About six weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend that is haunting me. It has been since the day she said it. She said she "chose God." She gave birth to a beautiful little girl, M, who died at 38 weeks before ever taking a breath. Doctors called it a structural defect, but basically M did a few somersaults that resulted in a very tight knot of her umbilical cord. My friend chose God. She chose to grieve, love, learn, share, and grown in Christ. She chose to take the hard road and not blame anyone.
I am not her. I didn't choose, I just sort of said, well Jesus, thanks but no thanks. And until last night hadn't prayed a prayer in his name other than recited words in church and ones people have requested for get wells, and the likes. So last night, It was nearing midnight and I wanted to go to sleep, but I was really thirsty and the dog had to go outside. So I grabbed a diet coke and went out on the deck. Maggie disappeared into the night chewing sticks and chasing her own tail. I was left with a starry night and my own thoughts. So I prayed my first real prayer since the miscarriage. I was really crying and sobbing and hardly getting the thoughts out when I just blurted out loud that I was broken and I didn't know what to do. I remember thinking "obviously I cannot challenge you, asking you for some sign I am going to misinterpret anyway, I just need some guidance, I'm so broken." Then I finished my Diet Coke called the dog over and went to bed. As I fell asleep I was still just thinking how broken I was and how I didn't choose I just let go.
Today, at church, our new church, the priest gave a half hour homily on people being broken and having to choose the holy spirit. I didn't hear anything else, not C making noises, no pages rustling, no A/C vents, no noises of any kind. I didn't see anything else, no movements, no people, no nothing. All I saw and heard for thirty minutes was this priest talking directly to me. In a church full of at least a thousand I was the only parishioner. It was all for me.
When we left I shook the priests hand and thank you. It was really all I could do. He used so many phrases and examples that I had prayed upon the night before. I have never had a such a direct experience. I'm choosing him. I am still not okay, but I choose him.
3 comments:
First of all what a horrible tradegy for your friend to go through. I think it's absolutely fine to be angry and upset w/ what you had to go through. Sometimes we just don't understand all God's reasonings, but we have to understand that he does have a purpose and a reason for everything. Jamie your time will come and I truly believe that. you just have to put your faith in God's hands and totally rely on him. I am praying for you everyday that it will get easier on you and you wont have to face the daily trials and reminders(seeing other expecting moms) that will hurt you. Hang in there. Be strong, and just believe. (((HUGS)))
Beutiful Jamie, I was crying while I read your story. I hope someday I can give up somthing that is bad for me and turn to god, right now I just do not have the strength. You have such a good soul, it is always easy for others to say it will be allright, sometimes we just want to yell and scream. It is so hard to totaly rely on god, but when we are finally able to, it is ,or will be amazing!
Love you J!!! So glad you had that time with God, to really let it out, let Him know how you feel and then to get that 'message' from Him! He is awesome! He's with you and you're continually in my prayers!
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