Like Whoa ... Man

It has been awhile.

As predicted I bipolared my way back and forth - but I am pretty sure I am good now.

I spent the night last night looking at houses online. There are so many. The problem is that people don't really want to show you a rental. The Realtors are busy showing houses they will make a profit on and owners don't want you to see there stuff. So I made appointments to see a few houses over the next few days. I also gave notice on base that we are leaving. (Man that felt good)

In other news:

Our company J & K came and left. They had a bumpy exit because their flight was canceled and they had to switch airports but it all worked out in the end. We had a great time, lots of baseball. I think I might have even been baseballed out by Saturday nights game. We saw a pretty funny comedy act one night, the boys went kayaking one day while K and I walked along the canal at Georgetown for a bit (That was pretty neat). On the last day S really wanted to take them to a cool looking place for brunch. It was a little bit of a ride, but he figured it was worth it. So we headed to the Piratz Tavern in Silver Spring, MD.

Obviously you have figured out that the owner's are illiterate, granted so were real pirates. Illiteracy aside, the sign did not prepare us for the event that was brunch at the Piratz Tavern. When we got there - there were no other customers. Our table had an energy drink on it, and the waiter laughed and said "oh that was mine from this morning" We were there at 1:00pm. This guy, the waiter was dressed like a pirate and seemed overly happy. He started babbling about helping our selves at the buffet and said pretty soon there would be sword fight. We all just sort of stared at each other and looked around. It was a weird place. Then we looked at the food. I tried to scoop some onto a plate, the first chaffing dish had potatoes and rice. Strange combo, but it scooped. The third dish had an unidentifiable brown sauce and a horrid looking cheese sauce, the last dish had bacon and eggs. I tried to scoop the eggs but the whole dish was one big lump. The others were talking back and forth about leaving, and thank God they said "NO". I just sort of handed my plate to S and said something about him telling the waiter and we all sort of speed walked out of there. It was so gross! But it looked promising from the outside and the web (www.piratztavern.com) go figure. In the end C cried, because he really did like the place and S promised him a trip to Medieval Times instead. Then we all headed to the Macaroni Grill and chowed four loaves of bread. Yup, four. We were starving. It was the boys fault.

Hmmm, the boys. I was a little annoyed at those two but the end of the visit. Two nights in a row they stayed up until 3:00am playing video games, and then slept really late the next day. But really, how often do grown men get to have a sleep over party with their best friends? S was really excited J was here. Heck, he even took all the time off from work - he doesn't even do that for relatives! So, I am glad they had fun. If our friends come down next summer they will have a little one with them, and I am sure there will be no late night rendezvous with the Xbox then. LOL.

So that is pretty much the update. Certainly I could have just said - we had fun. But as you all know I love to make stories way longer than they need to be.

Since Monday

I'm back to cleaning. Therapy at it's best, already I feel better. Our friends are coming tomorrow and I am pretty happy about that. The Sox are in town and we've all got tickets, so how can one not be thrilled about that? I wouldn't know :P)

We got some good news yesterday, S's extension was approved. We will be staying here an extra year until February 2011. I was so tempted to start packing today. The extension means we can move out closer to S's work and C can go to school, a really good school! We are going to give our 30 day notice the first week of July (at least that is the plan) and move out accordingly. What a weight lifted off our shoulders.

I had the interview yesterday. It was so weird. I interviewed with almost 20 people. First I met with the director for an hour and then I had this strange interview / meeting with a bunch of people I would be supervising. They fired questions at me that were so inappropriate and non work related, but I kept a smile and just answered as best I could. From what I can remember there were 12 or 13 people in there. Once that was over I met with the director again followed by another round table type firing range with four other managers. I think I did good until that point. My perma grin was starting to fade, and quite frankly I was a little put off by the questioning and emphasis on moral. Red flags left and right. Who knows if I will ever hear from them again, but the three hours it lasted gave me enough interview experience to last years!

Since Friday

My dad graduated on Saturday. The ceremony was better to be expected and the party was too. Actually my sister made all the middle grown ups and kids play wiffle ball and that was a blast. My team sucked, after two innings we stopped keeping score.

And that is pretty much it. Although between the graduation and the party my sister and I went to lunch and I totally unloaded on her. I complained about everything including my mother's "white women's afro" to real issues going on. Eventually we ate ice cream at Friendly's and I felt better.

Yesterday when I got of the plane is just all came flooding back. S picked us up and as soon as I sat in the car I fell asleep. Holy overload Batman. But we still went to a ball game and out to eat, and by nine o'clock I had most of the down stairs clean enough to sit in. Normal evening behavior, TV, a hot drink, and a comfy bed - no smoking, no hysterical fake laughs, or ignorant family gossiping. Ahhhh, home.

Therapy Session

Life is really not fair. Certainly this is not a new revelation and is far from actual insight but it is an obvious truth that I like to forget. Life sucks. It isn't funny, or overly kind, and sometimes I think that the little hamsters running around and around get farther in this world than a lot of people I know. Cynical.


I cannot really expel all the details of the last few days but it has been a whirl wind.

I have a dear family member who is brave, smart, wonderful, successful, funny, & sadly miserable filled with real fears and depressions that don't go away. It isn't fair to say that I can identify with their struggles or that I know the entire extent of their difficulties. They are in the hospital and maybe for some time. I am not even suppose to know these tid bits and I suppose the 'how' of that information is just too much for now. The long and short of my point tonight is this could be me. I feel guilty about turning their horrible situation into my own. But I am so scared that I am not going to be okay.

Another family member on S's side, is in ICU. Last Thursday he drank himself into a coma and was found my his mom. He is 28. He is really handsome, the looker of the family, he acts sweet and a little shy, seems smart and full of whit. But, I don't honestly know him well. Sadly that side of the family isn't close. Anyway he is out of his coma and talking. He expressed to his mom that he didn't want anyone to know - but we all do. He might go to a day treatment / detox type of therapy treatment when he gets out of the hospital. I am worried for him. I don't like alcohol, if I did, there might be a problem like this. Heck - I am already wishing for happy pills what is the difference?

My mother has been complaining about being broke. I could go on for an hour, but really that is the point. She ordered a new water heater - theirs is leaking. While seeing my cousin C today I mentioned that I was tired of hearing my parents money woes and she laughed and said, "Grandma paid for the water heater". I don't think that is true. We have a rat in the family causing trouble and animosity and I have a gut feeling this is her dirty work.

The rat is in back in good graces with others. I can't do it. I can't handle it. I don't understand, and I want to just curl up into that old window and cry. Yet another thing that is too long for tonight. But I might have to elaborate later. It took me years to get to the other side always holding out hope that the rat wasn't a rat - but a straw finally broke the camels back and for me there is no going back. I have no other grudges, no other hates, no hidden agenda. I don't need people on my side. There is no feud, no fight, no issues to stand on a soap box for - it is what it is. I just don't understand why the others jumped ship. My mother in particular, acting as if the rat isn't a rat, even if it is just in front of her mother.

It is a no wonder I am depressed and confused. I feel like I am wearing a mask. Be happy J, Be okay, Be positive, Believe in God J, It's all for a reason, - ummmm - No, everything sucks and it isn't fair, but I can't just say that now can I? No I have to make everyone else happy - GEE WONDER WHERE I GET THAT FROM - MOM!?!?!?!?!?!? Of course everyone else has problems of their own. I can't just cling to them. Even S is having a rough time. Although I have told him all of this in detail. He thinks I should just come home early. There is no question - I should have.

Classic - right? Blame your mother. Well, really that isn't the problem. Mom has been the same since I was a kid. She is a faker. She lies. She pleases. She agrees with whom ever is near. She is sweet and nice and sort of goofy. She likes to tell stories where she is the hero and the poor schlep that didn't make out in the end. Sort of a martyr meets Gandhi with a PHD. She white lies her way through social situations and just tries to make us all happy - while being completely oblivious to social graces. I don't think I can even finish this part - the point is - I don't blame her - I am just awed by the craziness of the week. To her defense she can relate to my situation.

My mother explained that she was just as displaced as I feel when she miscarried a few times in the 70's. However, she told me one huge whopper of a story about a D&C she had in her 20's and I just wanted to shake her. She told me how awful she felt, how she questioned God, and how she was tired of people saying it was God's choice and when she went to the hospital she was bombarded with people trying to comfort her with this type of phrase over and over. She got so upset that [and here is the whopper] that after the last nurse came in room at dinner time and tried to comfort her she lost it and stood up on her bed and started screaming. The doctor didn't make it in until midnight and she was still standing on the bed screaming at the top of her lungs.

Err - Grandma is lighting up - I am going upstairs - I might be back.

30 minutes later:

I am curled up in bed. C is at his cousins house for the night and I have the guest room / my old room - all to myself. I love this room, I wish I could take it with me. These days it is a lot nicer than when I was a teenager, but it is always my room. The family got in the habit years ago of calling it the 'yellow room' because my mother put this awful sun bright yellow carpet in here. About two years ago my parents revamped the house, adding siding, a new roof, and two new peeks to the front with windows. These two peeks added a window to each bedroom and now my old room has five windows. I love it. There is sunlight all day and you don't need a lamp until it is dark. It feels nice and comfortable. There is no more yellow carpet and the walls are still in primer - Mom lost the momentum to decorate up here once the construction was done. But, in all fairness, I don 't like her taste in that stuff, so I prefer this, plain and unobtrusive. I am sure everyone really cares about my room. Back to my therapy session.

So, the last few days have just been crazy. Tonight I was talking to S and just wanted to talk for hours. But eventually we had to hang up. Dinner was ready here and more relatives had just shown up for the big graduation and party tomorrow. I had to talk myself out of a full blown crying fit just before the spaghetti was served. I was late for dinner. I am not a panic attack type of person, but in that moment I swore I was on the cusp of loosing control.

I felt a tight weight around my chest. I couldn't catch my breath and I could not focus my thoughts to one topic. I was about just crawl into bed and pretend I never heard my mother scream "J Dinner's ready!" I wanted to go home, be alone, be with S, and just stop feeling this way right then - I didn't want to wait. Then I was thinking about my relative in the hospital and how I am going to be next. I don't' know what she is going through or what she feels, but if it is anything like this - then she must be dying on the inside. Sadly, it is probably worse for her. After 20 minutes on the bathroom floor with a wet wash cloth pressed to my face I finally caught my breath. My eyes were swollen and my nose was red, but I was able to wash my face, brush my hair and look somewhat presentable. Eventually I joined the family. Faking a smile and even playing a game with my parents, uncle, aunt, and my cousins, which was fun. Some of the fake smile actually turned real for awhile.

Once the game was over I talked with my sister and was thinking of heading to her house for the night. Then I realized as soon as it was quiet again I was going to fall apart. I could fall apart on her, she can help. She can take it all in and feel bad and still be supportive and not say crappy things that actually hurt. But, I can't actually talk. I can't say it out loud. I can't just talk about it. I cannot say the words again - I can't feel it.

So here I am falling apart.

This isn't even everything. I managed a school concert for my little cousins today and a visit with them. I went shopping with my mom and grandmother yesterday, and my sister today. But in all of that, more craziness ensued. Although my time with my sister was golden. She has some good insights about our parents and life in general.

Over a C's house today I could tell she was a mess. She's worried about our family member, she is pissed at the rat, or at least seemed to be, she is fretting about the family and loosing our grandfather and she feels like she needs to be the strong one. I had no words for her. I am normally so good and the encouragements and practical advise, but today all I could manage was a meek "I wish I knew what to say." I meant it.

The rat is making it sound like Grandpa is going to die next week. He is having surgery to repair an aneurysm in his heart. It is really a common procedure amongst the elderly but Grandpa isn't exactly healthy. I think it has been about six years since the stroke and he isn't recovered to say the least. Tonight while he was heading up to be I said "see you tomorrow Grandpa." He responded with a grim "hope so."

I don't know if I should even post all this. What happened to the kind of funny part about this blog? I need sleep, preferably for thirty-six to forty-eight hours worth. I have to settle for five and a half.

73.2

73.2 and the heat is on. My mothers is a lunatic, being proactive in case ol' grandpa gets cold. Maybe we could just plug him in to an electric blanket. Really - the pellet stove is on and set to eighty - in a few hours I will be melting.



Better today - somewhat. At least more numb even without the drugs - of which I WANT BACK! I called the nurses and left a message for the doctor. I know something is not exactly right, granted that could just be in my head. I doubt they'll call back anytime soon and I am positive they won't just order me more happy drugs - maybe pain killers - but those really are a dime a dozen. Well, don't I just sound like a junkie?!?!?



73.8 and increasing.



Mom took the grandparents to the barber shop - they should be back soon. Until then I have moved up to my room with the windows open. It is only 60 outside, it feels good.



When I was a kid I use to sit up here on the floor in the alcove. The window on the peek of the house sits on the floor in a cut out and I use to fit perfectly there with my knees pulled up to my chest. There was this huge tree that had these big leaves that touched the window in the summer time. I use to have visions of the tree getting stronger at the end of the branch and being able to climb right out. That never came to fruition although I did jump a few times down to the flower box under the dining room window, that is until I realized my parents were deaf and I could just sneak out the front door. LOL. The tree is gone now and the yard, although green and flat looks pretty, to me it seems a little barren.



I ate cookies for breakfast today. They made me sick. I want fruit and veggies! Luckily Grandma went shopping with Mom this morning and they seem to have gotten some fruit and I was able to eat a banana with lunch. Tomorrow I am just going to have to go out and have a salad - a huge one. My sister should be in town then which should be good.



Oh well the troops just pulled in the driveway - better go and pretend to be thrilled we are all going to the mall. Oh God - five people in a car one of which is a smoker!

Dinner

I've made mistake and want to go home. Granted, tomorrow I might bipolar my way back to normal, but right now I just want to be in my own house.

I had dinner at the W's tonight. They were on their best behavior. (Sorry RB - I know you already heard this) But L kept asking about IVF and the pregnancy. It might not have been so bad if all the questions were at once, but it was spread out over the course of five hours, sneaking up on me just when I thought we were back to talking about family or the weather or worse - the birds in their back yard. I don't like birds - they are loud, they poop indiscriminately, and they are rather creepy looking. The W's love them and have all kids of feeders to attract different kids of the flying beasts. But I digress, back to being depressed and sad... The baby talk was horrible. L just kept trying to get me to agree that this was God's plan. Not my God!

When I was leaving L gave me a stack of paperbacks - we always swap - and she says "I have to warn you, in this one there is a teen pregnancy, but don't worry it doesn't work out. " WHAT???? Do you think it is okay that a baby didn't survive if it was a teen mother? Really? I don't get it. The best bet people - if you don't know what to say, SHUT UP!

I do get that she means the best. I do get that everyone means the best - even my little cousin who said yesterday "so I hear your pregnant?" her mother almost choked. Am I that fragile? Apparently so, because I just want to go home.

While I am at it. How is it that the whole house smells like smoke even though Grandma is out on the porch? How is it that I feel so alone in a huge house with a so many people in it? How is it that all I want to do is sleep - but have just been laying there for hours? How is it that I just let my kid watch the othersiders on Cartoon Network - a show about kids ghost hunting? (so not appropriate!) How is it that I am so sad and just numb too? How is it that I am going to be okay for a big family event this weekend? How is it that don't have anymore painkillers - but still have pain? How is that I stop hemorrhaging for a day and then it just comes right back?

I know. I know. It just hurts that's all, and until dinner I did a better job of faking it.

I Might Be Crazy

I am bored. Seriously - there isn't much I want to do and there really a downward interest in the entertainment of watching cartoons and playing countless games of Monopoly. Yesterday C and I played games, watched TV, went to the playground, and took a three hour nap. It felt good. My parents came home from work, we ate dinner (NO VEGGIES _ NO FRUIT _ NO HEALTHY ANYTHING!) and then it was time to watch TV - again. Although I wanted a day of nothing, this was to the extreme. Today is off to the same start, fortunately I am going to my cousins later and that is never boring, with all those kids - even if I am left sitting in her living room twiddling my thumbs there is always something to keep me laughing or shaking my head in disbelief - either way there is no boredom in that house.

It is also FREEZING here. Yesterday my mother put the fire on for me. I didn't even bring sweat shirts or jackets for us. While I was packing I did a quick load of laundry and shoved a pair of jeans in for C and myself - thank God. Also, I didn't even bring sneakers - only flip flops. Yesterday I borrowed a sweat shirt from my dad and today I am seriously thinking of borrowing sweats from my mother. LOL I am so unprepared.

Funny, but I know it will be wicked busy by the end of the week. Starting tomorrow we have plans all day everyday. Plus my grandparents will be here tomorrow evening. It is so hard staying here with them too. I feel pretty bad saying that - but it is the truth. Grandpa is in rough shape to say the least - and Grandma is a smoker.

My mother announced the other day "oh John is coming by to install a railing." I bluntly told her "I really don't want to know about your home improvement plans." Then we traded evil eye looks and moved on. This morning she told me John would be here at nine. Huh? What? Sooooo, I have to be here and watch a strange man I don't know??? I just responded with a "who's John?" "oh, I know him from the Depot." Right - I should have known. So the long and short of it, this weird guy is coming over to install an extra railing along the staircase so Grandpa can go up and down the stairs. The last time I was here while there was even minor construction the guy was smoking in the house and leaving all the doors open when my dog was here. I am not amused. It is past ten and "John" isn't even here yet.

So, as I said, Grandpa is in rough shape. I love to see them and visit - it is just a lot of extra work when they are here. C has to be quieter and not run, he can't give them bear hugs or jump up and down because he is playing some game he has invented in which he cannot loose. It is work to keep him seen and not heard. Not that the grandparents expect that or anything, it is just obvious that just looking at C totally exhausts them.

Spelling Misshap

I'm on VK. Today I'm lounging around in Mom's living room drinking coffee and watching cartoon with C. I have the laptop fired up and was checking face book and my email. I just decided to check in on my blog, and typed the address into Dad's computer. Instead of blogspot.com I typed in flogspot.com. It is only 8:37 am and I have already looked at porn.

One Step Up & Two Steps Back

I am in agony. Late yesterday I started to have major cramping and today it has continued. Gross things are happening I tell ya. I am regretting not getting the D&C. Natural release of a pregnancy is super painful and just plain inhuman. No need for extensive details I suppose, but for the sake of over sharing, golf ball size clots, 1/2 cup gushes, and long stringy tissues are releasing but not before they cause be to double over and today almost pass out from the pain.

I thought I was getting better, but yesterday when it all got really bad the emotional toll rushed back in full force too. Mom warned me about that. She said when it happened to her a few times she would be fine for a day or a week and then bam she would be in line at the supermarket and just start crying.

Today C and I went to the park w/ T and the kids. After we let the kids splash around her their kiddie pool to cool off. I had Maggie running around out side of the fences chasing her ball - it was really quite cute. Anyway when we came inside we got ready to go over to Hertz rental car. Just when I was about to leave the extreme cramping set in and I literally fell down in the bathroom. I didn't exactly pass out, but I was so weak and out of it. I downed some drugs, drank a few gallons of water and sucked it up. After all I had places to be.

The places to be: 1. Hertz - of which I am boycotting for life. 2. The vet - which I totally didn't make it too in the end. 3. Lunch - I promised C Burger King 4. Groceries - Dad is on his way here and I don't have cream for coffee or Coke.

So, I make it to Hertz and I leave without the car I rented. I have a voucher for 75.00 off and they moron cashier couldn't figure out how to put it into his system. I asked him to call his manager or corporate office and he refused saying it wasn't necessary. I left without the car. Now I am on hold with their customer service - it has been 20 minutes and 10 seconds. They are seeing if they can re-issue the voucher that expires today. - 26:22 the guy just got back on the phone and said they can't do it, but if I want to rent the car and then mail in the certificate I can. I told him NO - I am not taking a chance like that - what happens if they send me another voucher that I can't use! Jerks - all of them.

So C and I go out to lunch, it was nice. The meds kicked in and I started to perk up a bit. After lunch we walked home and I canceled the vet appointment. Err. Groceries can wait until tonight.

In other news: I am ticked at S. He is on my list. Today he is a Nationals Park being a extra in some Owen Wilson flick. Which is good for him. But he has been so busy lately that I barely have seem him. The whole me going on VK thing was put on hold so long because we were figuring out what he was doing and then this week he tells me he is going to Denver next week. WTF?!?!? He gives me a guilt trip about being gone all week and then he goes TDY anyway. Plus, what about Maggie. I'd bet the world he didn't make arrangements for her! He takes no responsibility in the real world sometimes. He has time to be an actor but no time to take the dog to the vet, buy milk, or even start dinner on his own. I didn't even get to see him yesterday unless you count dinner, which was all of 12 minutes. Hormones? - Maybe.

I know, I am all over the map here. I am just trying to write it all while I'm on hold with Hertz. Also, I am a bit of a basket case today. I think I need to just snuggle up with C and Maggie and relax. Sponge Bob should be on soon anyway. LOL.

The Interview

So I sucked at giving the phone interviews, but apparently I didn't suck too bad a being on the receiving end of things. I have a real interview on the 22nd when I get back from VK. It is suppose to be three hours long. Not sure what to make of that, or how the heck I am going to get there. But I suppose that is what the 21st is for, to figure it all out. So, nothing embarrassing was said on the phone although I was thinking about the fart comment and started to giggle a little. Certainly I must be getting better.

C is better today. We played all day. It was kind of fun, but now at only six in the evening I am beat. LOL I'm so old.

So Not Over It

I did manage to get through the day yesterday without crying. Still, not over the whole ordeal, but recovering. Still angry - but working on it. My friend A dropped off a christian book to me covering the death of an unborn or stillborn child. At first I just let it collect dust on the coffee table. Well, no dust really - I have been cleaning for a week straight, but you get the idea. Anyway I picked it up last night after talking to my friend and feeling like I could get through this, the book might help, a little.

So, in other news: C is sick today. He woke up at 11:00, 12:00, & 1:00 last night. He was up from about 1:00 until 2:30 with a fever of about 101. I gave him some Tylenol and it didn't even touch it. (although it may have been an old bottle, in the middle of the night I wasn't exactly at peak parenting) Around 1 something I had C move into the guest room. That is the coolest room in the whole house. I turned the A/C down to sixty and got me an really thick winter blanket and settled down next to him. Poor guy was so restless and weary. He just kept moaning "I want to be cold now."

This morning he woke up and looked fine, but only for a few minutes. Even before he could use the bathroom and open his eyes all the way he starting crying and saying he felt "green and sort of yucky" I checked his temp and this time the thermometer said 98 even. I might get a new one this afternoon when S gets home. The kids was burning to the touch - and he was dark red. Anyway, he has been eating freeze pops and watching TV in my room all morning. So not like him to watch TV for hours. Around nine he asked to watch a movie and thought for sure after the big race beginning in CARS he would bounce out of bed and want to play, but he is still in there.

It could be a few things:

• He has a loose tooth, he could be cutting a new one underneath
• He complained briefly about a sore stomach - this is a common complaint and we are thinking we better get that checked out
• He had an allergic reaction to bath and body works sunscreen the other day, and got really itchy and rashy
• He is just a kid, and is fighting off something

Still, I feel bad for him.

More about me: I might go back to work. On a whim I looked up jobs online and found one that was exactly calling for my experience and degree. So I applied on line and have a phone interview tomorrow. Phone interviews are weird. I always hated depleting the applicant pool that way beause I SUCKED at it! Everyone who sounded good on the phone showed up in sweat pants and purple hair or with their kids in tow on the actual person to person interview. Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't admit that - you never know what a google search of your name will show your interviewer. LOL. So phone interviews - anyway - normal experience tells me that if I 'pass' they'll want to see me next week and I won't be here, so it looks like I might actually start looking when I get back. Can't wait to tell you, my dear readers how I embarrass my self during the conversation. I can already see it

So tell us about your self

I am a great ROI manager and people person. I also fall down a lot, say the wrong thing at the wrong time and occasionally fart in public. My son will let you know very loudly when that happens.

Since Yesterday

I feel better. Not great, but better.

I have great friends. All of them have emailed me support and prayed for me while I grieved. Not that I am done grieving, but I feel better. My best friend J called tonight and my whole face just got the biggest smile when I heard her voice. I know - I am such a dork. Anyway, we both had to keep stopping to talk to our kids, we never seemed to stay on one subject very long because we were babbling but she is one who knows, sadly, exactly how I felt. It felt good to know she loves me and wants me to be happy. - I know, I know, Mushy - DORK. Then there is by friend RB who emails me the sweetest most supportive messages and then leave comments that are real and honest and full of hope. She gets a whole other side to me and it is just nice. Life is nicer because I have great friends. MUSH MUSH MUSH. Then there is my sister - who is just awesome.

Something funny:

I had jury duty today. After hours of deliberation I sat at seat ten on a jury. I was trying to think of a way out of it. I had the following thoughts:

• I think I know one name from the witness list
• Medical issues, but I didn't want to fully explain and cry in front of the court
• I could make myself look like an idiot

Ding, Ding, Ding, folks we have a winner. I just started smiling and staring at the defendant. There was only one person left in the selection pool everyone else had been dismissed and I was sweating it. The judge explained that this was a criminal trial that would last approximately four days and Friday would be an off day and we would reconvene on Monday. NOOOOOO I thought, I am suppose to be in Massachusetts on Monday. So I just sort of stare at the defendant smiling and hoping. Then the judge says, "This will be the final ..." and the prosecutor raised his hand. The clerk went over to him and then to the defense attorney then back to the judge. The judge said, "Number 698 (that was me) you may return to the jury lounge, number 713 you will take seat 10 and this is the final jury that will serve on the state Vs. whatever his name was". I smiled all the way back to the lounge. Then went to lunch and then got dismissed for the day. See you again in two years - Criminals. LOL

Since Friday

The cleaning continued, the pain got worse.

I picked up prescriptions this morning and took them immediately. Percocet I normally do well on, just get wild dreams. I also has an RX for tranquilizer. I suppose that is an old term for it - lol, I am getting old. the drug is called Adovan. I wasn't going to take it, but the pain was so intense that I decided I would try it. It works well with the percocet. One kills the pain and the other makes you not care about it. Although, I feel like I could go to sleep now at noon, and sleep until the next morning, even though I got a TON of sleep last night. I was out like a light by 11:15 and C and I both slept until almost 9:00.

The List

• Cleaned the sofa - again! The poor dog has a tail that keeps bleeding and when she wags it blood gets every where. I was drinking a cup of coco this morning while sitting by the window and looked over at the couch and couldn't believe how much blood was all over the bottom of it.
• Scrubbed walls - again, for the same reason
• Washed everything in the house. There is nothing left. Anything that fit into a washing machine was washed, some things twice
• Re-washed covers to chairs in living room, C spilled RED crystal light on it.
• Cleaned windows
• Organized C's toys. We took about 1/3 out for Goodwill, and 1/3 we put in boxes in the shed - we'll swap them out in a few months. There are just too many.
• Tball was canceled because the fields were too muddy, so we went out to eat and to a ball game instead. C dressed up as Iron Man because it was super hero night at the park. He had a great time and so did we.
• On the way home from the game, things got really worse for me. I didn't end up needing a D &C or the medication to induce one naturally. It just happened. Our car seat will never be the same.
• Cleaned seats in Car
• Pulled towels out of Goodwill bin to sleep on.
• Put towels in TRASH
• Continued to clean aimlessly
• Cleaned out tub in our bathroom again. Apparently the whole cleaning while in the tub didn't work all that well.
• Read another 100 pages or so of the fourth Twilight book. I like it, but it is so out there. I suppose I am not really a "science fiction" reader so things like vampire babies growing at a rate of a week for every two days just makes me laugh
• Rented car to go home for a week. Dad called, said, "don't spend the cash, I am coming to get you and C on Friday" I love my parents! They are also bringing my mother's living room chairs down with them because they got new ones. They don't match a thing in the house, but they are comfortable and nice.
• The guilt of the L situation got to me, so I fixed it with a white lie.

The white lie:

S's Mom, L called me. I answered the phone. I planned on ignoring any family calls for a few days, but the caller ID had different plans. That day S was working in DC at a different location than normal. He called and a 202 area code came up on the phone. After I hung up with him a 202 number rang and I figured it was either him again or the doctors office because it said DTSW which is a government phone. I answered it and it was L. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to wallow in self pity and clean. But as I said, caller ID had a different plan.

So I talked for a while and tried not to cry, but I couldn't help it. This was only a day after we found out. So D, L's husband, S's dad, emails us over the weekend and offered his prayers and told us if we need their help in anyway they are here for us. So, I get the email and return this message:

Hey Dad,

Thanks for the kind words. S and I are doing fine, just still a little bummed out. {SO NOT TRUE} What really helped was Mom's phone call the other day. I hadn't planned on answering any calls from family or friends but the caller ID made it look like a local number calling, not your number for some reason. So I answered it expecting it to be a doctor or S and it was Mom. I cannot tell you how much this meant to me. To know she always does everything in her power to take care of me, to know how much I mean to her, to know that she was just as sad as I, was comforting and uplifting. You both are the best,

J

It isn't true, we feel like crap - still. We are mad at God, directly. We know this is unreasonable, but the grief is strong. I didn't want to talk to Mom that day. I didn't really feel better after getting off the phone, but I did know the things she meant were truthful and honest and from her heart - it just didn't comfort me because I am not ready to be comforted. Some might think if you are only six weeks along you can get over it in just a few days, but I am not so sure about that. Anyway - Dad passed the note along to L and L returned a note to me praising me for being such a fantastic daughter. The feud is on hold. I really cannot be mad at her.

I could keep going here for hours. But C is calling for a snack - and I think chips and salsa sounds really good too.

Since Thursday

1. Organized linen closet
2. Washed & Folded more clothes
3. Washed & Ironed living room curtains
4. Scrubbed mini blinds in living room - super gross!
5. Thought about cleaning coat closet - ate cereal instead, 4 bowls - don't ask?
6. Thought about dusting, got call from neighbor asking us to go to Chuck-e-Cheese
7. Went to Chuck-e-cheese
8. Baked Bread
9. Made Pudding w/ C
10. Organized candles, seriously I have an addiction! They take up an entire three draw cart / tote thing-y
11. Read 200 pages of Breaking Dawn. I like it, but there is something so weird about the lust that the main character has - even in my twenties I didn't lust like that!
12. Watched Spiderman 3 w/ C
13. Watched Wipeout w/ C, we had recorded it on DVR, even teary eyed you have to laugh at grown-ups falling down.
14. Did the dishes
15. Took dog for a walk / run with the family
16. Bit admins head off when they called to reschedule an appointment
17. Avoided calling my nurse back, third day in a row
18. Watched the first Tonight Show w/ Conan - DVR, I am so behind
19. Showered & cleaned the shower while I was in there - I know, obsessive - and cleaning while naked is oddly not all that uncomfortable when I got out I started cleaning the sink then C came in and was like "mom whaaaatttt are yoouuuuuuuu doinnnnnnng?"
20. Washed cushion covers on living room chairs, struggled with them to get back on - there is a reason there has been a syrup mark on one of them for months
21. Replaced all towels w/ new ones that I bought months ago and were still in the bag. Picked out six old ones for camping and put the rest with the Goodwill bins

There is some improvement, yesterday I didn't think at all while I cleaned I just moved aimlessly from one task to another, today at least I was thinking - sort of, anyway. But avoidance is still key.

Mental note: Organize camping stuff, Clean C's bathroom, organize the coat closet, organize the shoe bin by the door, steam clean the carpets - especially the ones in the front hall, give dog bath, catch up on the rest of my DVR shows, C has T-ball tomorrow, By more Tylenol PM, Stop hemorrhaging.

Since Yesterday

1. Folded laundry and put away
2. Stripped beds
3. Washed all bedding
4. Scrubbed Walls in stairwell
5. Cleaned leather sofa w/ saddle soap
6. Re-cleaned sofa w/ Magic Erase sponge - worked much better
7. Scrubbed walls in hallway & sun room
8. Cleaned my closet
9. Cleaned guest room closet
10. Organized games
11. Pulled out three totes worth of crap to go to the Goodwill
12. Found random laundry basket in way back of my closet and spent an hour sorting the junk inside. Must have been packed from the last house - full of bathroom stuff like shampoo and make-up
13. Sorted three months worth of mail - made big pile to file and one to shred
14. Washed curtains in kitchen
15. Vacuumed upstairs, downstairs, and the stairs
16. Babysitting A's rug rats
17. Swept floors
18. Cleaned kitchen floor
19. Ate spaghetti for breakfast (left overs)
20. Ate enchiladas for lunch (left overs)

No Calls, Please - Maybe Next Week.

There is no more baby. This morning I went to the sonogram and the bad news was confirmed. I didn't take the progesterone this morning and already I am bleeding. The spotting was break through bleeding and only held off my the medication.

Thank God my sister was here to come home to. I was able to hold it together until she drove away. She didn't want to leave, she begged me to let her call her boss to stay a few more days but I told her I was fine. And I was until she left.

I have so many friends that have miscarried and I never knew how much pain they were actually in, I always felt sad for them and tried to be understanding and empathetic, I just didn't know this is how they felt. I can't imagine the ones that actually got to feel a baby kick, or see them after, their pain must be even worse.

I'll need a D&C with in a few weeks if things don't naturally happen. The doctor also prescribed a medication I could take to make it happen. I am pretty sure we are just going to wait it out. There is another IVF cycle starting in July but if I wait things out my cycle won't match up and we will miss it. So the doc suggested the surgery. I never want to see another IVF drug, needle, vaginal wand, doctor, or the words, inject, insert, blastocyst, embryo, or cycle again. Of course that is totally unrealistic and down right impossible since I want a baby.

The family motto when things like this happen CLEAN AND BAKE and just generally pretend nothing is wrong. I think I am going to go steam clean the carpets and then maybe bake some cookies and then start packing up the laundry room but not before I go scrub the bathrooms and strip all the beds.

I want a cigarette and some caffeinated beverages. Ha, I haven't smoked in over three years - it would probably make me throw up. Well, I gotta go - there are walls to be washed.

Updated

Thanks to all who have been praying, things have gotten better. Yesterday I stopped spotting. Today I have only discharge from the progesterone which is gross, but nothing to worry about. I felt so much better yesterday that I actually went to a ball game with S & C. We had a lot of fun. It was autograph day so I took Cooper around to meet all the players and had them sign a ball for him and one for S. S followed us around snapping pictures. It was all very sweet and a prime family time. The game was a good one, our team, the Baysox won, we helped them celebrate by going out to dinner. LOL.

[We are out two times this weekend and had take out of Sunday. Fun now, but we are going to be broke by the next payday. ]

There was this one family behind us that almost ruined our fun. But we tried our best to ignore them. They left in the seventh inning and we clapped and cheered as they walked away! heee, heee. The man was so gross. Every time a girl walked by he would say "well I'm going to the snack bar and getting something ..." Then he would insert the color of the girls shirt. His older daughter and wife would start laughing and making comments to go with it. Then during the free T-shirt toss our section didn't get any and the wife was complaining so the guy got up and went to the section below us, took off his shirt and threw it up to the wife. GROSS! I was so glad my family had gone to get a hot dog then. There were worse comments including "I might get some Italian when we are Italy, some Italian pussy - I mean Pizza" when talking about their up coming VK. "Were those the last shoes in the free world or did you actually choose those? They are the ugliest things I've ever seen." He was talking to his wife. Her and I had the same shoes on! And then a comment about me being a seven but then a two because I clapped for a player they didn't like! The three of them were gross and disgusting. Could you imagine that kind of talk around your wife and kid? Around other families? Around CHILDREN!???!?!?! Here is the kicker, they were not drinking. They were not altered in anyway - this was their natural form.

We Don't Know

The spotting:

I have been spotting on and off for four days. The nurses said there is "nothing to worry about until there is something to worry about." They gave me some warning signs to look out for and wished me luck. The warning sides being, cramping, clotting, and heavy bleeding. I had some mild cramps but I am not there yet although the spotting got worse today, so much so that a pantie-liner wasn't enough protection. Then when I switched to a pad I only had a small dime sized dot after church, going out to dinner, and shopping. Things aren't really looking good, but they aren't totally awful either. I have certainly cried enough in the last four days to last awhile, but we are still hopeful.

We have an ultrasound / sonogram on Wednesday it seems like a lifetime away. Heck, Sunday still seems so far away (that is when my sister gets here) Time is in slow motion and we just don't know anything yet.

Pray.

What?

This morning I completely forgot I was suppose to watch my friend's little ones.

Around 8:30 S tells me that he is going to take C over to the Tball field early. (they had a game) He originally thought that the game was at 9:30 but he had this bad feeling it was actually at 9. So him and C get ready to go and I am slowly getting out of the shower, getting dressed, and trying to do something with my long wet hair when the doorbell rings. My friend A is there with her two kids and Scott answers - so he calls up the stairs "ahhh hunny - A is here?" and then she calls up "so you you need car seats?" and I am just then getting the towel off my head and am utterly confused, I just am like "oh hey - what car seats - no why?" Then A tells me C is in the car waiting for us. And still I as thinking - why would I need more car seats I only have one kid?? So then A kind of comes the rest of the way in the house and I am just still don't get it and say "So, what's up?" and then she puts her baby down on the floor and her three year old bounces in and asks for a snack. Still, I was thinking - why are you here? Don't you guys sleep until nine most days? We are getting ready to leave... and then A says - "Oh that's right, C has a game this morning, do you want a Stroller so you can bring my kids?" Then finally I remember - Oh yeah - I can bring them because I am babysitting this morning...DUH! I swear they were here a good four or five minutes before I realized they were staying!

S was laughing at me when they left. Normally if I forget something like that I remember just before they get here or sometimes when I see their van, but at least I remember! If I had not been so poky with getting dressed this morning we totally would have been at the ball field already. I don't even know if my friend realized I forgot, she seemed pretty happy to be going to work and dropping off the little ones. LOL - only me.

In other news: S called his dad last night. His dad confirmed that they only told three family members -his grandparents and grammy. S said he almost feels a little invisible to his family sometimes. We talked about it for a long time last night. I think we both realize that sometimes things just don't go the way we want and that even if it isn't fair, or right, or fun, or the best situation, we still have each other and we always live up to our each other's expectations, no outside family needed there - so we can just focus on the good from them and really try not to let the semantics of a situation play such a big role.

To Be or Not to Be

I've got issues. Actually I have problems, major problems, and most likely they are all in my head. I am harboring some major anger and cannot seem to let it go. I mean I am really pissed. I can't stand being so ticked. It is like an infection starting in one area and spreading through out my body. Today, I slept on the couch for about an hour (I feel like a truck keeps running me over) and I dreamed about the anger hurting my little sesame seed of an baby. I woke up thinking that I need to go on a vacation - ALONE! So here is the quick sum up - I make no apologies - good or bad.

I am upset with my in-laws. Their reaction to the news of our pregnancy wasn't what I wanted. Basically L said "well as long as you didn't do anything against the Church." and IVF is not on the Catholic approval list. So when my husband told her this she back tracked and tried to say that God would understand why we did it, but not in those words. The congrats and the happy cheers came, but they seemed almost fake after the initial shock. I could be wrong, I hope I am wrong, but my gut feeling tells me that they don't approve and will just accept our choices, but not quietly. I should be clear that they didn't say this to me, they said it to S. To me they just said they were happy and congrats. And S said he did bring up a religious aspect of things because it was on his mind when he spoke to them. Like I said, it could just be in my head.

Just when I was starting to put that line of thinking behind me I get an email from L. She says congrats and tells me how excited they are and then writes "we'll be praying for you because things don't normally work out for us W's." I was so crushed. The morning I read this email I had started spotting and was frantically trying to keep myself busy until my IVF nurse called me back. Damn her, you know, she is just so negative and doesn't even realize how cruel her attempts at humor come off. Why would you say that to anyone? I have been trying so hard to just be happy with them both D & L, but I just don't know how anymore. They have horrid timing and even worse cases of "open mouth insert foot". I don't want to have to communicate with people who make me cry.

They are coming to visit in two weeks, or so is the plan. I don't know how I am going to put this anger behind me. I guess I will just be a zombie when they are here. I had to do that one other time, years ago. They came to visit close to a visit we had in Mass that was awful. In fact it was the worst ever. I was still seething when they got off the plane so I just kept it short and sweet. Do you know those people raved to S after they left that I seemed so much more pleasant and was eating so healthy these days. I ate NOTHING in front of them except dinner one or two times, NOTHING and I barely talked. When S was at work and they were fussing around the house I locked myself in the garage and said I had homework to do. (our garage was a room in CA) I barely saw them. My defense is always to shut down, it really isn't fun and I don't get any satisfaction out of it - I just can't deal.

***UPDATE*** Hours after my rant:

S, C, the pup and I just went for a nice family walk. As we were leaving the house S says "hey, has any of my family called?" I knew just what he was getting at - why hasn't any one called with any congratulations? I am angry, but he sounded genuinely hurt. He is even going to call his dad tonight to see what is going on. S knows I am a little ticked that they didn't roll out the red carpet for us when he told them the news, but I have kept everything else to a minimum, I don't want to turn him against them - they are his parents. Now I just feel complete sadness for him. He sees and hears all my relatives calling, emailing, and some even sending cards, and feels so sad that it isn't from his side of the family. I forget to think of it from his side sometimes, how sadness and disappointment can really impact things. So, my anger is basically irrelevant, my husband has a family that he feels doesn't support his dreams and wants out of life. I don't think he feels devastated, but he certainly doesn't feel good, and I don't want to add fuel to that fire.

Sunday Seems Far Away.

My sister will be here on Sunday and it just feels like forever away. I got an email from here today suggesting we go to a movie while she is here and until then I didn't realize how happy I am that she is coming down. We actually planned on doing nothing but eating cake and watching cable and still I am really excited to see here. I know - I am a dork. And it doesn't stop there - here is a list of my favorite things about my sister:

• She has nice hair
• She kicks ass at Trivia
• She can't run worth a damn, but she can certainly move through a casino (family trait)
• She gets made if you get rid of a book
• She loves if you read something she suggests
• She puts up with me
• She is really funny and knows a ton of movie quotes
• She has the worst handwriting I have ever seen and yet she doesn't want to be a doctor, even though she is way smarter than any doc I have ever met.
• She is a fantastic author. I love her teen angst writings.
• She has funny taste in men. She likes those skinny white boys.
• She is the only one who understands my love for rock, pop, crappy top 40, and bizarre genera's of other assorted crap and joins me full force.
• She is supportive and keeps a secret safer than a vault!
• She is awesome, and she has business cards that say so.
• She is really pretty.
• She is the best.

He Was Not There

C, S and I went to the White House today. It was pretty neat. We had been on the grounds before but had never been inside. D, S's dad, set up this visit through his congress women in Massachusetts. It was meant to be all of us, but because they had to cancel their trip it was just the three of us. We actually drove downtown instead of taking the train. GASP - I know! We are normally way to cheep to pay for parking, ha, ha. But we had an alternative agenda.

So we line up outside the white house, show our ID cards, get checked off on a list, go through a metal detector and walk through the blue room, the red room, the green room, the conference room and the hallways and suddenly we realize we are outside and the tour is over. We were in and out in less than 30 minutes - LOL. Glad we didn't drive all the way from Mass for that, ha, ha. There were tour guides in each room that would answer questions but it was all pretty basic stuff, and their were plaques in each room that said what it was used for and who decorated it. One cool thing was all the paintings of the presidents. None of Obama yet, his were all photographs. Kennedy was cool and so was Regan and oddly I likes Wilson's. Although I do not like his bridge (Totally a DC joke)

Our alternative agenda Ben's Chili Bowl: ending: Pretty awesome. Ben's is a DC icon that we hadn't made it too yet. Barack Obama has been there a few times with our mayor and we always see it on the news but neither were there today <> So we headed over and it was great - although we paid 23 bucks for three hot dogs one thing of fries and three small drinks. Oh well, fun was had by all. On kind of funny thing: we see the place on the left and turn right to find parking on a side street. We were so thrilled with ourselves when we found one right away. So we load the meter with two bucks and get a whopping 48 minutes and head over, just to see a sign inside that says Free Parking in Back. HA - normally we can't find a parking space anywhere in DC let alone a free one.

This & That

I have been so tired this last week that I cannot believe how little I have accomplished. But, I am not complaining, just pointing out the facts. I am actually starting to feel pregnant and I am really excited about that. On Friday I got a present in the mail from my dearest friend J, and it was a baby gift. The tags said NEWBORN all over them, and I cried. It was really so sweet of her to send something this early on. I know all my friends are just so happy for us and it means a lot to me. Then yesterday I got a call from my friend A. She asked if I wanted her maternity clothes. Huh? I thought, why? Then I realized, oh yea - I am pregnant. So now, I am tired and happy. LOL.

In other news: I have new 'maybe' friend, Coach C. She is the co-coach of C's Tball team. She has four kids and C adores her two boys, so we made plans to get together the other day. All started off great but then she kind of scared me with a bout of over sharing the other day. In fact after a while I sort of stopped talking. I don't think she realized. Coach C (CC) seems to enjoy having a grown up to talk to while the kids play. I don't know, I might I have to scale back on my friendliness a little. This women sent a bunch a red flags over to my court, including pregnancies in high school, rape, drinking, smoking, and offers from Swingers - yikes. I don't know how much is really true or just a bored mom telling me things she thinks might interest me. What I really wanted to hear about was her job at the church, her homeschooling practices, and the good things about her life. I think if I brave another get together, outside of Tball, I will try to steer the conversation towards those things. Who knows what she will babble about if I stay quiet. As always, I sure can attract them.

I had this friend S in California who was the same way, classic over sharer with an abusive and controlling husband. After a few get togethers I just sort of stopped asking her to do stuff during the day. We stayed friendly but kept a distance. She was a demo party guru and always was having pampered chef, body shop, or party light shows, of which her husband wouldn't be at, so that was the limit of our friendship after the over sharing didn't stop. I am not sure about CC, it might have to be the same deal, but I am willing to give it another try - but not this week, maybe in a few, after I recover from all her news.

So T is on VK this week. The neighborhood will be so quiet without her three running around. C was sad when they left this morning. He must have asked me a dozen time who he was going to play with while they were gone. I am going to have to try to do some extra fun things with him during the days. Hopefully I will be able to get my butt of the couch!

Today the boys are at a baseball game. They should have a good time. I agreed to go to a BBQ at a friends house around three. Part of me is wishing I hadn't accepted the invite only because I feel really sick and tired. But I am sure a glass of milk and maybe a little caffeine will perk me up. It is so weird not having diet coke all the time. The other day I had one at the pool and I couldn't even finish it. In January when I opted to give up my addiction to caffeine I finished my last eight cans in one day and that night had to have tea because I felt like I had nothing to drink. Now, I can't even finish a 12 ounce can, it actually tasted kind of gross and I had to have S go get me two bottles of water. The good part is, if I am sleepy a swig of coke or Dr. Pepper perks me right up. BTW Dr. Pepper is my new favorite thing. The other night I was dreaming about it and had to go buy a bottle the next morning. LOL.

But speaking of dreams I have had some wicked ones lately. Last night I dreamed that I was planning on going to a foreign country and on the way home was going to smuggle drugs. I was at the airport and couldn't find my boarding pass in my pocket book. (Last night I went out with A for a while and I was joking about never finding anything in my new pocket book) So finally I find the boarding pass and realize I left my passport at home. The security guards at the airport were just staring at me and I said quiet clearly. "No hago mi pasaporte." I don't have my passport. So I had to go home and as I was walking out of the airport I had a complete conversation in Spanish with the cab driver about having pay the drug dealers back my plane ticket money and all the gifts they gave me. I don't know friends, I must watch too much Locked up Abroad, for this isn't the first time I've had a drug smuggling dream.

There is so much more stuff to catch up on, but then I would be an over sharer - LOL I already am, well on my blog anyway. But here is a quick run down.

• The W's are suppose to be here this week but L got really sick and was in the hospital. She is alright now but isn't ready for a big trip so we are rescheduling that.
• S has been really busy with school and baseball. I don't think I have really seen him all that much since our big night out last week.
• At church this morning I thought I was going to be sick, then afterwards I ate a donut and actually felt better. Now that donut has given me heart burn.
• My sister and I disagree about the acidic properties of milk, so I think I am going to look that up today.
• I have lost three pounds since becoming pregnant???
• My feet are huge, either that or sizes are getting smaller? I have been on a search for new flip flops, my old ones have dog bites on them they are size L or 9-10. All the 9-10's I have tried on this year are too small! The 11's are too big. Apparently I am a giant.

Summer Time

Oh the nice weather is here - yippeee. Hopefully it is here to stay this time :O)

T and I took the kids and one neighbor kid over to the big park today. They played for over an hour and it was really nice. No news there - the kids love to go to the park, and normally they all have a good time. So what is there to complain about? Oh my dear readers - you know me too well there is plenty - so here is a list.

1. To the Mother with four kids under three: Can you stop yelling please - really even for one minute?
2. To the home day care provider in the brown jacket: Can you please get off your phone? You are louder than all 20 kids at the park and your charges are running wild.
3. To the other home day care provider: Can you please get of your phone too? See reasoning above.
4. To the mother of the other neighborhood child that came with us: Can you not tell us how protective you are? Really - you let your seven and four year old out from three to seven almost everyday to run around and not be supervised. Are you kidding yourself?
5. To the mother of the other neighborhood child that came with us: Can you not tell us how wonderful you are for just two minutes. I really don't care that you run a 5K every other day.
6. To the mother of the other neighborhood child that came with us: Can you please tell you children not to run a half mile ahead of us? This would be because T & I just got finished telling our group not too. Really - your four year old is allowed to go over a hill and around a bend where you can't see him and then cross the street too????

But I digress, fun was had by all.

In other news, the Idol song by Kara sucked. It wasn't even a little bit good. Seriously what is AI thinking? Can they please stop the last song crap? It is either the winner records it, someone wins a contest for submitting, or like last night, it just makes us throw up a little bit in our mouths. I'm just saying - SUCKED.

I voted for Kris three times before the line was too busy. I was pretty happy with that.

Also In One Tree Hill news: Payton had her baby. At the end they showed her strapped in a car seat in the back of her car smiling and easily being almost nine months old! Hello - only in the hospital for what a week? I am so over this show. Babies, Nathan made it to the MBA, side line stories of a rockers love interest, teenage vagabonds - I can't take it anymore! Seriously - this must be the most successful high school class ever. Here is a list of their careers thus far. Mind you only one seems plausible.

• Payton, record producer with hit artist on label
• Lucus, published author
• Haley, singer song writer and X teacher, and last week she recorded a song for Nick Lache
• Nathan, NBA Star
• Brooke, Designer and CEO of major clothing line and her own magazine
• Mouth, Sports reporter
• Skills, home baby proofer

So compared to my class of '95 they are way ahead of us, according to face book we have, lots of stay at home moms, office workers, one guitarist who plays dive bars, and plenty of people still trying to figure it all out. TV should never make one feel so inept. LOL - I can't wait for next week.

Also the new Secret Life start at the end of June. I am looking forward to that, but am sure it will sugar coat the whole teenager is a mommy now deal. Oh poor Amy can't go to the prom because she doesn't have a sitter? Oh poor Amy can't sleep in today - but she can tomorrow. Angst - I love it.

So Fun

Joe and I went to the Melting Pot last night to celebrate. It was so fun. 130 something dollars later - we vowed to go back the next time we were celebrating this big of news. We had a blast. Although my husband, in true form - always embarrasses me. He was taking pictures! Goof ball. Anyway one shot he had me take was of him holding up a piece of meet on a skewer and he had this silly expression on his face. It was quite a riot. My favorite parts were the lobster and the brownies.

Something kind of silly: when we were looking at the menu, I totally didn't understand it. Normally I am the one who gets that type of stuff - anyway ... So S pretty much orders for us which was great and then he is like oh and I'll have a Raspberry twister something or other. And I was thinking "oooh that sounds good" - ahhhh yeah I am kind of pregnant and can't drink alcohol. After all that is what we were celebrating! LOL

One more note: It took me three spell checks to spell skewer right. Screwer , scewer, squewer -then the spell check picked of skewer - what the heck is wrong with me today? ha, ha

I got ONE!

I heard my beta count this morning, it is 103 which is pretty consistent with one baby. YIPPPPEEEEEEE. Hearing the words "Your Pregnant" from the doctor was so nice. I had every intention of buying another box of tests LOL - but now I don't have to.

Kind of Funny

I woke up early this morning and of course instantly needed to go to the bathroom. Then I realized that I had one last pregnancy test left, but it was downstairs. I attempted to go back to sleep just to have a dream about peeing in the ocean! I woke up just in time. LOL. So then I go downstairs and grab the test, I could not get the darn thing open. I was kind of hopping around trying to tear it open, and then the dog woke up and was jumping all around - almost knocking me over. So I let her outside and grab a knife from the kitchen. I must own ten pairs of scissors - but can I ever find one? NO.

Finally I get the test open and well, take it. Today's plus sign showed up instantly - and I cried, again. This morning C and I are going to the clinic for another blood test - Next week sometime I will hear the beta count. Yippee.

Oh well, I better log off and call the doctor's again. My progesterone is about to run out and I called the pharmacy to have the refill sent to me, and when the customer service rep opened the script it had a different name on it. I am going to run out by Monday - soooo, I kind of need them to step on it. Oh well - such is life.

Just an FYI

I took another home test - and it too was positive.

Also, C found one of the sticks and asked if he could use it as a gun. I told him it wasn't a good idea because I peed on it. He just gave me the strangest look. So, we told him about maybe having a baby in my stomach. He kind of had a clue because of all the doctors appointments anyway, so we figured we'd clue him in on the whole deal. He is pretty excited and has given me a list of boy names:

Anikan
Darth
Bruce Wayne
Logan Wolverine
Tony Stark

HMMMM, I sense a theme. After he gave me his list he asked "mommy, are the eggs going to hatch and then the baby will walk out of your tummy?" Just when we thought he might understand how the whole process works - LOL.

An Open Letter to the Bolling Clinic

To Whom It May Concern,

On Monday, May 11, 2009 I placed a call to your facility and inquired about beta pregnancy testing. I explained that I needed to have my blood drawn on Wednesday and asked if the Bolling Air Force Base clinic could preform this test. I was assured that there would be no problem and told to come in before noon, because that was my best chance at getting same day results.

This morning, May 13, 2009, at 9:15 I arrived at the laboratory and signed in. After a lengthy 45 minute wait my name was called. I handed the tech my written order and explained that it is an out of the ordinary request and will not be in the system. He proceeds to look in the system. He then says, "wow they have ordered everything else under the sun for you." and I reply "yes, but not the beta test, that is why I hand carried the order, Walter Reed Army Medical will not order this, we need to have the results faxed to them." He responds by grabbing a supervisor that was walking by. I explain to her that this is for the IVF program and will not be in the system. She looks anyway. Then makes an executive decision to have the tech draw the blood while she has one of the clinic MD's put the order in for us - to save time. I would like to commend this person on their ability to handle any situation and take charge. I appreciated the way she handled it, and was pleased that she was able to get the job done.

By now the time is past 10:00 and I am back in the waiting room. The supervisor needed to bring back a copy of my order because if everything is positive I'll need to go back on Friday to have the test done again. When she brings me my order she explains that Bolling doesn't do this test and it has to be sent off and will be available maybe Monday or Tuesday.

Now, as you are aware I called the laboratory just a few days before my test to make sure they could complete the test for me. As, you can imagine I was really upset by the news. I would like to take this opportunity to explain to you that you now owe me $13.65. That is the cost of a box of EPT pregnancy tests. I walked to the Base Exchange immediately after I left the clinic to purchase them.

Once, home I peed on the stick and it came back with a plus sign. I will continue to pee on multiple sticks until the results come back from your office. If I feel the need to purchase a new box of EPT tests, I will send you a second bill.

Thank you and have a great day,
Sincerely,
A Positive Tester


Dear Friends,

Don't get too excited. WRAM makes me do a second test to make sure it isn't a chemical pregnancy, meaning there is still HCG in my system from the shot and the embryo's didn't really implant. So the positive test, might still be a no go. But I tell you, I have never had a positive sign, and believe me when I say that after ten years of being married I pretty much should have owned stock in the First Response and EPT companies. LOL - But really - get excited - and praise GOD.

Love you all so much!
Jamie

Really?

AI wasn't all that great. Although, my boy Kris was totally fantastic. Heartless was awesome. C is going to love that version. I DVR'd it, so I had to save it for him. Adam was weird. He is too strange for my taste. And Danny - well, I don't exactly not like him, I just don't really like him either - but Paula's song choice kind of screwed him at the front. At least that is my thought. I am going to have to download Heartless - man it was good.

Biggest Looser was pretty cool. I was surprised that Helen won. I wasn't all that enamored with her because she sent her daughter home. I was kind of pulling for Mike and Tara at the same time. At times I didn't like Tara and was actually hoping the green team would get voted off. But once she stopped whining about a target being on her back, I was back on her side. Mike was cool too. He won me over half way through the season when he gave the yellow team chick his prize. It was so sweet. But oh well - just because I have opinions doesn't mean they are the golden standards - LOL.

One Tree Hill sucked this week. Although I don't really like wedding episodes of any show, so I was already on a negative track before the credits even rolled. The show moved along with too many references to Jamie getting kidnapped, "slutty, wedding sex", and the fact that Julian had a date. Then as if to make the whole thing even more cheesy - Haley becomes a pastor on line before the wedding because their original one called to say "he's over booked?" And if it all ended on a happy note, it all got flushed down the ol' crapper because the previews for next week show Payton laying on the floor and then a flash forward to her in a bed ( it looks like ) with blood all over and also on Lucas. Oh yeah - and they made this crazy reference to Payton being eight months pregnant. Hello - the women became pregnant like eight weeks ago. Gotta love TV time warps.

So that is what I have been doing since eight and it is now past midnight. I don't really want to go to bed. I am tired, but my mind is racing. The test is in seven hours. And then I'll hear the answer maybe by the end of business, or the next day. I don't want to go. Still scared.

I think I might try a shower and a cup of hot coco. Chocolate can always make a girl happy after all. Then I have three or four episodes left of How I Met Your Mother Season 2 to watch. My sister lent them to me at Christmas, and I though I had finished them. But then when I was looking at the box this morning I realized I never finished the second one. If you don't watch the show - your missing crude and wonderful humor.

Back to the scared part. I really wish I had bought a pregnancy test today. I thought of it,but then I just felt like it was cheating. I don't want a phone call with the words "I am sorry" on the other end. Granted I actually don't think they call with a negative result since I am having the test done at the clinic here on base and not at the IVF place. But they'll have the results faxed to them, and then the phone call with eventually follow because they'll want us to set up the next cycle. Okay, Okay - a shower and coco. I could go on with these what if's all night.

It is just so not like me. I am not a worrier by nature or one that harps on the negatives. I have just lost my focus on the positive today.

I'm Not Ready!

So tomorrow is the big test day and as you may have guess from today's title, I am not ready. I have been obsessing over this darn test all week and yet I don't want to go. I don't want to hear bad news. I feel nothing as far as pregnancy signs go, nothing. All my 'symptoms' can be explained by the side effect tag on the progesterone shots and from my discharge sheet after surgery and transfer. The feelings of:

• tiredness
• dizziness
• weakness
• odd twinges & cramps
• a sore uterus, I know sounds weird, but if I move to fast I can feel it stretch.

But that is it. It feels like PMS only a little more. It could just be because I am "listening" to my body, just waiting for a sign. Dammit, I just want a baby to start kicking in there - NOW. Hmmm, I guess that isn't very realistic is it - LOL, I am just a mess. But really, I don't want to take the test tomorrow. I am scared.

In other IVF news: This no sex thing sucks. Per doctors orders no sex for two weeks. Which a week ago I was convinced I would never want sex again. In fact I was pretty repulsed by an odd sex dream I had. But you know - the swelling from the surgery is gone and now, well, I want it. Sex that is, not the swelling to come back (ha, ha) It is so weird. It isn't like we haven't gone two weeks before - it isn't like we are newlyweds. Just something about being told you can't I suppose.

So, tomorrow... errrrr.

Soooo Tired

The title says it all. My butt was planted on my couch from 8:30-11:00 and 12:30-4:30. I managed a shower and school with C in between. Randomly, I also had the kids today, but they got here at nap time and were woken up by their dad when he came to get them - so my couch sitting continued. I watched a crap load of TV, started the third Twilight book, and slept. Nothing very productive. C was so tired he slept from 12:30 to just before 4:00. It has been a quiet day here.

Yesterday we drove up to New Jersey to see my grandparents, parents, sister, and extended family for Mother's Day. It was really nice. Although, I should know better than to let my mother tell me about the place we are going. Case in point, a phone conversation from last Monday / Tuesday -ish:

"Hey Ma, do you know where we are going for Mother's Day dinner?"

"Yeah, the Circle Landmark, Grandma and Grandpa love that place."

"Oh what's it like?"

"Nothing fancy. Oh so, John is getting mega hours this week at the Home Depot, he's pretty happy."

Well, shit - I missed the big clue. When ever she randomly starts yammering about the Depot, I know she cannot be taken seriously. What was I thinking? Well, I'll tell you what I was thinking...
Hmmm, those new capri pants make me look pretty skinny, they'd look nice with a pair of flats and a springy blouse I have. That will look nice for the Mother's Day dinner and be pretty comfortable in the car. (four hours to get there and four hours back in the same day). So anyway... I wear my pretty spring outfit and drive north.

When we get to gramma's C and I go into her spare room to get him changed. He was still in pajamas because we left so early. So, I step into the room and see my father's one and only suit jacket hanging on the door, accompanied by my mother's favorite pink and black three piece suit. Oh crap - I didn't bring a change of clothes.

Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house I went just to go to Walmart and buy a new dress. Really MOM! NOTHING FANCY! We had a private room for crying out loud. My father didn't wear jeans, that alone tells you something. The man wears blue jeans or shorts 363 days of the year and that takes into account one wedding and one funeral. Nothing fancy my ass. I take refuge in the fact that I am not the only this happened too. My sister was also caught off guard. She arrived at my parents house in Massachusetts at 3:30 in the morning just to find out she too was under dressed. Luckily she had a spare skirt and shirt at their house, but she was wearing tennis shoes, so over the river and through the woods she went just to go to walmart to buy shoes too. LOL - my family is so embarrassing.

Although I must hand it to my mother. Her shoes didn't match, they were hot pink with huge round toes and hot pink bows and her hair was a wild white women's fro - as always. But, she was not, I repeat, NOT, wearing a children's head band with a huge bow and polka dots like she was the last time I saw her wearing that suit. Ahhhhh, I love my mommy.

A Day as the Races

A cousin of mine posted on facebook that he was spending the day at the track. I am jealous. I miss watching to horse races. We use to go in California all the time. Funny thing is, is that there is a track here and it is only about ten minutes up the road - but we haven't been in over a year. The one here you have to pay to get in, and it is a little dumpy - so we just stay away from it. I think we might have to try it out again. Sounds like fun.

I Kid You Not

Yesterday, as soon as I finished my post about the dishwasher guy, he showed up. He was rude, and I was rude right back. (not one of my finer moments) Eventually he comes in the house, tracks mud and grass through the living room, dining room, and sun room takes a two second look at the connection to the dishwasher under the sink and storms out. His partner, I then realize has a new dishwasher outside and starts to unpack it. An hour later I have a new dishwasher. Third one in two years. Did I need a new one? No, got a new one last summer. Did I need a new one then, nope got one that winter. These people are so lazy. It is just easier for them to replace it than have to come back with a part and get dirty trying to take apart the dishwasher and put it back together. What a waste of money!

In non related news: C and I go to the park with T and the kids. T has triplets courtesy of IVF and lives next door. At least once a week, if not more we get the kids together. Anyway we are kibitzing at the playground and she says something like - when you get your test next week you have to ask the number. I have no clue what she is talking about. Despite some people's quest to know as much info about the process as possible, I am oblivious to much of what goes on. I have more or less been in robot mode, just doing what the doctors tell me. So she says a pregnancy test level shows the hormones at 25 or grater. Hers for he triplets was over 600. Then she says - as if to read my mind over the last few days, "Are you going take a home pregnancy test? - First response brand will pick up early signs." And to my surprise I answered quiet fast and said "nope, I only have until the 13th, so it is just five more days." I am so proud of myself - Go Me.

**On a side note: I T just knows all of these dates. She puts two and two together and knew just when our retrieval was and transfer date. Once she knew those, she knows when every next step will be. She is an IVF expect. Sometimes it is kind of cool - other times, it is a little strange knowing that your neighbors knows - everything.

So Anyway, Speaking of the 13th I called the nurses at Walter Reed and they explained that my testing date has nothing to do with the date of transfer, that it actually is based on the retrieval date. Our embryo's were transferred at day 5, which means I would have already been 5 days into the whole shebang. Ahhhh, I am starting to get it. Okay - back to "how to get pregnant 101"

Coke, It's the Real Thing

I cannot believe my eyes. My dog is sprawled out on the floor and a baby is rolling around tugging on her ears, tail, and paws. She doesn't even care. The Coke can with the pennies totally worked. It has only been two days of me following her around with it! She is still jumping and crazy but we are making progress! I am so excited. This totally gives me a mission for the next week.

Oh - listen to this story. So yesterday I sent a nasty email to our housing management office about our dishwasher. It has been broken since the winter. When I logged on to their site I could see a review of all my service calls this year. I had 8, yes 8 reports of mice. I had one report of the dishwasher on 3/27 but the not next to it said it was canceled! So I really let the place have it, explaining that the guy said he would be back and never showed up again and that I have called every week since then. (The later is slightly inflated - I waited like three weeks after before I called to check on it) Anyway, a service tech calls me this morning and was like "Can I come over?" And I was like "No, it isn't a good time." Do you know this F'er wouldn't take no for an answer. But heck, I had dishes in the sink from breakfast, I had last nights dinner dishes still in the dishwasher - I use it as a giant drying rack, C and I both were still in PJ's and we were expecting the kids at any moment. Eventually the guy took no, but said if I postpone until tomorrow he won't be able to order the part because all orders for the month have to be in tonight. (They should already know the part - but at this point that is a moot point) So I agreed to have him come between 12 and 4. Anyway - once I begin to hang up I start to open my blinds and see the guy is right outside my house! I hang up, I see him hand up. He writes something down then speeds off. Unreal.

Anyway, while the kids played I did some light house work. I am limited for a few weeks. I asked the kids dad to bring my vacuum cleaner downstairs for me, I felt so silly - but I knew S wasn't going to do it. I had been asking him to vacuum for three days. I was starting to step on little pellets that leaked out of a stuffed animal, and I was babysitting today, but I digress. Anyway, D the kids dad brought my vacuum down and I slowly pushed it around - not the best job but certainly clean enough for the baby to play on. Then I did the dishes and attempted to organize the dining room a bit. That room is hopeless. There just isn't enough space for all the school stuff and regular life. I just made a pile in the corner and called it a day - LOL - as long as I can't see the mess from my chair in the living room - maybe it really isn't there.

Mid Afternoon

I woke up this morning in a very pleasant mood. The sun was at least trying to peak out of the clouds, the dog was down stair snoring, C was still asleep, and S was already gone. Immediately I knew some prayers had been answered, as I was feeling worlds better than I had in the last two days. Yesterday I was so ill in the morning that I was certain I would no hold in / down any food I consumed. Also I have had this weird pressure at the top of my stomach and the pain was really getting bad. Well, I woke up and it was all gone. I am well. However, this certainly brings up a few questions ...

1. Isn't being nauseous a good thing considering my circumstances?
2. If I am not nauseous is that a bad sign?
3. Now that I am better, does this mean things didn't work?

The answer to all three, NO. I figure, I am doing everything the doctors told me to do, so we will just wait and see... Ohhhh, your so faithful J, oh your such an inspiration, oh you are so blah blah blah, you say? Not exactly.

This morning, after rejoicing in feeling well, I began to get worried and was harping on those questions. After a pep talk to myself I opted to start the day. C and I headed to the post office, the library, and Starbucks. I was freaking tired after only one stop, let alone three. The only reason we went to Starbucks is because I needed to sit down for a while. It took us over a hour and a half to go in a one mile loop around base. LOL - So I traded the nausea for a little weakness. I'll take it. Weather my test is positive or negative isn't up to me at this point, but for some unknown reason - the 'signs' are a little comforting if not just wishful thinking.

In related news: I had been looking at all the forums for IVF and I read this post from a woman who had just completed an IVF cycle. She was certain she was going to have twins saying "I felt two twinges the day after the embryo transfer." and then went on to say that she had had some bleeding, and took a home pregnancy test that day which was negative. Her actual blood test was the next day - and she had no follow up posts. Certainly she wasn't pregnant. If the home test is negative - your chances are pretty low, I would think. Which brings me to my point, I really have been wondering about this test deal. I saw so many women post that their home tests were negative - why would they do this to themselves? Am I going to do this?

It is only Mid Afternoon & I, obviously am already obsessing about it. I am scheduled for a blood test on the 13th. But honestly - I need to call because if I remember right that was determined before my transfer was postponed a few days. Which means I shouldn't be tested until the following Monday. Anyway - even though the above mentioned post was a year or more old, I felt really bad for the women. Twins will show up on a pee stick up to a week or even a little more early. Double the hormones, you know? I don't want to be her.

I Did It

Both C and A are asleep. The dog is happily lounging on the couch and the baby is cooing away in the pack-n-play - he also fed himself his bottle of cereal and formula (yea!). The kids have been great over all and it has been an really enjoyable morning.

I even made homemade rock salt ice cream with the kids, C loved it! So did I. A thought it was pretty gross. LOL - a little too much Coco in hers, and a little too much rock salt made its way into her ingredients bag. I gave her a scoop from C's when they weren't looking and everyone seemed happier.

So I was feeling bad about the dog for nothing. For the bulk of the day I convinced C and A to play in the den with the door shut and just Maggie out with me and the baby. Every time the pup went to close to the babe I just shook this coke can we have filled with a few coins. It works great. I might have to attach the can to my belt loop or something - could this be the way to train my unruly pup? I need to get moving on that!

The W's will be here in two weeks and two days. If the dog jumps on L she will be bruised from head to toe. Somehow the time from December to now has just flown by.

On a random note: I over drew our checking account this week. How weird, it is only the 5th right? I mean we just got paid. I think I over paid a few things by mistake. Fortunately I have some cash on me and I already went grocery shopping. So no real big deal there, it is just annoying. I transferred some money from my savings account but it was suppose to be to pay for the down payment on our new vehicle ... oh well, steal from Peter to pay Paul. You know, I think I better log off this laptop and draw up a budget.

Open Season

I've got kids today. All that free babysitting has to be repaid, . Their mom has jury duty today. I've got Jury duty in June, so we agreed to swap. So it is worth it. I just feel bad for the dog, I have to lock her in the den all day when we have little ones around. She is just too playful and big. Anyway, today should be fine but listen to this next story.

When we started this last IVF cycle I had a major meltdown because friends A & D were suppose to watch C but bailed on the first week because they forgot about a vacation voucher that was going to expire. So, I got over it, but it is still a bit of a sore spot - well, I thought I was over it until the other night, that is.

I dropped C off on Friday night and talked with A for a while. And she shows me this pamphlet for a second vacation voucher. Now, I knew about this. We had been talking about it since they got these "Deals" last year. I had agreed to watch their kids for three or four days so they could go on a mini vacation. We were looking at late July or early August. But upon further review of her brochure A realized that the deal expires soon. Err, not again. Apparently this voucher expires the first week in July. Well, A is going home for a month in June, so that only leaves us a few weeks in May. S's parents are coming for the last two weekends in May, so that leaves us only like two weeks. Apparently D has to take leave and is looking at a Thursday - Saturday type of thing, which really would work fine - in the Summer.

I really like having their children here over all. It is just that it is going to end up being at the same time I find out if IVF worked or not. So if it is negative having someone else's infant might be kind of tough. Even that is workable, I am a grown up after all. I just don't get how this is the second vacation voucher and the second time they didn't know the expiration dates. Lesson learned for me: NEVER get vacation packages from time share presentations. It seems like they are just pressed by all these deadlines and are also finding out they can't use the vouchers exactly when they want - no weekends, for example.

Well, enough complaining for one day. I better get dressed, the rug rats will be here soon. It actually isn't raining for a minute - if they managed to bring warm clothes I could take the kids to the park. Ha, warm clothes, not when their dad drops them off. :P)

Transferring Fears

Today I had some very irrational transferring fears.

This morning at approximately 11:00am I may have become pregnant. For anyone wondering, compared to the whole IVF process- having sex in front of an audience would have been better than going through an IVF transfer. Just so you know. But on the bright side, we made it this far!

So here is the brief rundown of the "show". First I "undress from the waist down." {I swear that is their favorite saying!} and then I go into the transfer room. It smelled and instantly brought back the memory of dissecting earth worms in biology class. It was like this formaldehyde mixed with Lysol stench that seriously was making me ill. So then I assume the position in the stirrups that I love so much and the doctors totally take the "privacy sheet" and lift it up over my stomach. One explains that they need to do an ultrasound. Right..... a regular ultrasound. I was thinking the who-ha kind.

So randomly I have never had a real ultrasound like this one and it was one of the most painful things I have ever felt. Anyway, one doc puts all the "equipment" in me and the other begins this ultrasound. The one with the equipment is yammering about not seeing the right spot, the one doing the ultrasound is putting all her weight onto my pelvis and pressing so hard that my bladder was spasming and I was practically convulsing from pain. I was crying and could barely talk when they asked me "what's wrong?". Then as if to answer my prayers they switched places. The next ultrasound didn't hurt at all. The lady just slid more goop around and used the wandy looking thing to show me my uterus on the screen. She just kept saying "wow your bladder is still spasming, we never really see that".

Oh right! That is becuase You just had the bionic women pressing all 175 pounds of her into me and I am quite sure she may have been trying to kill me! Granted I didn't share these thoughts.

And the first doc that was killing me with that found "the spot" with out a problem. This was good, because just two or three minutes later I watched on the screen as they injected two embryos into the "sweet spot".

I guess that wasn't that brief.

The next step is just to lay there for ten minutes and wait for the embryos to "stick" and that is when all this irrational fear started to overcome an sense of logic and education I brought with me. I actually made S ask the nurse if they could "fall out." She told me know, but that just didn't sooth me, so I asked her when she came in the room: "what if I sneeze really hard?" She said no and I just continued "what if this ...." "What if that..." and then she smiled and said "think of it like a grain of sand and your uterus as a tablespoon of peanut butter - the sand isn't going to fall out" So I relaxed for a few minutes and finished off New Moon.

As I was leaving I realized that while we were waiting for the transfer I had heard someone mention peanut butter in another room. This was after another lady was wheeled out of the transfer room. Ha, I wonder how many times a week they hear the same questions I asked?

So we have a test in about two weeks to see if the transfer worked. At this point we have a 50/50 shot. Both embryos were day five blasts which is just IVF talk for "pretty". Each one has a 25% chance of implanting on their own. We are really hopeful. Still, we are having the left overs frozen, for two reasons, one we can try again if it doesn't work and two we can try again if it does :O) Go forth and multiply my friends!

The New Car

Apparently I can get a little scatter brained - well, that might not be news to some. Anyway we ended up with a Hyundai Santa Fe. It is a 2008 and we got is for about five thousand less than what it is worth. We were pretty happy with that, also we got great financing so the cost stays low for us. It is a dark gray and looks just like the picture above. It has cloth seats and tons of features including XM radio. Although we have no idea how long XM will last. The car use to be a rental in Orlando - so we figure it probably had a two year contract and the XM will just stop one day. But for now we are liking it - a lot. One kind of odd thing: There were no floor mats in the car - so we took the ones out of the Jeep. Those ones were randomly really nice and ended up being a good match.

So our only standard for buying a vehicle was, it could fit three car seats across the back. The Jetta barely fit two - LOL. This car is plenty wide enough. And if by chance we have more kids you can buy a way-back seat from littleseats.com. So we are covered for a while.