too. I can't say anything some times. If "can you please put the seat down" he says "you aren't always perfect in there either" if I say "don't leave your dishes on the counter" he says "you do it too" if I say "Be nicer" he'll say "you can be pretty rude yourself". So that is it, I am just a nag. A sensitive one. Anyway there was a little more to our conversation including me saying "fine" and him rolling his eyes at me when I stopped talking. In the end we left pretty much in silence.

I was so upset over his reaction to my questioning and attempts at conversation that when we got home I just went upstairs to read. Eventually I just let myself drift off. It didn't really help. S let the phone ring w/o answering it and the dog was barking like crazy outside. So I never really slept, just sort of dozed for a few.

I am so tired of this crap. Trying to find the positive is hard. Why can't he just be nicer? Why can't I just be less sensitive? Well I'll tell you - I can't be less sensitive, it is part of who I am. I think about my feelings and others. I let a lot go, unfortunately it starts to pile up and eventually I just get tired of it. And why can't he be nicer? He'd tell you he is plenty nice and proceed to tell you all the nice things he's ever done. All of which would be true. So it is all me - I am a critical bitch who can't take criticism back.

I let it go after I "woke up", it wasn't worth fighting over it. Still, I found myself all upset over it before I went to bed. I wished I had said something. Maybe then I wouldn't have been tormented with nightmares.

Then again - those could just be seizures according to the one doctor. Unfortunately I haven't had the counseling yet. It has gotten rescheduled due to the snow storms. I can see the session now:

So Jamie, tell me what you think is causing these nightmares ... "Just read my blog"