To Be or Not to Be

I've got issues. Actually I have problems, major problems, and most likely they are all in my head. I am harboring some major anger and cannot seem to let it go. I mean I am really pissed. I can't stand being so ticked. It is like an infection starting in one area and spreading through out my body. Today, I slept on the couch for about an hour (I feel like a truck keeps running me over) and I dreamed about the anger hurting my little sesame seed of an baby. I woke up thinking that I need to go on a vacation - ALONE! So here is the quick sum up - I make no apologies - good or bad.

I am upset with my in-laws. Their reaction to the news of our pregnancy wasn't what I wanted. Basically L said "well as long as you didn't do anything against the Church." and IVF is not on the Catholic approval list. So when my husband told her this she back tracked and tried to say that God would understand why we did it, but not in those words. The congrats and the happy cheers came, but they seemed almost fake after the initial shock. I could be wrong, I hope I am wrong, but my gut feeling tells me that they don't approve and will just accept our choices, but not quietly. I should be clear that they didn't say this to me, they said it to S. To me they just said they were happy and congrats. And S said he did bring up a religious aspect of things because it was on his mind when he spoke to them. Like I said, it could just be in my head.

Just when I was starting to put that line of thinking behind me I get an email from L. She says congrats and tells me how excited they are and then writes "we'll be praying for you because things don't normally work out for us W's." I was so crushed. The morning I read this email I had started spotting and was frantically trying to keep myself busy until my IVF nurse called me back. Damn her, you know, she is just so negative and doesn't even realize how cruel her attempts at humor come off. Why would you say that to anyone? I have been trying so hard to just be happy with them both D & L, but I just don't know how anymore. They have horrid timing and even worse cases of "open mouth insert foot". I don't want to have to communicate with people who make me cry.

They are coming to visit in two weeks, or so is the plan. I don't know how I am going to put this anger behind me. I guess I will just be a zombie when they are here. I had to do that one other time, years ago. They came to visit close to a visit we had in Mass that was awful. In fact it was the worst ever. I was still seething when they got off the plane so I just kept it short and sweet. Do you know those people raved to S after they left that I seemed so much more pleasant and was eating so healthy these days. I ate NOTHING in front of them except dinner one or two times, NOTHING and I barely talked. When S was at work and they were fussing around the house I locked myself in the garage and said I had homework to do. (our garage was a room in CA) I barely saw them. My defense is always to shut down, it really isn't fun and I don't get any satisfaction out of it - I just can't deal.

***UPDATE*** Hours after my rant:

S, C, the pup and I just went for a nice family walk. As we were leaving the house S says "hey, has any of my family called?" I knew just what he was getting at - why hasn't any one called with any congratulations? I am angry, but he sounded genuinely hurt. He is even going to call his dad tonight to see what is going on. S knows I am a little ticked that they didn't roll out the red carpet for us when he told them the news, but I have kept everything else to a minimum, I don't want to turn him against them - they are his parents. Now I just feel complete sadness for him. He sees and hears all my relatives calling, emailing, and some even sending cards, and feels so sad that it isn't from his side of the family. I forget to think of it from his side sometimes, how sadness and disappointment can really impact things. So, my anger is basically irrelevant, my husband has a family that he feels doesn't support his dreams and wants out of life. I don't think he feels devastated, but he certainly doesn't feel good, and I don't want to add fuel to that fire.